What ever happened to the old Doctors seems all I get anymore is a 20 something or 30 something telling me my pain is due to my age. I swear the next Doogie Howser looking Mo-Fo that spews that shit at me is in for an old man ass whooping. I never see old Doctors any more even when at the Veterans Hospital and that place at one time seemed to be full to the rafters with old Doctors.
Hard to find an old country Doctor that is not attached to some super HOSPITAL in some form or fashion. They have to send everything out and get 2nd 3rd and 4th opinions. When I was a kid the Doctor looked at you said it was this or that and gave you a script to fix it. Now the are attached to a computer screen and typing away as they talk to you. Hell for all I know they may be playing angry birds and just nodding their head now and then to make me feel like they are hearing me. More often than not its a Nurse who does all the work and the exam so WTH are the Doctors for just walk in look at the info spew a few words if you are lucky and walk out of the room?
I know it upsets some people when someone says I miss the old days but this is one time I think I am in the clear saying I miss one on one with the Doctor ask questions and getting answers. Now they hand you a WWW.go F yourself.com address for you to get the answers you came to them for. Soon I feel they will put us on conveyer belts where we pass though a scanner to get a diagnosed then clean out our wallet at the end and bill us for the rest. I am sure the bill will list 20 some Doctors that claim to have looked at our info even if it was just glancing in the direction of it BILLABLE!!! Cha Ching.
And WTH is with charging me if I am late or miss an appointment but it is fine for them to overbook and make me wait hours past the time I was told I had to be there or cancel my appointment with not even a call to let me know. Sorry ass hole you are not on my list and shut the glass door in your face. It feels often when trying to get an appointment like I am trying to get into fricking Studio 54 or something (sorry sir you just are not sick enough to get in) and the bouncer tosses your ass to the curb.
God forbid you are sick and using the Veterans Hospital the call goes something like this. VA.....Hello how may the VA help you. Me... I am sick I need to see the Doctor...... VA Long pause not can you wait a minute just silence I often wonder if they hope I will hang up I swear they have bets and giggle to each other wondering how long the dumb ass on the other end will hold in complete silence. Me................Are you still there?.........VA........Yes Sir I am checking............I can hear the huff in the voice like I am taking time away from something they would rather be doing. VA........... Silence.....................click and I am sent off to another person who asked the same questions without so much as a kiss my ass from the first person............I tell the 2nd person I am sick need to see the Doctor tell them my info sorry not my department click I am off to another person or back to the person I started with. Long story short the Appointment is next month ummm hope I live that long hope its nothing important or life threatening. To be clear you are told to go to the nearest Emergency if you feel it is life threatening but they do not tell you you will be billed for that visit and it is not covered by the VA. ANYWAY LOL not a happy camper and that is my rant for today I am usually calm about such things but when you do not feel well you do not want to be held on the phone for an hour just to make an appointment with the Doctor and tell everyone and their brother why you need to see said Doctor. Most of the time the VA is very good but at times its like they bring in temp help to man the phones. OK thats enough Dave shut the hell up now LOL RANT OVER!
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Pressure Cooker Ramblings
roll your eyes if you wish but the mood is constricting and pressure is building and all the talk talk talk and more talk of how to fix it only seems to cause another problem everyone is running in different directions hurling emotionally charged verbal chatter at each other but no one seems to be hearing the other persons side words words and more words hurtful words the anger is building everyone wants to be heard everyone wants things done their way differences of color and religion are dividing us making many feel hate for those that do not look or believe as they do two steps forward and ten steps back genders pitted against one another to prove who is the better the stronger the smarter zooming in on others bed rooms telling who when and how one should love another person everyone wants to be heard but no one seems to be listening causes and effects power and powerless rich and poor young and old pitted against one another like gladiators battling to the death as the powers that be watch in the stands in glee thumbs up or thumbs down who is making the call? The steam is rising the pressure is building and when it blows we stand on the side lines wringing our hands and crying out why! why! why? the world is spinning out of control global warming? global cooling? bees are dieing? things to ponder one way or the other produce produce consume consume create mounds of toxic trash and waste but do not dump it in my back yard communication towers and wires strewn about the land poring a barrage of information some true some false some real and some fabricated and those lines are become blurrier and blurrier every day burning looting destruction seems to be the answer to a question no one wanted to answer the possible last result of years of hear me! see me! I'm here I'm here I'm here you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything but do not stand to close to me with that shit drop in drop out get real get over it let it go be a man put on you big girl panties grow up do the right thing exercise your rights but not to loudly is what we are told and hey while you are at it keep your opinions to your self the pressure is building can you not hear it hissing do you not feel the heat did you not get the memo did you not see the meme running in all different directions and no one wants to be bothered as long as it is not in their own back yard your God vs my God or the lack there of like some game that no one really wins but in this game lives are at stake see it my way or die killing one another over the fact we do not see eye to eye? poisoning our water our food our air as cancer runs ramped but hey you caused that by the way you lived your life? pump them full of pills to cure what ills inject them infect them they will blindly do as they are told with no thought of long term effects nature has what ya need but they are working hard to make that illegal I can hear the hissing I can feel the heat can you? its a pressure cooker and I feel it is going to blow
Sunday, February 22, 2015
No More I Love You's
Where do I fit in to this whole thing called life?????????????????????????? been asking myself that question as long as I can remember but never seem to find any solid answer. It sounds like a simple enough question but I'll be damned if I have even the smallest clue.
