The Joy of Christmas (NOT)

   The twinkling lights upon the tree hold no joy this year for me. The gifts were bought with little a thought placed there below the tree. No smiling faces no warm embraces no cheer and no glee. The day had become so humdrum just another day to me. I would love to get back on the holiday track to that long lost child that once was in me.

   Just seems I have lost that Christmas spark don't get me wrong I still love getting the cards and hearing from friends and family. Its nice to know they think of me during the holidays. I just do not have that Christmas spirit that awe of all the sparkling flashing decorations the hustle and bustle in the stores is more of an irritant were I once loved it all.    And here are maybe the reasons I have come to this point?

   Christmas was a big deal with my Mom the decorating the special foods that are only made at that time of year. She always tried to make it such a special time. I guess at the time I really did not notice just how much effort she put into it. She would often shop all year long to get the best deals and when I would tell her I was going to buy something would discourage me from it knowing she had already bought it and had it hidden away waiting to be wrapped and placed under the tree the next year.
   This will be the 2nd Christmas without her and it is not getting any easier as people tell me it should. Maybe it will for me 10 years down the road but it will not not be this year. As I set and gaze at the tree with ornaments she made on it all I can do is feel a sort of emptiness and wanting to go back to those days past. 
   I remember my first Christmas away from home while in the Army I was feeling very alone even with all the other people around me. I realized just how important those family gatherings around the holidays had meant to me. It was not the gifts or even the food I missed it was the people.  People who knew me and people who at times I wanted to get as far away from as I could and live my own life. Well there I was getting my wish on the other side of the world in Germany living my own life and it was not what I thought it would be. My sister had sent me a little 2 foot Christmas Tree that I had put up in my room. This would be another time in my life I sat and eyed the lights only to wish I was home with the rest of the nutty family. That was a hard time but nothing to that first Christmas without my Mom not being able to at least call her and say Merry Christmas.
  The next 8 years I was in the Army I never made it home for Christmas. It got less and less painful and most of the time I stayed drunk or stoned through the holidays parting with my friends going out to clubs and leaving home and family behind. I was making a life for myself  or so I thought. We would often get  large group together and invade some Hotel and stay for the Holidays whooping it up and in my case acting happy. We would exchange gifts and of course there was a lot of drinking I am assuming here but I think many felt as I did and the drinking was our way of hiding just how much we missed home.  I called my Mom one New Years drunk off my ass not thinking of the time difference and woke her up. She was happy to hear from me but stopped me a few times and said remember who you are talking to seems my drunk ass was spurting a few (BLEEP) words not thinking about it. I apologized said Merry Christmas Happy New Year hung up and went back to drinking I swear I did not even remember the call until it showed up on my Hotel bill at check out. And would not know just what was said etc until years later when she brought it up. SORRY MOM! <3
   Many who have never been in the service do not understand that even if you have not seen combat when you come home you never feel the same. It is like the rest of the world moved on and changed and you missed out on it. When I got out and moved back to Michigan my home town had changed so much. The old school I went to was torn down the dime store was closed as were many other stores and places I knew growing up. It had all changed and to me it was like it happened in a flash. For those who were there it happened a little bit at a time. The Nieces and Nephews had grown so much my Parents had aged my friends were married and had kids and all this happened while I was away I and was a bit of a shock to have it all come at me at once.  I felt out of place like I did not belong anymore and in fact I did not it was like starting over. Also I had changed to those I left behind they expected me to be the same person I was when I left but I was no, there was way to many experiences that had happened to me that they could never understand.
   In the service the people around you become your family and they deal with the same things you do pretty much day in and day out so they get much of what you are thinking and feeling. I do not know what I expected when I came home but I just felt left behind out of place and not part of the world I had once known so well.
   Those years of living on my own and doing it my way became a brick wall when I returned home. My parents did not agree with my new found way of looking at life and we butted heads many times. It came to a point I had to get away and once again be on my own living life on my terms. I packed my things and hit the road not really knowing were i was headed just anywhere but there. I lived in my car for a long time then landed in Pittsburgh were I started a new life. Once again I felt the need for space from my family but always in the back of my mind missing those days when we all gathered together for the holidays. So I drank and drugged to mask to myself and the world I needed those people in my life. Try as I might I never really fit into the world I was living in in Pittsburgh I just sort of moved along with the crowd and tried to act like I was part of it all.
   It took a few years and falling on my ass broke and alone to get it through my head I needed to get home and start to build a relationship with my family again. I moved back and tried but something was missing and that something was me. In all those years away I had morphed and changed but never really found who I was. I had mimicked and emulated others around me their music their likes and dislikes but never really becoming or finding me. I always wondered what people meant when they talked about finding themselves it sounded sort of stupid to me. I mean look in the mirror and there you are is what I thought. I looked in the mirror but what was looking back was not me it was the me I had put on for the world and it would still take many years and even to this day to work on who the hell am I? 
   The last great Christmas I remember  was the last year my sister Debbie and all the family were together. We lost her a few years later to cancer and since then Christmas just is not the same. Debbie was a mix of emotions at times I wanted to strangle her and at times I wanted to spend time laughing and joking with her. She was a complicated person but also the life of the party and had this light about her and even when she pissed me off could turn around and make me laugh. Yes once she was gone I never got that Christmas spirit again. My Mom tried over the years to bring us all together but for one reason or another it never worked out.
   Funny how in life or at least mine it is true you never know what you have until its gone and that you can never really go home. So I say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas and I smile but just not feeling it, not feeling that child inside i think he is off someplace pouting in the corner for days gone by.   

