Where do I fit in to this whole thing called life?????????????????????????? been asking myself that question as long as I can remember but never seem to find any solid answer. It sounds like a simple enough question but I'll be damned if I have even the smallest clue.
I wrote that a few years ago when it seemed my life was more a question than an answer. Now it is years later flash forward to a day I never thought I would ever ever in my life time have to endure. My phone rang and I happily picked it up thinking it would be a friend or family member calling to say hello. The voice on the other end was familiar but something was wrong there was a pause a stumbling of words and then like a brick wall the words came tumbling from the phone Mom's gone. OH MY GOD! was the words that came to my lips No! was the next. The call was from my sister and through her tears and stammering voice I was told the news of how when and where. After the blow of the news we consoled each other by talking for a while about growing up and how our mother had touched our lives. We talked about the good times and even the bad and as I hung up the phone it seemed like a dream and not real at all.
I had received one other call in my life that had hit me like this and that was the death of my sister who was fighting cancer. That call was a shock but in a small way more expected because I knew she was ill and may not make it as the cancer had attacked so vigorously and in the back of my mind I knew she may not make it. The call about my Mom was a shock, unexpected, abrupt as she seemed so full of life and healthy. I had seen her a few weeks earlier and thought to myself wow she looks really good for an old broad as she would say. She had stopped by with my sister to see me on her way back from a visit to family members something she did a lot always running here and there visiting family and friends. My father had been ill for many years and she had stayed very close to his side and not been able to travel much so I think she was trying to catch up for lost time.
We talked that day about family history and she said we needed to get together soon and go over the who's when's and where's so the history was not lost. She also said something I just let go by like the wind but her words now ring in my head (there may not be much more time to do this). As she left that day I gave her a hug like I always do and told her I loved her and watched as they backed down the drive tossing my hand in the air giving a wave as I went back into my house not knowing that would be the last time.
A few weeks later my phone rang and it was my Mom, we talked for almost 2 hours and had some good conversation about this and that and we laughed something we had not done much of in a long time. Now this call was strange in that it was very hard to keep her on the phone for any length of time and for her to talk on the phone for almost two hours was just short of a miracle. I called her the next week and once again we talked for about an hour and a half and when the call was ending she said you should feel privileged its not just anyone I would talk this long with on the phone and she laughed, we said our good byes and our I love you's then I hung up the phone and went back to my day not knowing it would be the last call. Now I keep hearing the song by Annie Lennox in my head No More I Love You's.
At this time my emotions are fresh and raw and at times it seems so unreal and at others it rings all to real. The emotional numbness is changing to realization that its not a dream and I will not wake up and shake it off. I feel deflated like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs and I find it hard to breath and yes the tears come poring now and then as the realization gets more and more defined within my brain. I may be an emotional mess but my Mom did teach me to be strong so I know I will get through this but this time I will have to do it without her mothering, that often annoying constant mothers prodding and guidance.
Many say when someone passes I wish I had done this or said that. I do not have those feelings with my Mom because I had a relationship with her where we said what we thought to each other even if at times it angered each other. The things said were never in a manner of hurting each other it was just being truthful straight forward no sugar coating. That is not to say there were times I wished she had a bit more of a filter or tact when it came to her truthfulness but looking back at it now it is something I am glad she did with me.
As a parent I think you learn that your children are not carbon copies of you or each other and each has their own personality feelings and behaviors. I think in many ways I am a lot like my Mom and in others we were worlds apart. Many of my good attributes came from her and yes there are those that some may see as not so good. She and I had our times when we butted heads and that stubbornness would kick in and neither would budge an inch but over time we would work it out and come to a point we agreed to disagree. She taught me to use my humor to get through rough times but also that there is a time to cry and a time to laugh. Her and I would be the ones at a funeral cracking jokes and making people laugh. Some would see that as inappropriate but as she would say I think so and so or the deceased would want us to celebrate their life and not morn with our head held low. I found that hard to do at her memorial because my wing man or my co instigator was not there by my side.
I could go on and on and tell you many stories of my Mom good and bad and there will be many more blog entries about her I am sure. But at this time all I know is her physical being is gone but I know within me she lives on and also with my sisters and their children.
So back to the statement I started this post with (where do I fit in to this thing called life)? I think the best description I can give is one a friend Dian left on my Facebook page about being a thread in a tapestry. My take on it is I am but one thread in a large tapestry called life and I am here so the next thread has something to cling to so the tapestry will take shape and not just fall apart in a pile of threads alone. My Mom was my brightly colored thread that I clung to and although she is gone and in time the colors may fade the thread is still there holding tight giving support to the next row of threads. I only hope I can be as strong of a thread and give support to the threads that come after me.
