Many times I have hit emotional low points in my life and many times felt as though I could not go on. I have been lucky enough to have had people who seemed to show up just at the point I felt I had no more to give and saved me from myself showing me that life has so much more to give. I have stated many times in my Blog that most of the rough times in my life I brought on myself causing myself much pain trying not to face up to life and the fact it is not always sunshine and good times.
One such point in my life came around 1998 I was feeling defeated and like I was going no place fast and had no clue as how to change the sinking feeling I felt. I had given up drugs and was living a sober life in that I was not using drugs but my mind set had slipped back to my old way of thinking that I was worthless and did not deserve to have a happy life. I was working a job that when I started working there I loved and was happy to get up and go in everyday and felt good about myself. Many changes in the company few for the better turned my dream job into a nightmare and soon I felt trapped working just to pay bills and basically had no enjoyment in my life. I had based my self worth on my job and had not noticed it had become like a drug and I was putting all my effort into the job and not living my life. The changes at my job forced me to see I had become dead inside and was just existing from day to day and had let the job become my life. The company was folding around me and they were letting people go right and left and that meant more work for me with the same pay. They were not just letting people go the were firing people for anything they could and often on trumped up charges so they would not have to pay them for unemployment.
Before I knew it it was my turn on the chopping block and when it happened I was stunned and felt very lost. It happened at a time jobs were not plentiful and what jobs were out there paid next to nothing. After being let go I was putting in applications like crazy and getting no response and it did not take long for me to feel defeated. I had health problems and no insurance and as I felt worse and worse physically and with no work the emotional down fall was just around the corner. Not feeling well and just freaking depressed I started to pack on pounds and it seemed to happen over night. I would look in the mirror and get even more depressed looking at myself and that would make me eat more until I just did not care how I looked. I at last got a job at a grocery store stocking shelves it was not a great job or did it pay well but it was a job and I could pay the bills. I felt I was going backwards in life and not forward depressed and feeling defeated I would come home from work eat and spend my time in front of the TV or computer I just did not care.
Like I say many people have made appearances in my life at the right time and this is a story of one of those people. I love my family deeply but have gone through times when I distanced myself from them mostly for reasons that had nothing to do with them or their actions. I would just often go though stages in life I just wanted to deal with on my own mostly stubbornness on my part thinking I needed no ones help and could deal with my problems on my own. I think also not wanting my family or friends to view me as a failure or see how I had let myself go I would avoid contact with them other than on the phone.
I do not remember exactly how or when but my Niece Julie and I started talking on the phone now and then. I was a teenager when she was born and had not spent much time with her since she was very young. She was in High School when we first started talking again after years of little contact and it was strange to picture her as the young woman she was becoming when I had that mental image of her as the little girl I took to a Daddy Daughter dance. Her father was not in the picture and I was proud that she had asked me to be the one who took her to something so important. I sadly was unable to take her the next year because of my job and I felt bad but I could not get the time off from work. Time goes by and things change so fast when you are not paying attention and it can be shocking to see someone after many years and how much they have changed.
In talking with her I would find out we shared many of the same passions and liked the same kind of music also our mutual love for Roller Coasters and travel. I had not been on a Roller Coaster in years and had forgotten the rush I used to get from riding them. We talked about life and her plans and the fact she wanted to travel to Europe as I had. I told her to do it while she was young and free of ties like family,home, and possibly children. She did take her chance and was able to travel to places I had always wanted to go but never had the chance Australia was always a dream of mine and she was able to go I was so excited for her and happy she had the chance to experience it.
We kept in touch over the years and she went off to college and graduated. We had not spoken in some time and she called and asked if I would like to make a trip to Ohio and an Amusement Park called Cedar Point. This call came at I feel the lowest point for me emotionally and my physical health was not good but we made plans for a trip. I was excited and fearful about the trip but something inside me knew I needed this at the time.
Looking back I remembered the first time I had been to Cedar Point was way back in the 70's with my family and had returned many times over the years. Cedar Point was the destination for many school trips the church youth group and baseball team members so over the years I had seen many changes to the park. The first time I was there it was more like a fair grounds not many permanent rides mostly Tilt A Whirl and other fair type rides. Over the years the park grew and added many Roller Coasters and had some record breaking Coasters as in the highest fastest etc. As I say Julie and I made plans to go and I felt a rush of excitement I had not felt in years.
I was still working for the job I would be let go from the one I spoke of that in my mind devastated me. This trip came at a time things at my job were becoming strained and I could feel changes in the air after 5 years of good working conditions things just felt off and I thought maybe it was just the fact I had been there for a long time with no vacation maybe I was just burnt out.
We made a date to go and I put in a request for that day off. The closer it came to the day we would go the anticipation built like a kid waiting for Christmas day and wanting to rip into the gifts under the tree. We met and drove down early in the morning and arrived at the park before they opened so we stood in line waiting for the ticket booths to open. When the ticket takers opened up the ticket lines we gave the ticket taker our tickets and entered into the park. As you enter into the park there is a huge open area that had barriers set up blocking off the Midway just inside the front gate to hold the crowd back until it was time to let people into the park. I had not been out in public much and the crowd that was building behind us waiting for the barriers to be taken away was causing me to feel boxed in. I could see the huge Coasters in the park and felt a chill run up my spine part anticipation and to be truthful part down right freaking fear. As more and more people were let in the front gate and the crowd grew my anticipation grew as did my fear of what I was about to do.
It seemed like forever we stood waiting and then the barriers started coming down and a mad rush of people like the running of the bulls started. The mad dash was people trying to get to their favorite coaster or ride before the lines grew into an hour or more wait to get on them. Julie and I had planed out in advance what ride we wanted to get on first and we bolted to get to it as fast as possible. I had informed her that I was sketchy about the highest newest ride Millennium Force at the time the highest coaster in the world and wanted to start smaller and build myself up to riding that one. We had picked a good day and we were very lucky that lines were not long and the most we waited that day was about an hour.
After riding many of the rides and some twice we made our way to the new coaster and as we stood in line and moved closer to getting on the ride I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. Before I knew it there we were about to get on and be strapped in. I watched the cars pass as the riders in front of us left the station and watched them ascend up a hill that looked as if it was straight up. Before I knew it we were next on the ride and soon I was being strapped in and we were on our way to the top of the first hill. I looked down and the people looked like ants below and just then we reached the top and the front car went over the top and soon we were following them. All I could get out was OOOOOOOMYYYYYYGOD. The first hill plunged us downward into what felt like a straight down drop I could feel myself get light headed and before I could regain myself we were being whipped around then up then down and at last we came to the end of the ride. As the coaster came to a stop all I could do was laugh uncontrolled deep belly laughs as I realized what we had just done. It had been a long time since I had faced a fear like that and it felt good I felt alive like I had not in a long time. I know it sounds strange but that trip and riding that ride I feel freed me and in someways saved my life. My niece came along at the right time and unbeknownst to her changed my life that day for the better.
No comments:
Post a Comment