Feeling kinda lonely today and wanted to write some in my blog now cue the crickets as nothing comes to mind no wonderful words no stories nothing to complain about just sitting staring at the white screen. How is it when I lay down to sleep at night my mind will not shut off and thoughts bounce around but the moment I sit to write it goes blank?
I was asked by a friend the other day if I was happy I said yes without hesitation but after thought about that question in depth. Hmm Happy? well yes in many ways I am and others not so much but thinking that's normal?
After the battle with cancer I was on a high for years seeing life in a different way the blue sky seemed bluer the green grass greener everything seemed intensified even my emotions where heightened. I was not so good with emotions in the past and hid most of them so at first was not what I would call fun being so emotional charged. When faced with death something changed in me a sort of awakening an appreciation of the small things a calm I never felt before.
I was taught growing up men don't cry and should not be overly affectionate a hand shake not a hug. After cancer I hugged and may have made some uncomfortable with that as most people have a personal space rule a sort of invisible bubble around them they do not like others to invade unless asked into that space. I found I had become starved for affection not in a sexual way just human contact. There is just something so satisfying from a real hug that makes me feel alive and connected to others. I have toned it down because like I say many feel uncomfortable with hugs. I guess others have been told and brought up that hugs are somehow more than just a way to say hey I missed you.
I think me being home bound and using internet to be connected has in some ways made it harder for me to interact with others. I feel more uncomfortable in groups of people and find now I am finding it hard to even have one on one with others in person.
Never in my early life did I think I would get to this point as I always loved being around people. I was one of those people that had friends in every group you know the Jocks the Geeks the Freaks the Preps the Nerds or what ever they are called today. I liked people for who they were not what they were or who they hung with.
In my days of military service I was always surrounded by others pretty much 24/7 for 7 years and got very comfortable and used to that. When I got out it took a long time to get used to having any alone time. Those 7 years in service I always had someone around to talk to or party with so never had much time to feel alone. It was like a different world being out and found myself getting very depressed and feeling as if I did not fit in to the world around me. The things I had known when I went in had changed the people gone on with life and were not the same as when I left. If you live in a town you do not notice the changes as much as when you move away and come back. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.
I thought about reenlisting often and wishing I had never gotten out. I received a letter from the government letting me know with the oncoming war I may be called back and in many ways was hoping they would. I was never called back and just marked it up to the old saying things happen for a reason.
So I still feel a hug is much better than a hand shake but understand its not cool with everyone so if we meet on the street and you see me coming and dont want that hug put that hand out as a block I will understand and suppress my hug urges. But you will be missing out cuz I give good hug.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Darkness meets Light
It was my favorite little bar that I would go after work to sit watch the TV and have a few drinks to unwind. I had been going there for about a year and knew many of the others there by name. The bar tender would greet me when I walked in and knew just what I would be drinking a rum and coke no fricking lime. I did not talk much while there just sat and drank my drinks and let the world and all my troubles melt away all the shit from work the bills etc felt good not to have to think.
It was a Saturday as I sat working on my 3rd rum and coke the first time we locked eyes from across the bar I smiled then went back to my own little world. Soon I found myself looking over again to see if they were still there. Once again locked eyes and smiled. I finished my 4th drink and payed my bill and left. I found myself thinking back to those blue eyes and as I walked home I smiled to myself.
Each day after work I found myself once again sitting at my usual spot drinking my drink and when I would looked up there were those blue eyes looking back at me. For weeks this game of looking smiling then acting as if we had no interest in talking. Yes this went on for weeks then the bar tender watching this cat and mouse game decided it was time to push us together and made the introductions this is so and so and this is so and so. We would sit that day and talk for hours about life our pasts our dreams it was electric even though we did not see eye to eye on things we were open minded enough to see why the other felt and believed the way they did.
Let us fast forward to a month later as we moved into an apartment together and combined our lives and our belongings into a small two room shoe box of space . Our styles and tastes in furnishings were different like night and day I was in a minimal point in my life less was more yet here was this person who saved everything and loved bright colors and to display everything in the open. It would be a challenge but some how we worked through it. For a year things between these two beings me as the night in a dark part of my life full of depression darkness and doubt and the other being as the day bright and ready to explode with bright color love and light went on day to day.
Over time the dark being soon deprived the awesome colorful being of its light and smothered it so it was unable to shine. The dark being slowly sucked the life force from the bright being changed the bright being to grey dragging them down into the darkness a little each day.
After a year the now grey being needed to break free before being dragged all the way down into the blackness of the dark being. So once again the dark one was alone unable to understand what happened to that bright colorful light with those beautiful blue eyes. But deep inside had knowledge of why the bright being needed to be free. The dark being felt jealousy towards the bright one for breaking away and living life in the sun. Why oh why could the dark one not break away?
It was a Saturday as I sat working on my 3rd rum and coke the first time we locked eyes from across the bar I smiled then went back to my own little world. Soon I found myself looking over again to see if they were still there. Once again locked eyes and smiled. I finished my 4th drink and payed my bill and left. I found myself thinking back to those blue eyes and as I walked home I smiled to myself.