Dave Is Back Back Again Dave Is Back Tell A Friend

  Wow it was this time last year the last time I wrote anything in my Blog. I have been keeping my self busy with my new Quilting addiction. I am still unable to work a job so my money is still tight and I have to do everything on the cheap. A couple of my friends gave me sewing machines that I can use to sew and the material I use is old clothing I cut up to make my squares. If someone had told me a few years back I would be quilting I would have said they were flipping nuts. I am only able to do the tops of the Quilts I still need to learn how to quilt them but for now I am happy just making the tops.
   I wonder some times why I even write in this blog talking about my life to people who do not even know me. I guess its a kind of therapy I am unable to get away from the house due to health problems so I spend a lot of time alone. The other people in the house are not big talkers and when they do its about illness or their pains so I feel I want to scream SHUT UP!!! So I guess the Blog is a way to dump the shit that rattles around in my head and get it out.
   I was always a very social person and liked being around people but as the years go on I have become less and less interested in having contact with the outside world. I find I love being around animals more than humans.  I have also noticed that when I am out say in a store I have become very uncomfortable in crowds. I may have mentioned this before in my blog I can not remember what I have talked about so forgive me if I am rehashing something.
   I am not be crazy about the recent outcome of our election here in the US and was not crazy about who we had to chose from but I am glad it is over.  I am forever an optimist so I am hoping all will turn out for the good. It was hard for me to watch as my friends and family ripped into each other over this election and many stopped talking to each other. The United states from the votes looks to be split almost in half in their way of thinking and still the battles rage on. I sit back and watch and try to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I used to spend a lot of time on Face Book it was my place to go and keep in touch with the world but with this political war going on found the fun of it was sucked completely out of it. So I took some time away from it and often found myself wanting to check in and see what was going on but the few times I did nothing had changed the political madness raged on.
   Then I found a quilting page on Face Book and found other people who shared my addiction and started learning new things from the members in that group. I was able to finish two quilt tops and started working on a new one. The new quilt top has proved to be more work than I thought and will take me a while to finish. This quilt top I am working on is made from using scrap material the stuff that most of the time is tossed in the trash bin. I am sewing it together in a random pattern and will decide how it will go together as I go.
   I have noticed that I am eating less food it just does not even interest me I am doing so just so I do not get sicker. I try to keep up on drinking enough water but know often I do not. Have not been sleeping well my mind will not shut down at night when I should be asleep. I went to the doctor to see if it was something to worry about and was told it is common with age. I so hate going to the doctor these days it seems they are all young and have no idea what it is to age. I get some satisfaction knowing it will happen to them some day hell I am only 50 I think to myself. Then I think how many in my family have passed away in their 70's.
  So if I follow their lead 70's that means I have 20 more years give or take. How the hell did I get here? life just blew past me and much of it is a blur.
  Well enough of that no need to get all depressed after all it is the Holidays Ha! the Holidays when we are all so happy insert sarcasm emoji here. I remember as a kid being so excited about Christmas and even on in years I used to decorate and love all the foods etc. The past few years I have decorated less and less and now could care less if I even have a tree.  Dragging all that shit out is just a chore and one I just do not care to do. I know I hear you saying Humbug and I get it. I wish I was more into it just is not that big of a deal.
  In the past I would make out my Christmas cards while passing out Halloween candy then put them in the mail a few days after Thanksgiving. Now I am lucky to even get them out for Christmas.
   So now that I have you all cheered up and ready for the Holidays 8-) I would like to wish all a blessed and pleasant Holiday what ever you celebrate. Be good to one another and spread love not hate.     

