Feeling kinda lonely today and wanted to write some in my blog now cue the crickets as nothing comes to mind no wonderful words no stories nothing to complain about just sitting staring at the white screen. How is it when I lay down to sleep at night my mind will not shut off and thoughts bounce around but the moment I sit to write it goes blank?
I was asked by a friend the other day if I was happy I said yes without hesitation but after thought about that question in depth. Hmm Happy? well yes in many ways I am and others not so much but thinking that's normal?
After the battle with cancer I was on a high for years seeing life in a different way the blue sky seemed bluer the green grass greener everything seemed intensified even my emotions where heightened. I was not so good with emotions in the past and hid most of them so at first was not what I would call fun being so emotional charged. When faced with death something changed in me a sort of awakening an appreciation of the small things a calm I never felt before.
I was taught growing up men don't cry and should not be overly affectionate a hand shake not a hug. After cancer I hugged and may have made some uncomfortable with that as most people have a personal space rule a sort of invisible bubble around them they do not like others to invade unless asked into that space. I found I had become starved for affection not in a sexual way just human contact. There is just something so satisfying from a real hug that makes me feel alive and connected to others. I have toned it down because like I say many feel uncomfortable with hugs. I guess others have been told and brought up that hugs are somehow more than just a way to say hey I missed you.
I think me being home bound and using internet to be connected has in some ways made it harder for me to interact with others. I feel more uncomfortable in groups of people and find now I am finding it hard to even have one on one with others in person.
Never in my early life did I think I would get to this point as I always loved being around people. I was one of those people that had friends in every group you know the Jocks the Geeks the Freaks the Preps the Nerds or what ever they are called today. I liked people for who they were not what they were or who they hung with.
In my days of military service I was always surrounded by others pretty much 24/7 for 7 years and got very comfortable and used to that. When I got out it took a long time to get used to having any alone time. Those 7 years in service I always had someone around to talk to or party with so never had much time to feel alone. It was like a different world being out and found myself getting very depressed and feeling as if I did not fit in to the world around me. The things I had known when I went in had changed the people gone on with life and were not the same as when I left. If you live in a town you do not notice the changes as much as when you move away and come back. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.
I thought about reenlisting often and wishing I had never gotten out. I received a letter from the government letting me know with the oncoming war I may be called back and in many ways was hoping they would. I was never called back and just marked it up to the old saying things happen for a reason.
So I still feel a hug is much better than a hand shake but understand its not cool with everyone so if we meet on the street and you see me coming and dont want that hug put that hand out as a block I will understand and suppress my hug urges. But you will be missing out cuz I give good hug.
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