I wrote that a few years ago when it seemed my life was more a question than an answer. Now it is years later flash forward to a day I never thought I would ever ever in my life time have to endure. My phone rang and I happily picked it up thinking it would be a friend or family member calling to say hello. The voice on the other end was familiar but something was wrong there was a pause a stumbling of words and then like a brick wall the words came tumbling from the phone Mom's gone. OH MY GOD! was the words that came to my lips No! was the next. The call was from my sister and through her tears and stammering voice I was told the news of how when and where. After the blow of the news we consoled each other by talking for a while about growing up and how our mother had touched our lives. We talked about the good times and even the bad and as I hung up the phone it seemed like a dream and not real at all.
I had received one other call in my life that had hit me like this and that was the death of my sister who was fighting cancer. That call was a shock but in a small way more expected because I knew she was ill and may not make it as the cancer had attacked so vigorously and in the back of my mind I knew she may not make it. The call about my Mom was a shock, unexpected, abrupt as she seemed so full of life and healthy. I had seen her a few weeks earlier and thought to myself wow she looks really good for an old broad as she would say. She had stopped by with my sister to see me on her way back from a visit to family members something she did a lot always running here and there visiting family and friends. My father had been ill for many years and she had stayed very close to his side and not been able to travel much so I think she was trying to catch up for lost time.
We talked that day about family history and she said we needed to get together soon and go over the who's when's and where's so the history was not lost. She also said something I just let go by like the wind but her words now ring in my head (there may not be much more time to do this). As she left that day I gave her a hug like I always do and told her I loved her and watched as they backed down the drive tossing my hand in the air giving a wave as I went back into my house not knowing that would be the last time.
A few weeks later my phone rang and it was my Mom, we talked for almost 2 hours and had some good conversation about this and that and we laughed something we had not done much of in a long time. Now this call was strange in that it was very hard to keep her on the phone for any length of time and for her to talk on the phone for almost two hours was just short of a miracle. I called her the next week and once again we talked for about an hour and a half and when the call was ending she said you should feel privileged its not just anyone I would talk this long with on the phone and she laughed, we said our good byes and our I love you's then I hung up the phone and went back to my day not knowing it would be the last call. Now I keep hearing the song by Annie Lennox in my head No More I Love You's.
At this time my emotions are fresh and raw and at times it seems so unreal and at others it rings all to real. The emotional numbness is changing to realization that its not a dream and I will not wake up and shake it off. I feel deflated like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs and I find it hard to breath and yes the tears come poring now and then as the realization gets more and more defined within my brain. I may be an emotional mess but my Mom did teach me to be strong so I know I will get through this but this time I will have to do it without her mothering, that often annoying constant mothers prodding and guidance.
Many say when someone passes I wish I had done this or said that. I do not have those feelings with my Mom because I had a relationship with her where we said what we thought to each other even if at times it angered each other. The things said were never in a manner of hurting each other it was just being truthful straight forward no sugar coating. That is not to say there were times I wished she had a bit more of a filter or tact when it came to her truthfulness but looking back at it now it is something I am glad she did with me.
As a parent I think you learn that your children are not carbon copies of you or each other and each has their own personality feelings and behaviors. I think in many ways I am a lot like my Mom and in others we were worlds apart. Many of my good attributes came from her and yes there are those that some may see as not so good. She and I had our times when we butted heads and that stubbornness would kick in and neither would budge an inch but over time we would work it out and come to a point we agreed to disagree. She taught me to use my humor to get through rough times but also that there is a time to cry and a time to laugh. Her and I would be the ones at a funeral cracking jokes and making people laugh. Some would see that as inappropriate but as she would say I think so and so or the deceased would want us to celebrate their life and not morn with our head held low. I found that hard to do at her memorial because my wing man or my co instigator was not there by my side.
I could go on and on and tell you many stories of my Mom good and bad and there will be many more blog entries about her I am sure. But at this time all I know is her physical being is gone but I know within me she lives on and also with my sisters and their children.
