I find myself laughing when I hear young people talking about their relationships and how deeply they are in love. I am not laughing at them and I think it important to let them know I am actually laughing at myself when I was at that age. I used to hate hearing older people tell me you do not understand what love is and at that time I did not understand what they meant by their words. I would not understand until I got older and had been through the ringer of dating and giving my heart to many who had no clue how to be in a relationship. That is not to say I was not clueless as well but at the time I felt I was so informed and the perfect catch so why did my relationships never work out. I would eventually come to see it was I that was the problem in most of my relationships.
Early on I wanted that intense all or nothing type of love, the type where you spend all your time together and shut the rest of the world out. I would find this type of relationship would become clingy and border on obsession and sooner or latter both would feel smothered. I then went the other side of the spectrum spending little time together and making others more important than the relationship trying to be more like friends than two people in love. Although it is important to be friends it is also important to have something more than that to hold two people together. My early crushes felt intense, and like I could not be whole without that person and would be shattered when they could not or did not return my affections. Please know that I hate the word crush or I did then because it seemed to diminish what I was feeling and at the time my feelings were volcanic either dormant or explosive. I say explosive but not in a violent way more like all at once in your face love me now here I am.
I would learn that people need space and time to them selves but also had to learn that there is a fine line between giving space and coming off like I did not care. I would often talk bad about my exes and point out all their mistakes but could not or would not own up to my part in the fact the relationship ended. I for some reason in my attractions seemed to lean toward the damaged people with lots of baggage. I think this fact came from my need to fix others and I was unwilling to look at myself and the fact I needed to be fixed.
I remember one relationship I had while in the Army that was to me perfect and everything I thought I wanted that equal amount of space and yet that intense togetherness. I went into that relationship seeing only what I wanted to see from the other person and in my mind building them up to be much more than they could ever be. Even when I was faced with the knowledge this person was only in the relationship for one thing I still chose to see them through rose colored glasses and forged on with the relationship. I was in fact setting myself up for a let down and hardening of my heart.
After that relationship ended because of many reasons that need not be discussed I became hardened towards love and became guarded with my feelings to the point of following that old saying find them "f" them and forget them. This would leave me feeling empty and used but for many years I would think it was the other people who had been the users and not me. I fell into a trap along with others that living for the moment was the way to live. It was fun at times but also damaging in many ways being that this did not really fit my personality. I was not the type to not feel something for people and could not deal with people walking away once they had satisfied their needs. I needed more than one night stands and brief encounters it was just not the way I was geared. I tried to not care and go with the flow but each time it would take something away from me and eventually leave me feeling very empty and alone. I partied on and on but never felt comfortable with the whole mentality of get it while you can.
I often wished I had met that one person aka my soul mate when I was young and stayed with them for life but that would probably have ended badly because I was not ready for that and I had so much to learn.
Some people meet their partner/soul mate early in life and are happy, I think that is wonderful but I also know that was not for me, I am the type who needs to learn the hard way and if it comes to soon or to easy I felt I did not deserve it. That statement (deserve it) was a problem also in my search because even when I would find people who in all aspects were a perfect fit for me I was under the impression I did not deserve to have that type of happiness. I in effect was my own worse enemy always battling within myself.
I also did something I said I would never do, I changed myself to fit the other persons wants and needs. I changed my look my likes etc to either mirror them or be what I thought they wanted and lost myself in the process. I would wake one morning and look in the mirror at a person I did not even know and a person I did not like much. This led to me being angry and blaming the other person for sucking the life out of me when in fact I had done it to myself by not being who I was or not knowing who I was to start with.
It is true those that look the strongest and seem to have their shit together are often the weakest and frightened to let anyone know that inside they are a freaking mess. Putting on a show of having it all together can become cumbersome and when it falls apart is very hard to admit to yourself let alone anyone else that in fact you had no clue the whole time. It was easy for me to lay the blame at the feet of those I was with and in my mind make it all their fault and I did that very well for many years.
There came a day I had to take a long look at myself and my shortcomings and own up to the fact I had caused myself much pain and unintentionally visited my pain on others. I had to take sometime for myself and work out in my mind just what it was I wanted out of life and the type person I wanted to share that life with. Living for others or changing myself to fit their image of what I should be had not worked nor had that old I do not care attitude I tried to emit because I did care and the problem was I cared deeply. I had so much love to give but had no understanding or concept of how to give it.
Taking time for me and working on myself trying to make peace with my past was the best step I have ever taken. It took a rock bottom moment in my life to shake me into submission to the fact I was damaged badly and my choices had not been in the direction of fixing that fact. I had used drugs to subdue the demons of the past but that was only a band aid and band aids have to come off sooner or latter so the wounds can get air. I spent a few years removing the band aids and finding scars I did not even know I had, some healed nicely, others scabbed over and I kept picking at them not letting them heal. I am still to this day removing band aids and working to heal from my past some wounds I did to myself some were inflicted on me but I own them all because I have learned that I am the only one who can control me and that is a full time job.
I learned to care again and more importantly forgive others for being human. I grew up in a time that I was told men do not show their feelings because it makes them weak I laugh at that because I am much stronger now that I admit I have feelings and that I am not ashamed to show them. I cry when the mood hits me and have learned to say what I think but with tacked as not to intentionally hurt others with my words.
I do get angry and I have days of depression but I am learning not to visit my emotions on others causing a domino effect. If I am pissed off it will not fix it to take it out on some random person working at a store who is just trying to do their job and feed their family or the wait staff at the restaurant who seems to not be moving fast enough. Each of those people are living life and I have no clue what obstacles they are dealing with each day. I find I can change my pissed off mood by making others laugh and find that to be contagious and in effect eases my bad mood.
Anyway as I look back I would not change one thing even the bad because it has brought me to this place and time and that makes me smile because all in all I am right were I need to be at this time. Life is not perfect and I am now OK with that fact even the best of relationships have ups and downs so finding the right person who can weather the storms by your side and except you for who you are is what it was all about for me and I am where I need to be.
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