You Never Left My Heart

   I thought about you today the way I often do I wondered where you are and how life turned out for you.
   I thought about the day we met and how it felt to find a person who was so loyal so loving and so kind.
   I thought about the whens the wheres and even about the why's and how I wished back then that I had realized.
   Realized you needed something I would not give, you needed space and time alone some room to grow and live.
   I only thought about myself I was selfish in that way I wish I could turn back the clock there are things I would like to say.
   To tell you that I loved you in my twisted way and how I treated you haunts me to this very day
   I was broken when you met me maybe you could not see the person that I showed you was the one I wish to be.
   The real me was dark and hollow just an empty shell but with my false smile I wore how were you to tell.
   Looking back at the woulds the should's the could's I wonder how I hid the fact that I was damaged goods.  
   Time exposed me for who I really was yes time exposed me as it often does.
   I took away your world and placed you in a cage I called you names and effecting you with my rage.
   I smothered you so much and took away your light, that thing that had attracted me and in you burned so bright.
  Although I never hit you my words punched you just the same Oh how I acted then makes me feel much shame.
    For many years I was sure the end was all because of you As I reflect now I know that  was not true.
   I had no clue then I had the world right there by my side I did not see you struggling and just how hard you tried.
   I wanted to keep you from the world and have you to myself  I wanted you to stay the same and keep you on a shelf.
   Keep you as I found you leave no room for change I can see now my behavior was so very strange
    I made you pay for how the world had treated me I hurt you oh so deeply how could that be?
   You never deserved the things I did to you and when I say I am sorry please believe that its sincere and true.
  I hope that you are happy and found in life your bliss I hope that you are out there and maybe reading this.
   Saying that I am sorry the past it will not take away but I keep you in my heart and for your happiness I will prey.
  I have grown and changed and not the jerk that you once knew It was me who screwed things up please know it wasn't you.
 

Auld Lang Syne 2016

    Christmas came and went as did the New Year 2016 rolled in and I felt empty no joy in Mudville. Without my Mom it just did not feel like Christmas. My Mom loved the whole production of Christmas the wrapping the shopping the decorating and she always cooked up big meals. We often had lots of family around at those times so the house was full of laughter and crazy relatives playing pranks on one another. Sometimes it was Dads side of the family and some times Moms and often a mix of both. We would have to bunk on the floors and couches giving up our beds to the older family members. It has been some time since I have been to a large gathering of family I think the last time was in the year 2000. The last Christmas our immediate family was all together was 1992. My sister Debbie would become sick with a rare cancer and she passed a few years later.

