Why Was My Name On The List?

   I feel much guilt for the fact I survived my fight with cancer. Winning can be very bitter sweet leaving you to wonder why me and not them? It may sound strange to many but after my treatments were done and I was told they had gotten the cancer I felt a loss much like the loss of a friend and a deep depression. I had not felt I had a purpose in my life for some time and when I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer suddenly I had something to fight with and I had a purpose. Once treatment was done I felt left out in the cold and wondering what now? even though I went into it with a survive it attitude I think the possibility you may not make it is in the back of everyone's mind. You try to not think that way but you also know it is always looming in the air. Maybe the way I lived my life knocking myself in the head and doing everything the hard way prepared me for the fight I was about to take on.

   Once again the loss of a cancer fighter has brought a wave of feelings and revisiting my own situation. Not that I mean to make their passing about me but it brings up many feelings and what If's. My family has also lost yet another to cancer as it has many others over the past few years. I am sad for many reasons first and foremost I am sad for the loss of the beautiful souls who fought for years against cancer and lost the battle. I am sad that I am not able to rush to the side of their family members and console them and be with them. I am sad for those left behind wondering why?

   Being given the news you have cancer forces you to look at your life and that can be very scary. Thinking of people you have wronged or just lost touch with. Thinking of people you wished you had taken more time to get to know many feelings and thoughts go through your head. When I hear someone else has been given the news or lost their battle I wonder if I was worthy of being able to win and live on. Why was I chosen to have another day and they are taken. Maybe it is like survivors grief I am not sure but although I am happy to be here I still can not help but ask why me?    

   I have never been really afraid of dieing but find it funny that when you know you may have a short shelf life or get an expiration date stamped on you, you start to see life in a whole different way. I my self felt at ease and more at peace being that I was able to be more myself than I had ever been in my past. I was able to say things to people and show my affections in ways I feared before. I have always been a hug type person when I see someone its my first reaction to give them a hug and in the past had shied away from that. Knowing I may die tomorrow made me feel braver and less fearful of letting people know I loved them. Kind of sad that the possibility of dieing helped me to feel more comfortable showing people affection.

   I hurt deeply when I hear that someone who had very young children has been taken by cancer. I think about all those moments the kids will miss out on Daddy Daughter Dances, Prom Night, playing sports or in the band and looking in the stands to see that empty spot because they are not there. I feel deep hurt when I hear a young child has been taken by cancer and can only imagine what a parent feels watching their child slip away. I feel deeply because I can not help but think maybe it should have been me and they should have been able to live on. There are some I would have gladly given my spot on the list if I had been given the choice. For some reason God put my name on the list to stay so I will try my darnedest to make the best of the gift I was given. I can only hope that I make those that did not make that list feel that I was the right choice to live on. God bless my sisters and brothers that are fighting now, won the fight, and to those who have lost. I send you a hug and my LOVE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   STAMP OUT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!