Hugs or Hand Shakes

   Feeling kinda lonely today and wanted to write some in my blog now cue the crickets as nothing comes to mind no wonderful words no stories nothing to complain about just sitting staring at the white screen. How is it when I lay down to sleep at night my mind will not shut off and thoughts bounce around but the moment I sit to write it goes blank?
   I was asked by a friend the other day if I was happy I said yes without hesitation but after thought about that question in depth. Hmm Happy? well yes in many ways I am and others not so much but thinking that's normal? 
   After the battle with cancer I was on a high for years seeing life in a different way the blue sky seemed bluer the green grass greener everything seemed intensified even my emotions where heightened.  I was not so good with emotions in the past and hid most of them so at first was not what I would call fun being so emotional charged. When faced with death something changed in me a sort of awakening an appreciation of the small things a calm I never felt before.
    I was taught growing up men don't cry and should not be overly affectionate a hand shake not a hug. After cancer I hugged and may have made some uncomfortable with that as most people have a personal space rule a sort of invisible bubble around them they do not like others to invade unless asked into that space. I found I had become starved for affection not in a sexual way just human contact. There is just something so satisfying from a real hug that makes me feel alive and connected to others. I have toned it down because like I say many feel uncomfortable with hugs. I guess others have been told and brought up that hugs are somehow more than just a way to say hey I missed you.
    I think me being home bound and using internet to be connected has in some ways made it harder for me to interact with others. I feel more uncomfortable in groups of people and find now I am finding it hard to even have one on one with others in person.
   Never in my early life did I think I would get to this point as I always loved being around people. I was one of those people that had friends in every group you know the Jocks the Geeks the Freaks the Preps the Nerds or what ever they are called today. I liked people for who they were not what they were or who they hung with.
   In my days of military service I was always surrounded by others pretty much 24/7 for 7 years and got very comfortable and used to that. When I  got out it took a long time to get used to having any alone time. Those 7 years in service I always had someone around to talk to or party with so never had much time to feel alone. It was like a different world being out and found myself getting very depressed and feeling as if I did not fit in to the world around me. The things I had known when I went in had changed the people gone on with life and were not the same as when I left. If you live in a town you do not notice the changes as much as when you move away and come back. It was like being in the Twilight Zone. 
   I thought about reenlisting often and wishing I had never gotten out. I received a letter from the government letting me know with the oncoming war I may be called back and in many ways was hoping they would. I was never called back and just marked it up to the old saying things happen for a reason. 
   So I still feel a hug is much better than a hand shake but understand its not cool with everyone so if we meet on the street and you see me coming and dont want that hug put that hand out as a block I will understand and suppress my hug urges. But you will be missing out cuz I give good hug.  
 

Darkness meets Light

   It was my favorite little bar that I would go after work to sit watch the TV and have a few drinks to unwind. I had been going there for about a year and knew many of the others there by name. The bar tender would greet me when I walked in and knew just what I would be drinking a rum and coke no fricking lime. I did not talk much while there just sat and drank my drinks and let the world and all my troubles melt away all the shit from work the bills etc felt good not to have to think.
   It was a Saturday as I sat working on my 3rd rum and coke the first time we locked eyes from across the bar I smiled then went back to my own little world. Soon I found myself looking over again to see if they were still there. Once again locked eyes and smiled. I finished my 4th drink and  payed my bill and left. I found myself thinking back to those blue eyes and as I walked home I smiled to myself.
  Each day after work I found myself once again sitting at my usual spot drinking my drink and when I would looked up there were those blue eyes looking back at me. For weeks this game of looking smiling then acting as if we had no interest in talking. Yes this went on for weeks then the bar tender watching this cat and mouse game decided it was time to push us together and made the introductions this is so and so and this is so and so. We would sit that day and talk for hours about life our pasts our dreams it was electric even though we did not see eye to eye on things we were open minded enough to see why the other felt and believed the way they did.
   Let us fast forward to a month later as we moved into an apartment together and combined our lives  and our belongings into a small two room shoe box of space . Our styles and tastes in furnishings were different like night and day I was in a minimal point in my life less was more yet here was this person who saved everything and loved bright colors and to display everything in the open. It would be a challenge but some how we worked through it. For a year things between these two beings me as the night in a dark part of my life full of depression darkness and doubt and the other being as the day bright and ready to explode with bright color love and light went on day to day. 
   Over time the dark being soon deprived the awesome colorful being of its light and smothered it so it was unable to shine. The dark being slowly sucked the life force from the bright being changed the bright being to grey dragging them down into the darkness a little each day.
   After a year the now grey being needed to break free before being dragged all the way down into the blackness of the dark being.  So once again the dark one was alone unable to understand what happened to that bright colorful light with those beautiful blue eyes. But deep inside had knowledge of why the bright being needed to be free. The dark being felt jealousy towards the bright one for breaking away and living life in the sun. Why oh why could the dark one not break away?  
   

What Is Love

   When I was young I always thought love would be easy I would meet that person I connected with and just like in a fairy tale live happily ever after. It did not take me long to learn that thoughts,feelings and knowledge are so many worlds away from each other. Early in my life I learned that love can hurt and do damage to ones  soul, damage that may never go away no matter how hard one try's. Putting myself out there full force with all my being for another person holding nothing back was an awesome thing and nice to feel a feeling of freedom being myself. I was not prepared for the fact a little of me goes a long way and my crazy no holds bared way was not easy for others to take. I would have to learn to hold back and I did try that but in doing so lost what made me the person I am. I became more like a walking talking image of what I thought others wanted me to be and the real me slowly disappeared to the point when I looked in a mirror I was looking at a stranger. It seemed others liked the fake me so I worked at keeping the real me hidden but inside I was suffering a slow emotional death.    
   I went out looking for love with my false walk and talk etc assimilating into the world becoming like those around me taking on their likes dislikes mannerisms to become what I thought I should be to be accepted . For a time it seemed like at last I fit in. I would meet others in my search for love who I had feelings for and tried to have relationships with but I was always left feeling empty inside. I was putting so much effort ito being what I thought they wanted I lost track of who I was and thinking maybe this love thing is just not real. 
   I gave up and went back to being me and tried the love thing again I soon learned the persons I invested and entrusted my feelings and emotions with could not or would not accept me for who I was. I would also learn  that there are those who only wanted a small piece of me and not the whole package so they took what they wanted then walk away.
   I own the fact I went into the love thing with rose colored glasses much the way I did many things in life early on, but life taught me some hard lessons that effect me to this day. Once I was knocked on my ass a few times the rose tint started to fade and I began to see things from clearer eyes.  I returned to be guarded with my feelings to hold back and not let people see the real me learned to put on happy face even when I was feeling emotional pain from doing so.
   There are those who were lucky enough to find that special person early in life or so I am told. I wonder what it would have been like to not  have to go through the roller coaster of emotional drain that giving myself to someone can take only to end up alone in the end. Giving bits and pieces of myself trying to connect with someone and hoping they except me as I am the good the bad and the ugly bits.
   Seems in the love department I failed in so many ways and invested my energy in the wrong people. Looking back I now know I did not love myself and was not equipped to love another and picked my partners knowing they were damaged. Looking back my choices in love were in many ways selfish on my part serving my need to fix others because I did not know how to fix myself.  I to this day can not honestly say I love myself or have learned how to do that.  I do know time is running out I am in human years more than half way done in this crazy thing called life and still do not feel that all consuming love others seem to have. I exist I move day to day but don't feel  the connection or passion of another human. I guess in my next life if  I am lucky enough to have one  maybe I will learn what love really is or if there is such a thing?