  The reason I have not been on here much as I have had some financial problems and unable to work because of health issues so I have no cash for internet connection. It was like going through withdrawals not having my net connection. There is so many times I think of something I would like to blog about but with no net service I am not able to write it down. By the time I get to a computer to type it out I forgot the thought completely. I have been playing around with a couple book Ideas and was going along pretty good but seem to have hit a wall creatively and the words just will not come the flow has gone. I started quilting to keep me busy and that also has become a dead end I just can not muster up much enthusiasm for anything.
      
   My family has suffered some losses of people that meant a lot to me my sister Debbie as I said. My Aunt Phyllis passed and I had not seen her for some time. She had moved into my parents house to live and she and my Mom and I all worked at the same plastic factory for a time. She was such a sweet giving loving person and we had a lot of fun at work goofing around but also getting the work done. She moved out and back with her family and soon began helping my grandmother who eventually became unable to do for her self and moved in with my Aunt. My Grandmother passed on and not long after my Aunt Phyllis became ill and passed. I was unable to attend either one of their funerals. My mother had gone to help take care of my Aunt when she got sick and was there when she passed. A few months latter we lost my Mom. The loss of my Mom was a big blow to my emotional state and I still have not gotten used to the fact she is gone. I have often picked up the phone to call her only to realize once again she is not there. So maybe my emotions are clogging my creative flow.

   I am thinking maybe it is my Medications I take to try and keep my intestinal problems in check. They make me feel sort of out of it and in a state of constant mellow that I think maybe is blocking my creative side. I have not been painting or creating much of anything.

   I have started scanning family photos and working to put names to faces. After my Mom passed away I inherited all her photo albums. She had started writing names on backs of photo's but was only a quarter of the way through the massive pile of pictures. I want to scan them and place them on disc so anyone who want copies can have them. This way not just one person has all of the family pictures. It is always sad when a flood occurred or god forbid a fire and all the old photo's are lost. This way there will be copies with someone at all times. I also have transferred all our old home movies to DVD and I hope they will keep better than the old reels of super 8 16mm and 8mm and VHS God I am old!  

   Some times it is hard while scanning pics as they bring back memories. The furniture we used to have being I am almost 50 was had some funky stuff over the years. The 40's and 50's furniture was not so bad and was hand me downs from family and garage sales. That 70's stuff however was colorful and bright oranges reds rust browns and Oh there was what they called shag carpet had thick long yarn look. It was all the rage then but looking back it was ugly stuff. If you ever get the chance Google 70 style furniture. The plates we ate on the things that hung on the walls the cars we had all these things in the background of the photo's hold memories and I find my mind wandering while scanning. Thinking of people places and things gone by and wondering what ever happened to this or that.

 
 Growing up I figured I would be dead way before 30 so I hurried to cram as much life in as I could. Funny I say Life but I had no clue what that even was back then. I ran from family not wanting them to drag me down (Had to live my own life my way) and just about the time I am settled and ready to accept family they all start passing on me. For those who do not know passing means death seems a less blunt word and rolls of the tong much easier. I also like using the word wake instead of funeral maybe because I heard my parents say wake. When they grew up the deceased person was kept at home until the burial the family would set up all night with the deceased to keep watch over them thus the phrase Wake.  



   Our family has suffered many blows my Father was forced by health reasons to have to move into a convalescent home many miles from our home. My Mom was forced to sell the house and move to be closer to my Dad. It was strange to drive down the driveway that last time after she sold the house knowing someone else would be living in the hose I grew up in. I went back once and the people who owned the house let me walk through it but it was strange, although the rooms were still the same they were painted different colors and had strange furnishings in them. All the memories were still there but that feeling of being home was gone.

   When I looked for a house to buy I found one a lot like our old house the floor plan is not exact but close to our old house and as soon as I walked in I knew it was the place I wanted to live. I instantly felt at home. Well those are my first ramblings of the new year 2016. May this Year bring only good things to you and yours and God bless and keep you all safe happy and healthy.