Each day after work I found myself once again sitting at my usual spot drinking my drink and when I would looked up there were those blue eyes looking back at me. For weeks this game of looking smiling then acting as if we had no interest in talking. Yes this went on for weeks then the bar tender watching this cat and mouse game decided it was time to push us together and made the introductions this is so and so and this is so and so. We would sit that day and talk for hours about life our pasts our dreams it was electric even though we did not see eye to eye on things we were open minded enough to see why the other felt and believed the way they did.
Let us fast forward to a month later as we moved into an apartment together and combined our lives and our belongings into a small two room shoe box of space . Our styles and tastes in furnishings were different like night and day I was in a minimal point in my life less was more yet here was this person who saved everything and loved bright colors and to display everything in the open. It would be a challenge but some how we worked through it. For a year things between these two beings me as the night in a dark part of my life full of depression darkness and doubt and the other being as the day bright and ready to explode with bright color love and light went on day to day.
Over time the dark being soon deprived the awesome colorful being of its light and smothered it so it was unable to shine. The dark being slowly sucked the life force from the bright being changed the bright being to grey dragging them down into the darkness a little each day.
After a year the now grey being needed to break free before being dragged all the way down into the blackness of the dark being. So once again the dark one was alone unable to understand what happened to that bright colorful light with those beautiful blue eyes. But deep inside had knowledge of why the bright being needed to be free. The dark being felt jealousy towards the bright one for breaking away and living life in the sun. Why oh why could the dark one not break away?
What Is Love
When I was young I always thought love would be easy I would meet that person I connected with and just like in a fairy tale live happily ever after. It did not take me long to learn that thoughts,feelings and knowledge are so many worlds away from each other. Early in my life I learned that love can hurt and do damage to ones soul, damage that may never go away no matter how hard one try's. Putting myself out there full force with all my being for another person holding nothing back was an awesome thing and nice to feel a feeling of freedom being myself. I was not prepared for the fact a little of me goes a long way and my crazy no holds bared way was not easy for others to take. I would have to learn to hold back and I did try that but in doing so lost what made me the person I am. I became more like a walking talking image of what I thought others wanted me to be and the real me slowly disappeared to the point when I looked in a mirror I was looking at a stranger. It seemed others liked the fake me so I worked at keeping the real me hidden but inside I was suffering a slow emotional death.
I went out looking for love with my false walk and talk etc assimilating into the world becoming like those around me taking on their likes dislikes mannerisms to become what I thought I should be to be accepted . For a time it seemed like at last I fit in. I would meet others in my search for love who I had feelings for and tried to have relationships with but I was always left feeling empty inside. I was putting so much effort ito being what I thought they wanted I lost track of who I was and thinking maybe this love thing is just not real.
I gave up and went back to being me and tried the love thing again I soon learned the persons I invested and entrusted my feelings and emotions with could not or would not accept me for who I was. I would also learn that there are those who only wanted a small piece of me and not the whole package so they took what they wanted then walk away.
I own the fact I went into the love thing with rose colored glasses much the way I did many things in life early on, but life taught me some hard lessons that effect me to this day. Once I was knocked on my ass a few times the rose tint started to fade and I began to see things from clearer eyes. I returned to be guarded with my feelings to hold back and not let people see the real me learned to put on happy face even when I was feeling emotional pain from doing so.
There are those who were lucky enough to find that special person early in life or so I am told. I wonder what it would have been like to not have to go through the roller coaster of emotional drain that giving myself to someone can take only to end up alone in the end. Giving bits and pieces of myself trying to connect with someone and hoping they except me as I am the good the bad and the ugly bits.
Seems in the love department I failed in so many ways and invested my energy in the wrong people. Looking back I now know I did not love myself and was not equipped to love another and picked my partners knowing they were damaged. Looking back my choices in love were in many ways selfish on my part serving my need to fix others because I did not know how to fix myself. I to this day can not honestly say I love myself or have learned how to do that. I do know time is running out I am in human years more than half way done in this crazy thing called life and still do not feel that all consuming love others seem to have. I exist I move day to day but don't feel the connection or passion of another human. I guess in my next life if I am lucky enough to have one maybe I will learn what love really is or if there is such a thing?
I went out looking for love with my false walk and talk etc assimilating into the world becoming like those around me taking on their likes dislikes mannerisms to become what I thought I should be to be accepted . For a time it seemed like at last I fit in. I would meet others in my search for love who I had feelings for and tried to have relationships with but I was always left feeling empty inside. I was putting so much effort ito being what I thought they wanted I lost track of who I was and thinking maybe this love thing is just not real.
I gave up and went back to being me and tried the love thing again I soon learned the persons I invested and entrusted my feelings and emotions with could not or would not accept me for who I was. I would also learn that there are those who only wanted a small piece of me and not the whole package so they took what they wanted then walk away.
