Dear Past.
Where did you go? I turned around and you were gone like a flash of lightning. I ponder about things now at this time in life and look back often and wish I had paid better attention and that I had been able to appreciate you more. Maybe it was youthful ignorance and the fact I was afraid what the future held, afraid of being left behind alone, so I in my rush to live life grabbed at it like a man drowning. What I did not understand was there were many life lines but I refused to see them and swam past them losing my strength and going farther and farther into the deep leaving myself no solid ground to stand on forcing myself to either float or swim. Very seldom did I choose to float that's just not how I did things. I swam and swam until I lost my energy and would sink to the bottom. Once at the bottom it would take me a long time to regain my strength to resurface and start swimming again. You would think I would learn from that but NO I would come back and start the race all over again.
Always looking forward and never living in the moment, I missed out on so much and if not for faded photos, I would not have recollections or memories of the people places and things. I was to busy swimming in a race that I would only learn latter I was competing in against myself. You were always there but I did not see you in the shadows watching me rushing off in every direction without any plan without any destination. I thought I was living life but the fact was I had let life live me. You sent some wonderful beings to share the journey with me but in my inability to feel safe or comfortable, I would not ever let them fully be part of my journey. Stubbornness in my thinking that I could, or even that I was doing my journey on my own. How young and stupid I was how frightened. Some may call it selfishness on my part and to that I say you may be right but I feel it was the fact I thought I was, and would be the only one truly ever there for me. I do not know were this thinking came from but I know I thought I was in the journey alone.
I did let some share in a bit of the journey but after a short period I would feel afraid and need to create space and often that meant leaving that person in my wake as I swam as fast away from them as I could. Closeness scared the hell out of me and I did not want to let anyone in for fear of loosing myself in the process. Ha! loosing myself seems so funny now because at the time I did not even know who the hell I was. To be truthful I still to this day do not really know who I am. I change and morph each day they call it growth and now I can agree but then it always felt like shedding my skin or loosing a part of myself. As I have aged I do not fear change as much which is the opposite of what most say as they age. I still wonder what if, and why not ,when I think back some of the what if's hurt to revisit but I see now it is best to make peace with them it makes the swimming easier without that excess weight pushing down. The Why not's also can be difficult to look at but also need to be dealt with to lighten the load.
I still swim but I have learned to float when I need a rest, and I have also learned to take hold of life lines when I need them. I am no longer in a race I am now just enjoying the swim and the fact some may be farther along than I and that some may be behind me.I am learning to live in the moment and let the future be a mystery and the past be a sweet memory of bad and good times. I still wish at times I would have paid better attention to you and taken advantage of the things you had to offer but that is as they say water under the bridge. I do thank you for all you have taught me, you have made me the person I am today. I hope you do not mind that I do not visit as much as I used to but I think it is for the best.
Thanks ........................
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