After all the years of searching for that one person I could click with in that way one does with that one person on a level that no words can describe and only that person can understand. After all that searching with no luck at last I would reach an epiphany that would require me to end my search and take time to repair and cleanse the cluttered life I had made for myself. This epiphany came to me while I was reflecting back on the road I had traveled, and the people who had joined me along the way on my journey down that long road that had eventually brought me to the empty lonely place I ended up at.
I would realize it was not the world or the people along the way that had beating me down it was in fact me who was the problem and I had alone held myself in bondage. The bondage of fear and self pity and hatred that I had engorged myself in had built impenetrable walls around my heart and those who tried to get in were met with brick and stone. I taught myself to hide the fact I was trapped within my own sickness and twisted view of the world and thought I was doing so to keep myself safe. There were those who joined me on my path and would occupy space inside the walls of the fortress I built at the end of the path. I would let them in my fortress after making them swim the mote full of sharp barbed wire and flesh eating creatures and scale the high brick and stone walls and once they were in I felt comfort in the fact I was not alone in the suffering and allowed them to become trapped with me thinking I was saving them from the world.
Once they had made there way in I would unknowingly proceed to feed off of their life force living life through them and not with them or for them until the day would come they had been fed on to long and would have to break away before their life force was drained completely. I did not know how to give of myself or what they wanted of me I only gave what I felt was needed and my twisted view of what others wanted was clouded by what I thought I myself needed. When they would at last gain their freedom from me I would view them as weak and proceed to justify them leaving as it being their misdoings and not mine I found it easier to deflect blame than it was to reflect it. At the time I saw no responsibility on my behalf for the troubles only seeing their faults and what I felt they had done wrong. Then on occasion after making someone jump through hoops and swim the mote doing all they could to show me love I would freak out because I would realize they had gotten too close and broken through my defenses. So for their efforts I would reward them without realizing it by doing all I could to push them away and return to my fortress where I thought I was safe and leaving them locked outside. No amount of their pounding on the drawbridge doors would shake me to allow them ever to get back in and they would eventually tire of the effort and walk away.
I wallowed in my little world I had built and as I did it got darker and darker and still I could not or would not accept that I alone held the key to unlock the door and let the light in. It was after all the place I had spent so much of my life and even though it felt very unhealthy at times it was familiar and change scared the hell out of me so there I was stuck in a world that became darker and darker each day. I can not pinpoint what day or what event it was that forced me to pick up my hammer and start chipping away at the walls but the fact I did is all that matters now.
Taking down those walls was the only way I could let in that person that I could have that special connection with and be able to give back as much life as I received from them. The first walls that had to come down was the trust walls and those had been built with reinforced steel beams and with the rocks and stones that had been hurled at me in the past. As each stone fell it would have to be examined to figure out why it was placed there in the first place. The first few stones to be removed took a lot of work and energy to pry them from the mortar that had held them in place for so long. Those first stones were emotionally draining to revisit the day they were placed there but as each stoned was removed the next became easier to remove. Some days whole walls would crumble down because the one stone I removed was placed there to support all the others.
After the demolition of much of the fortress I felt I was ready to allow someone in to possibly help me in my demolition of the past and help me build a better place filled with light and life.That first effort to let someone in failed tragically and once again I had no feeling of blame. I took life and love and once again knew nothing of how to return it so in the end the person had to walk away to save them self from being pulled down. This would be a recurring situation in my life until the day of that epiphany I spoke of early on in this little story. That epiphany was that the person I was looking for the one I needed to click with in a way that can never be described by words and only understood by that person was in fact myself. I would also come to the conclusion that until I could make that relationship work I could not give love light and life to another being.
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