I own the fact I went into the love thing with rose colored glasses much the way I did many things in life early on, but life taught me some hard lessons that effect me to this day. Once I was knocked on my ass a few times the rose tint started to fade and I began to see things from clearer eyes. I returned to be guarded with my feelings to hold back and not let people see the real me learned to put on happy face even when I was feeling emotional pain from doing so.
There are those who were lucky enough to find that special person early in life or so I am told. I wonder what it would have been like to not have to go through the roller coaster of emotional drain that giving myself to someone can take only to end up alone in the end. Giving bits and pieces of myself trying to connect with someone and hoping they except me as I am the good the bad and the ugly bits.
Seems in the love department I failed in so many ways and invested my energy in the wrong people. Looking back I now know I did not love myself and was not equipped to love another and picked my partners knowing they were damaged. Looking back my choices in love were in many ways selfish on my part serving my need to fix others because I did not know how to fix myself. I to this day can not honestly say I love myself or have learned how to do that. I do know time is running out I am in human years more than half way done in this crazy thing called life and still do not feel that all consuming love others seem to have. I exist I move day to day but don't feel the connection or passion of another human. I guess in my next life if I am lucky enough to have one maybe I will learn what love really is or if there is such a thing?
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Free Spirit
I stand in the middle surrounded by people I am connected to by blood but feeling alone. Is the feeling something I am fabricating within my self or is it real am I alone? I know within me I have anger with the people around me angry for the fact they have information or think they do about my private life information I feel is private and none of their business. Information I feel they can not understand and will use to label me and to place me in a preformed notion or idea they have made in their own minds with this information.Based on what they know of the world their beliefs and how they have lived their lives not based on who I am because as far as I can see they do not know me.
I am a free spirit who has spent many years clipping my own wings to fit or conform to what I felt others thought I should be and in doing so stole the color and the light from my own life. I take full responsibility for this as I know I did this to myself. No one forced me to conform or to have a need to be liked it was something within myself. But time has come to move past this and become who I want me to be.
I will never understand why people want everyone else to look talk walk and act alike or how they feel another person should. Maybe its frightening to see someone go their own way and live life off the normal track and makes us feel as if we are doing it all wrong. To make others conform and walk and talk alike gives us a feeling of being OK with what we are doing or not doing in our own lives but for me that makes for a very dismal surroundings. I for one love the differences and all those things that makes others so different from me. I love to talk to others and learn from them and sometimes I take bits and pieces of their experiences etc and use them to improve my life. But I often see people or meet those that will never see my way of thinking or why I am who I am and at this time in my life a I am fine with that.
I am not one to push my beliefs or thoughts on another person I say what I think and feel and it is up to that person to do with it what they will. Gone are the days of worrying about fitting in or being liked. Oh its nice to know your are liked but the effort one has to put into that should be minimal they like you or they do not changing yourself to achieve that end is never never never a good thing.
I do however hate for people to think they know me or my heart or mind by what they have heard from others. I say if you want to know my story ask me and if I feel you need to know I will tell you. I am an open book to people I feel comfortable with. I have made mistakes in sharing things about myself to the wrong people who used it against me but that also I take responsibility for the telling and the allowing them to use it. I am the one in charge of my life if it sucks its up to me to unsuck it no one person place thing or amount of money etc can fix what I allow others to do to me.
I am a free spirit and I am just learning to soar something that should come natural but I have spent so much time and effort suppressing that natural ability it will take time to learn the power that has always been inside of me.
I am a free spirit who has spent many years clipping my own wings to fit or conform to what I felt others thought I should be and in doing so stole the color and the light from my own life. I take full responsibility for this as I know I did this to myself. No one forced me to conform or to have a need to be liked it was something within myself. But time has come to move past this and become who I want me to be.
I will never understand why people want everyone else to look talk walk and act alike or how they feel another person should. Maybe its frightening to see someone go their own way and live life off the normal track and makes us feel as if we are doing it all wrong. To make others conform and walk and talk alike gives us a feeling of being OK with what we are doing or not doing in our own lives but for me that makes for a very dismal surroundings. I for one love the differences and all those things that makes others so different from me. I love to talk to others and learn from them and sometimes I take bits and pieces of their experiences etc and use them to improve my life. But I often see people or meet those that will never see my way of thinking or why I am who I am and at this time in my life a I am fine with that.
I am not one to push my beliefs or thoughts on another person I say what I think and feel and it is up to that person to do with it what they will. Gone are the days of worrying about fitting in or being liked. Oh its nice to know your are liked but the effort one has to put into that should be minimal they like you or they do not changing yourself to achieve that end is never never never a good thing.
I do however hate for people to think they know me or my heart or mind by what they have heard from others. I say if you want to know my story ask me and if I feel you need to know I will tell you. I am an open book to people I feel comfortable with. I have made mistakes in sharing things about myself to the wrong people who used it against me but that also I take responsibility for the telling and the allowing them to use it. I am the one in charge of my life if it sucks its up to me to unsuck it no one person place thing or amount of money etc can fix what I allow others to do to me.
I am a free spirit and I am just learning to soar something that should come natural but I have spent so much time and effort suppressing that natural ability it will take time to learn the power that has always been inside of me.
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