So back to the statement I started this post with (where do I fit in to this thing called life)? I think the best description I can give is one a friend Dian left on my Facebook page about being a thread in a tapestry. My take on it is I am but one thread in a large tapestry called life and I am here so the next thread has something to cling to so the tapestry will take shape and not just fall apart in a pile of threads alone. My Mom was my brightly colored thread that I clung to and although she is gone and in time the colors may fade the thread is still there holding tight giving support to the next row of threads. I only hope I can be as strong of a thread and give support to the threads that come after me.
I wrote that a few years ago when it seemed my life was more a question than an answer. Now it is years later flash forward to a day I never thought I would ever ever in my life time have to endure. My phone rang and I happily picked it up thinking it would be a friend or family member calling to say hello. The voice on the other end was familiar but something was wrong there was a pause a stumbling of words and then like a brick wall the words came tumbling from the phone Mom's gone. OH MY GOD! was the words that came to my lips No! was the next. The call was from my sister and through her tears and stammering voice I was told the news of how when and where. After the blow of the news we consoled each other by talking for a while about growing up and how our mother had touched our lives. We talked about the good times and even the bad and as I hung up the phone it seemed like a dream and not real at all.
I had received one other call in my life that had hit me like this and that was the death of my sister who was fighting cancer. That call was a shock but in a small way more expected because I knew she was ill and may not make it as the cancer had attacked so vigorously and in the back of my mind I knew she may not make it. The call about my Mom was a shock, unexpected, abrupt as she seemed so full of life and healthy. I had seen her a few weeks earlier and thought to myself wow she looks really good for an old broad as she would say. She had stopped by with my sister to see me on her way back from a visit to family members something she did a lot always running here and there visiting family and friends. My father had been ill for many years and she had stayed very close to his side and not been able to travel much so I think she was trying to catch up for lost time.
We talked that day about family history and she said we needed to get together soon and go over the who's when's and where's so the history was not lost. She also said something I just let go by like the wind but her words now ring in my head (there may not be much more time to do this). As she left that day I gave her a hug like I always do and told her I loved her and watched as they backed down the drive tossing my hand in the air giving a wave as I went back into my house not knowing that would be the last time.
A few weeks later my phone rang and it was my Mom, we talked for almost 2 hours and had some good conversation about this and that and we laughed something we had not done much of in a long time. Now this call was strange in that it was very hard to keep her on the phone for any length of time and for her to talk on the phone for almost two hours was just short of a miracle. I called her the next week and once again we talked for about an hour and a half and when the call was ending she said you should feel privileged its not just anyone I would talk this long with on the phone and she laughed, we said our good byes and our I love you's then I hung up the phone and went back to my day not knowing it would be the last call. Now I keep hearing the song by Annie Lennox in my head No More I Love You's.
At this time my emotions are fresh and raw and at times it seems so unreal and at others it rings all to real. The emotional numbness is changing to realization that its not a dream and I will not wake up and shake it off. I feel deflated like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs and I find it hard to breath and yes the tears come poring now and then as the realization gets more and more defined within my brain. I may be an emotional mess but my Mom did teach me to be strong so I know I will get through this but this time I will have to do it without her mothering, that often annoying constant mothers prodding and guidance.
Many say when someone passes I wish I had done this or said that. I do not have those feelings with my Mom because I had a relationship with her where we said what we thought to each other even if at times it angered each other. The things said were never in a manner of hurting each other it was just being truthful straight forward no sugar coating. That is not to say there were times I wished she had a bit more of a filter or tact when it came to her truthfulness but looking back at it now it is something I am glad she did with me.
As a parent I think you learn that your children are not carbon copies of you or each other and each has their own personality feelings and behaviors. I think in many ways I am a lot like my Mom and in others we were worlds apart. Many of my good attributes came from her and yes there are those that some may see as not so good. She and I had our times when we butted heads and that stubbornness would kick in and neither would budge an inch but over time we would work it out and come to a point we agreed to disagree. She taught me to use my humor to get through rough times but also that there is a time to cry and a time to laugh. Her and I would be the ones at a funeral cracking jokes and making people laugh. Some would see that as inappropriate but as she would say I think so and so or the deceased would want us to celebrate their life and not morn with our head held low. I found that hard to do at her memorial because my wing man or my co instigator was not there by my side.
I could go on and on and tell you many stories of my Mom good and bad and there will be many more blog entries about her I am sure. But at this time all I know is her physical being is gone but I know within me she lives on and also with my sisters and their children.
So back to the statement I started this post with (where do I fit in to this thing called life)? I think the best description I can give is one a friend Dian left on my Facebook page about being a thread in a tapestry. My take on it is I am but one thread in a large tapestry called life and I am here so the next thread has something to cling to so the tapestry will take shape and not just fall apart in a pile of threads alone. My Mom was my brightly colored thread that I clung to and although she is gone and in time the colors may fade the thread is still there holding tight giving support to the next row of threads. I only hope I can be as strong of a thread and give support to the threads that come after me.
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