I have been asked many times if I was able to go back in time would I? and if so would I change anything. I thought about that question in depth and although I was not happy with things that happened in the past I also know if I change the slightest thing from the past I may not be the person I am today. Time travel could be a wonderful thing and I used to think it would be great to go back and fix things in my life that did not go as planed. The thing is I would have to confront myself in the past and I am sure knowing myself back then I would have thought the me of the future was off his rocker. How could I the future me get through the thick head of the me from the past when no one else could. Some say because you know yourself now and your past self you could get the warning message to sink in. I wonder if that would be true because I know I was very bull headed at times in my life and nothing anyone said or did could penetrate my way of thinking.
I watched an old Ray Bradbury Theater episode a few days ago that made me think differently about time travel. Ray Bradbury Theater for those that do not know was a TV show that ran from 1985 to 1992 and was based on stories written by Ray Bradbury it was on HBO a cable TV station. Anyway this episode I was watching was about a man who was a hunter and had hunted every animal known in that day and time. He was bored and wanted to hunt something different something he could not find in the time he was living. He went to a place that gave hunting tours to the past in a time machine. He wanted to hunt Dinosaurs so they get him all geared up to go back in the past but warn him not to kill anything not even a blade of grass because it may throw off the future. He could only kill an animal that was already going to die and had to kill it at a precise time that they had calculated before leaving for the hunt. He of course did not listen and thinking he was a big bad hunter almost shits himself when he sees a T-Rex and steps off the prepared path. The guide yells at him and seems very angry with him grabbing him and pushing him back into the time machine. Once back in the time machine they head back to the future. When they arrive back everything had changed and it was like a Nazi controlled world. The guide walks over to the man and pulls an insect off the mans boot that he had stepped on. Him stepping on that one insect changed the whole outcome of the future.
So all though at times I wish things could have been different I think going back in time could make them worse or change the life I have now. My life may not be perfect but I am pretty happy with the way things turned out. I have some great friends who have been there over the years and have great memories that I would not trade fro anything.
A friend brought up something to me today that made me remember something I used to ponder in the mess that is my brain. I am not sure if I read a story or saw a movie that made me think about this next statement but I thought about it many years ago. I used to wonder if I was actually setting in some mental hospital locked in a padded room with my straight jacket tied tight and the world I know was just in my head. This life I think I am living is just playing like a movie in my brain as I set there drugged up so I could not be a danger to myself or my caregivers. I thought about that also in depth that's just how my mind works and thought NO WAY! If I was actually only make this all up in my head I would hope my imagination would be better and I would be having a much better time. Also I would hope my made up world would be free of pain etc. The trees in that world would be greener no pollution, no war, no evil people killing each other, no one bullying the less fortunate people. And skin colors would be beautiful to everyone no bigotry no racism and most of all no HATE! So I am pretty sure this life is real.
I also used to think when I was younger that maybe I was the only human and everyone else was robots or that I was an alien from some other planet. I look back at how my imagination worked and in many ways still does. I live in the real world now but still imagine things in my head or work up scenarios while standing in a long line so as not to get bored. I can entertain myself no matter where I am just by going in my head and making up things (Sound strange?) maybe but I am never bored. I think I started doing that when I was younger to block out bad things. If I did not like what was going on or what was being said I would go off into my own world that I constructed in my head. Sometimes I could fly away or swim away to escape anything negative. I also think this may have been a bad thing in someways and possibly why I turned to drugs latter in life. I think I conditioned myself to escape and not deal with the bad things and as I got older I found it harder and harder to do this with just my imagination. I say Maybe that is why but I do not know for sure why I turned to drugs and why others did not.
Thinking about or trying to figure out why I turned to drugs when I was getting off of them made me feel like a failure damaged goods in the fact others around me never fell into the same trap I did when It came to the drugs. Why was a weak? Why couldn't I be strong like they were? Many unanswered questions that I learned did not all need to be answered but should be looked at so as not to repeat the mistakes. Knowing why I did something for good or bad reasons helped me to sort them out and hopefully not make those same mistakes again.
I think also that is why I started painting and writing because my mind is always on overload and thoughts swim around in my head like a huge school of fish and when there are to many swimming at once they start to collide. When they collide i feel overwhelmed and try as I might can not stop them from swimming. Not being able to shut it down I have lost a lot of sleep setting there saying Please! Please! shut off. I have sat alone in a doctors office and wrote whole books from start to end out in my head only to forget them when I tried latter to write them down. I wonder if other people have this problem or am I just wired differently.
I used to be very bad about things being just right. ADHD or ADD maybe? I liked things color coordinated stacked in straight lines facing the same way and the list goes on. I went through after becoming clean and free of drugs a clean freak. I would scrub and clean and everything had to be in its place no dust no dirt and that got very tiring and I was wore out most of the time tiring to keep up with CLEAN! I still go though times when I get into my clean freak trip but I am less disturbed by clutter than I used to be. I remember growing up many people had a setting room. This room had all new furniture in it and often covered in plastic, it was a room no one used unless there was company but any other time it was roped off like a shrine that no one could enter. Those rooms always intrigued me and I would often sneak in there when no one was looking just because it was off limits. I do not want to live that way afraid to spill afraid to make a mistake but for some reason I slip back to a mental attitude like that sitting room trying to remain perfect all dressed in bleached white no dirt no cobwebs etc. Well that bleached white scenario was never and is still not my life so I try to live in the real world as much as possible but I am here to tell you some times that is a hard thing to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment