Hugs or Hand Shakes

   Feeling kinda lonely today and wanted to write some in my blog now cue the crickets as nothing comes to mind no wonderful words no stories nothing to complain about just sitting staring at the white screen. How is it when I lay down to sleep at night my mind will not shut off and thoughts bounce around but the moment I sit to write it goes blank?
   I was asked by a friend the other day if I was happy I said yes without hesitation but after thought about that question in depth. Hmm Happy? well yes in many ways I am and others not so much but thinking that's normal? 
   After the battle with cancer I was on a high for years seeing life in a different way the blue sky seemed bluer the green grass greener everything seemed intensified even my emotions where heightened.  I was not so good with emotions in the past and hid most of them so at first was not what I would call fun being so emotional charged. When faced with death something changed in me a sort of awakening an appreciation of the small things a calm I never felt before.
    I was taught growing up men don't cry and should not be overly affectionate a hand shake not a hug. After cancer I hugged and may have made some uncomfortable with that as most people have a personal space rule a sort of invisible bubble around them they do not like others to invade unless asked into that space. I found I had become starved for affection not in a sexual way just human contact. There is just something so satisfying from a real hug that makes me feel alive and connected to others. I have toned it down because like I say many feel uncomfortable with hugs. I guess others have been told and brought up that hugs are somehow more than just a way to say hey I missed you.
    I think me being home bound and using internet to be connected has in some ways made it harder for me to interact with others. I feel more uncomfortable in groups of people and find now I am finding it hard to even have one on one with others in person.
   Never in my early life did I think I would get to this point as I always loved being around people. I was one of those people that had friends in every group you know the Jocks the Geeks the Freaks the Preps the Nerds or what ever they are called today. I liked people for who they were not what they were or who they hung with.
   In my days of military service I was always surrounded by others pretty much 24/7 for 7 years and got very comfortable and used to that. When I  got out it took a long time to get used to having any alone time. Those 7 years in service I always had someone around to talk to or party with so never had much time to feel alone. It was like a different world being out and found myself getting very depressed and feeling as if I did not fit in to the world around me. The things I had known when I went in had changed the people gone on with life and were not the same as when I left. If you live in a town you do not notice the changes as much as when you move away and come back. It was like being in the Twilight Zone. 
   I thought about reenlisting often and wishing I had never gotten out. I received a letter from the government letting me know with the oncoming war I may be called back and in many ways was hoping they would. I was never called back and just marked it up to the old saying things happen for a reason. 
   So I still feel a hug is much better than a hand shake but understand its not cool with everyone so if we meet on the street and you see me coming and dont want that hug put that hand out as a block I will understand and suppress my hug urges. But you will be missing out cuz I give good hug.  
 

Darkness meets Light

   It was my favorite little bar that I would go after work to sit watch the TV and have a few drinks to unwind. I had been going there for about a year and knew many of the others there by name. The bar tender would greet me when I walked in and knew just what I would be drinking a rum and coke no fricking lime. I did not talk much while there just sat and drank my drinks and let the world and all my troubles melt away all the shit from work the bills etc felt good not to have to think.
   It was a Saturday as I sat working on my 3rd rum and coke the first time we locked eyes from across the bar I smiled then went back to my own little world. Soon I found myself looking over again to see if they were still there. Once again locked eyes and smiled. I finished my 4th drink and  payed my bill and left. I found myself thinking back to those blue eyes and as I walked home I smiled to myself.
  Each day after work I found myself once again sitting at my usual spot drinking my drink and when I would looked up there were those blue eyes looking back at me. For weeks this game of looking smiling then acting as if we had no interest in talking. Yes this went on for weeks then the bar tender watching this cat and mouse game decided it was time to push us together and made the introductions this is so and so and this is so and so. We would sit that day and talk for hours about life our pasts our dreams it was electric even though we did not see eye to eye on things we were open minded enough to see why the other felt and believed the way they did.
   Let us fast forward to a month later as we moved into an apartment together and combined our lives  and our belongings into a small two room shoe box of space . Our styles and tastes in furnishings were different like night and day I was in a minimal point in my life less was more yet here was this person who saved everything and loved bright colors and to display everything in the open. It would be a challenge but some how we worked through it. For a year things between these two beings me as the night in a dark part of my life full of depression darkness and doubt and the other being as the day bright and ready to explode with bright color love and light went on day to day. 
   Over time the dark being soon deprived the awesome colorful being of its light and smothered it so it was unable to shine. The dark being slowly sucked the life force from the bright being changed the bright being to grey dragging them down into the darkness a little each day.
   After a year the now grey being needed to break free before being dragged all the way down into the blackness of the dark being.  So once again the dark one was alone unable to understand what happened to that bright colorful light with those beautiful blue eyes. But deep inside had knowledge of why the bright being needed to be free. The dark being felt jealousy towards the bright one for breaking away and living life in the sun. Why oh why could the dark one not break away?  
   

What Is Love

   When I was young I always thought love would be easy I would meet that person I connected with and just like in a fairy tale live happily ever after. It did not take me long to learn that thoughts,feelings and knowledge are so many worlds away from each other. Early in my life I learned that love can hurt and do damage to ones  soul, damage that may never go away no matter how hard one try's. Putting myself out there full force with all my being for another person holding nothing back was an awesome thing and nice to feel a feeling of freedom being myself. I was not prepared for the fact a little of me goes a long way and my crazy no holds bared way was not easy for others to take. I would have to learn to hold back and I did try that but in doing so lost what made me the person I am. I became more like a walking talking image of what I thought others wanted me to be and the real me slowly disappeared to the point when I looked in a mirror I was looking at a stranger. It seemed others liked the fake me so I worked at keeping the real me hidden but inside I was suffering a slow emotional death.    
   I went out looking for love with my false walk and talk etc assimilating into the world becoming like those around me taking on their likes dislikes mannerisms to become what I thought I should be to be accepted . For a time it seemed like at last I fit in. I would meet others in my search for love who I had feelings for and tried to have relationships with but I was always left feeling empty inside. I was putting so much effort ito being what I thought they wanted I lost track of who I was and thinking maybe this love thing is just not real. 
   I gave up and went back to being me and tried the love thing again I soon learned the persons I invested and entrusted my feelings and emotions with could not or would not accept me for who I was. I would also learn  that there are those who only wanted a small piece of me and not the whole package so they took what they wanted then walk away.
   I own the fact I went into the love thing with rose colored glasses much the way I did many things in life early on, but life taught me some hard lessons that effect me to this day. Once I was knocked on my ass a few times the rose tint started to fade and I began to see things from clearer eyes.  I returned to be guarded with my feelings to hold back and not let people see the real me learned to put on happy face even when I was feeling emotional pain from doing so.
   There are those who were lucky enough to find that special person early in life or so I am told. I wonder what it would have been like to not  have to go through the roller coaster of emotional drain that giving myself to someone can take only to end up alone in the end. Giving bits and pieces of myself trying to connect with someone and hoping they except me as I am the good the bad and the ugly bits.
   Seems in the love department I failed in so many ways and invested my energy in the wrong people. Looking back I now know I did not love myself and was not equipped to love another and picked my partners knowing they were damaged. Looking back my choices in love were in many ways selfish on my part serving my need to fix others because I did not know how to fix myself.  I to this day can not honestly say I love myself or have learned how to do that.  I do know time is running out I am in human years more than half way done in this crazy thing called life and still do not feel that all consuming love others seem to have. I exist I move day to day but don't feel  the connection or passion of another human. I guess in my next life if  I am lucky enough to have one  maybe I will learn what love really is or if there is such a thing? 

Free Spirit

   I stand in the middle surrounded by people I am connected to by blood but feeling alone. Is the feeling something I am fabricating within my self or is it real am I alone? I know within me I have anger with the people around me angry for the fact they have information or think they do about my private life information I feel is private and none of their business. Information I feel they can not understand and will use to label me and to place me in a preformed notion or idea they have made in their own minds with this information.Based on what they know of the world their beliefs and how they have lived their lives not based on who I am because as far as I can see they do not know me.

   I am a free spirit who has spent many years clipping my own wings to fit or conform to what I felt others thought I should be and in doing so stole the color and the light from my own life. I take full responsibility for this as I know I did this to myself. No one forced me to conform or to have a need to be liked it was something within myself. But time has come to move past this and become who I want me to be.

   I will never understand why people want everyone else to look talk walk and act alike or how they feel another person should. Maybe its frightening to see someone go their own way and live life off the normal track and makes us feel as if we are doing it all wrong. To make others conform and walk and talk alike gives us a feeling of being OK with what we are doing or not doing in our own lives but for me that makes for a very dismal surroundings. I for one love the differences and all those things that makes others so different from me. I love to talk to others and learn from them and sometimes I take bits and pieces of their experiences etc and use them to improve my life. But I often see people or meet those that will never see my way of thinking or why I am who I am and at this time in my life a I am fine with that.

   I am not one to push my beliefs or thoughts on another person I say what I think and feel and it is up to that person to do with it what they will. Gone are the days of worrying about fitting in or being liked. Oh its nice to know your are liked but the effort one has to put into that should be minimal they like you or they do not changing yourself to achieve that end is never never never a good thing.

  I do however hate for people to think they know me or my heart or mind by what they have heard from others. I say if you want to know my story ask me and if I feel you need to know I will tell you. I am an open book to people I feel comfortable with. I have made mistakes in sharing things about myself to the wrong people who used it against me but that also I take responsibility for the telling and the allowing them to use it. I am the one in charge of my life if it sucks its up to me to unsuck it no one person place thing or amount of money etc can fix what I allow others to do to me.

   I am a free spirit and I am just learning to soar something that should come natural but I have spent so much time and effort suppressing that natural  ability it will take time to learn the power that has always been inside of me.

      

The Joy of Christmas (NOT)

   The twinkling lights upon the tree hold no joy this year for me. The gifts were bought with little a thought placed there below the tree. No smiling faces no warm embraces no cheer and no glee. The day had become so humdrum just another day to me. I would love to get back on the holiday track to that long lost child that once was in me.

   Just seems I have lost that Christmas spark don't get me wrong I still love getting the cards and hearing from friends and family. Its nice to know they think of me during the holidays. I just do not have that Christmas spirit that awe of all the sparkling flashing decorations the hustle and bustle in the stores is more of an irritant were I once loved it all.    And here are maybe the reasons I have come to this point?

   Christmas was a big deal with my Mom the decorating the special foods that are only made at that time of year. She always tried to make it such a special time. I guess at the time I really did not notice just how much effort she put into it. She would often shop all year long to get the best deals and when I would tell her I was going to buy something would discourage me from it knowing she had already bought it and had it hidden away waiting to be wrapped and placed under the tree the next year.
   This will be the 2nd Christmas without her and it is not getting any easier as people tell me it should. Maybe it will for me 10 years down the road but it will not not be this year. As I set and gaze at the tree with ornaments she made on it all I can do is feel a sort of emptiness and wanting to go back to those days past. 
   I remember my first Christmas away from home while in the Army I was feeling very alone even with all the other people around me. I realized just how important those family gatherings around the holidays had meant to me. It was not the gifts or even the food I missed it was the people.  People who knew me and people who at times I wanted to get as far away from as I could and live my own life. Well there I was getting my wish on the other side of the world in Germany living my own life and it was not what I thought it would be. My sister had sent me a little 2 foot Christmas Tree that I had put up in my room. This would be another time in my life I sat and eyed the lights only to wish I was home with the rest of the nutty family. That was a hard time but nothing to that first Christmas without my Mom not being able to at least call her and say Merry Christmas.
  The next 8 years I was in the Army I never made it home for Christmas. It got less and less painful and most of the time I stayed drunk or stoned through the holidays parting with my friends going out to clubs and leaving home and family behind. I was making a life for myself  or so I thought. We would often get  large group together and invade some Hotel and stay for the Holidays whooping it up and in my case acting happy. We would exchange gifts and of course there was a lot of drinking I am assuming here but I think many felt as I did and the drinking was our way of hiding just how much we missed home.  I called my Mom one New Years drunk off my ass not thinking of the time difference and woke her up. She was happy to hear from me but stopped me a few times and said remember who you are talking to seems my drunk ass was spurting a few (BLEEP) words not thinking about it. I apologized said Merry Christmas Happy New Year hung up and went back to drinking I swear I did not even remember the call until it showed up on my Hotel bill at check out. And would not know just what was said etc until years later when she brought it up. SORRY MOM! <3
   Many who have never been in the service do not understand that even if you have not seen combat when you come home you never feel the same. It is like the rest of the world moved on and changed and you missed out on it. When I got out and moved back to Michigan my home town had changed so much. The old school I went to was torn down the dime store was closed as were many other stores and places I knew growing up. It had all changed and to me it was like it happened in a flash. For those who were there it happened a little bit at a time. The Nieces and Nephews had grown so much my Parents had aged my friends were married and had kids and all this happened while I was away I and was a bit of a shock to have it all come at me at once.  I felt out of place like I did not belong anymore and in fact I did not it was like starting over. Also I had changed to those I left behind they expected me to be the same person I was when I left but I was no, there was way to many experiences that had happened to me that they could never understand.
   In the service the people around you become your family and they deal with the same things you do pretty much day in and day out so they get much of what you are thinking and feeling. I do not know what I expected when I came home but I just felt left behind out of place and not part of the world I had once known so well.
   Those years of living on my own and doing it my way became a brick wall when I returned home. My parents did not agree with my new found way of looking at life and we butted heads many times. It came to a point I had to get away and once again be on my own living life on my terms. I packed my things and hit the road not really knowing were i was headed just anywhere but there. I lived in my car for a long time then landed in Pittsburgh were I started a new life. Once again I felt the need for space from my family but always in the back of my mind missing those days when we all gathered together for the holidays. So I drank and drugged to mask to myself and the world I needed those people in my life. Try as I might I never really fit into the world I was living in in Pittsburgh I just sort of moved along with the crowd and tried to act like I was part of it all.
   It took a few years and falling on my ass broke and alone to get it through my head I needed to get home and start to build a relationship with my family again. I moved back and tried but something was missing and that something was me. In all those years away I had morphed and changed but never really found who I was. I had mimicked and emulated others around me their music their likes and dislikes but never really becoming or finding me. I always wondered what people meant when they talked about finding themselves it sounded sort of stupid to me. I mean look in the mirror and there you are is what I thought. I looked in the mirror but what was looking back was not me it was the me I had put on for the world and it would still take many years and even to this day to work on who the hell am I? 
   The last great Christmas I remember  was the last year my sister Debbie and all the family were together. We lost her a few years later to cancer and since then Christmas just is not the same. Debbie was a mix of emotions at times I wanted to strangle her and at times I wanted to spend time laughing and joking with her. She was a complicated person but also the life of the party and had this light about her and even when she pissed me off could turn around and make me laugh. Yes once she was gone I never got that Christmas spirit again. My Mom tried over the years to bring us all together but for one reason or another it never worked out.
   Funny how in life or at least mine it is true you never know what you have until its gone and that you can never really go home. So I say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas and I smile but just not feeling it, not feeling that child inside i think he is off someplace pouting in the corner for days gone by.   

Dave Is Back Back Again Dave Is Back Tell A Friend

  Wow it was this time last year the last time I wrote anything in my Blog. I have been keeping my self busy with my new Quilting addiction. I am still unable to work a job so my money is still tight and I have to do everything on the cheap. A couple of my friends gave me sewing machines that I can use to sew and the material I use is old clothing I cut up to make my squares. If someone had told me a few years back I would be quilting I would have said they were flipping nuts. I am only able to do the tops of the Quilts I still need to learn how to quilt them but for now I am happy just making the tops.
   I wonder some times why I even write in this blog talking about my life to people who do not even know me. I guess its a kind of therapy I am unable to get away from the house due to health problems so I spend a lot of time alone. The other people in the house are not big talkers and when they do its about illness or their pains so I feel I want to scream SHUT UP!!! So I guess the Blog is a way to dump the shit that rattles around in my head and get it out.
   I was always a very social person and liked being around people but as the years go on I have become less and less interested in having contact with the outside world. I find I love being around animals more than humans.  I have also noticed that when I am out say in a store I have become very uncomfortable in crowds. I may have mentioned this before in my blog I can not remember what I have talked about so forgive me if I am rehashing something.
   I am not be crazy about the recent outcome of our election here in the US and was not crazy about who we had to chose from but I am glad it is over.  I am forever an optimist so I am hoping all will turn out for the good. It was hard for me to watch as my friends and family ripped into each other over this election and many stopped talking to each other. The United states from the votes looks to be split almost in half in their way of thinking and still the battles rage on. I sit back and watch and try to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I used to spend a lot of time on Face Book it was my place to go and keep in touch with the world but with this political war going on found the fun of it was sucked completely out of it. So I took some time away from it and often found myself wanting to check in and see what was going on but the few times I did nothing had changed the political madness raged on.
   Then I found a quilting page on Face Book and found other people who shared my addiction and started learning new things from the members in that group. I was able to finish two quilt tops and started working on a new one. The new quilt top has proved to be more work than I thought and will take me a while to finish. This quilt top I am working on is made from using scrap material the stuff that most of the time is tossed in the trash bin. I am sewing it together in a random pattern and will decide how it will go together as I go.
   I have noticed that I am eating less food it just does not even interest me I am doing so just so I do not get sicker. I try to keep up on drinking enough water but know often I do not. Have not been sleeping well my mind will not shut down at night when I should be asleep. I went to the doctor to see if it was something to worry about and was told it is common with age. I so hate going to the doctor these days it seems they are all young and have no idea what it is to age. I get some satisfaction knowing it will happen to them some day hell I am only 50 I think to myself. Then I think how many in my family have passed away in their 70's.
  So if I follow their lead 70's that means I have 20 more years give or take. How the hell did I get here? life just blew past me and much of it is a blur.
  Well enough of that no need to get all depressed after all it is the Holidays Ha! the Holidays when we are all so happy insert sarcasm emoji here. I remember as a kid being so excited about Christmas and even on in years I used to decorate and love all the foods etc. The past few years I have decorated less and less and now could care less if I even have a tree.  Dragging all that shit out is just a chore and one I just do not care to do. I know I hear you saying Humbug and I get it. I wish I was more into it just is not that big of a deal.
  In the past I would make out my Christmas cards while passing out Halloween candy then put them in the mail a few days after Thanksgiving. Now I am lucky to even get them out for Christmas.
   So now that I have you all cheered up and ready for the Holidays 8-) I would like to wish all a blessed and pleasant Holiday what ever you celebrate. Be good to one another and spread love not hate.     

You Never Left My Heart

   I thought about you today the way I often do I wondered where you are and how life turned out for you.
   I thought about the day we met and how it felt to find a person who was so loyal so loving and so kind.
   I thought about the whens the wheres and even about the why's and how I wished back then that I had realized.
   Realized you needed something I would not give, you needed space and time alone some room to grow and live.
   I only thought about myself I was selfish in that way I wish I could turn back the clock there are things I would like to say.
   To tell you that I loved you in my twisted way and how I treated you haunts me to this very day
   I was broken when you met me maybe you could not see the person that I showed you was the one I wish to be.
   The real me was dark and hollow just an empty shell but with my false smile I wore how were you to tell.
   Looking back at the woulds the should's the could's I wonder how I hid the fact that I was damaged goods.  
   Time exposed me for who I really was yes time exposed me as it often does.
   I took away your world and placed you in a cage I called you names and effecting you with my rage.
   I smothered you so much and took away your light, that thing that had attracted me and in you burned so bright.
  Although I never hit you my words punched you just the same Oh how I acted then makes me feel much shame.
    For many years I was sure the end was all because of you As I reflect now I know that  was not true.
   I had no clue then I had the world right there by my side I did not see you struggling and just how hard you tried.
   I wanted to keep you from the world and have you to myself  I wanted you to stay the same and keep you on a shelf.
   Keep you as I found you leave no room for change I can see now my behavior was so very strange
    I made you pay for how the world had treated me I hurt you oh so deeply how could that be?
   You never deserved the things I did to you and when I say I am sorry please believe that its sincere and true.
  I hope that you are happy and found in life your bliss I hope that you are out there and maybe reading this.
   Saying that I am sorry the past it will not take away but I keep you in my heart and for your happiness I will prey.
  I have grown and changed and not the jerk that you once knew It was me who screwed things up please know it wasn't you.
 

Auld Lang Syne 2016

    Christmas came and went as did the New Year 2016 rolled in and I felt empty no joy in Mudville. Without my Mom it just did not feel like Christmas. My Mom loved the whole production of Christmas the wrapping the shopping the decorating and she always cooked up big meals. We often had lots of family around at those times so the house was full of laughter and crazy relatives playing pranks on one another. Sometimes it was Dads side of the family and some times Moms and often a mix of both. We would have to bunk on the floors and couches giving up our beds to the older family members. It has been some time since I have been to a large gathering of family I think the last time was in the year 2000. The last Christmas our immediate family was all together was 1992. My sister Debbie would become sick with a rare cancer and she passed a few years later.

  The reason I have not been on here much as I have had some financial problems and unable to work because of health issues so I have no cash for internet connection. It was like going through withdrawals not having my net connection. There is so many times I think of something I would like to blog about but with no net service I am not able to write it down. By the time I get to a computer to type it out I forgot the thought completely. I have been playing around with a couple book Ideas and was going along pretty good but seem to have hit a wall creatively and the words just will not come the flow has gone. I started quilting to keep me busy and that also has become a dead end I just can not muster up much enthusiasm for anything.
      
   My family has suffered some losses of people that meant a lot to me my sister Debbie as I said. My Aunt Phyllis passed and I had not seen her for some time. She had moved into my parents house to live and she and my Mom and I all worked at the same plastic factory for a time. She was such a sweet giving loving person and we had a lot of fun at work goofing around but also getting the work done. She moved out and back with her family and soon began helping my grandmother who eventually became unable to do for her self and moved in with my Aunt. My Grandmother passed on and not long after my Aunt Phyllis became ill and passed. I was unable to attend either one of their funerals. My mother had gone to help take care of my Aunt when she got sick and was there when she passed. A few months latter we lost my Mom. The loss of my Mom was a big blow to my emotional state and I still have not gotten used to the fact she is gone. I have often picked up the phone to call her only to realize once again she is not there. So maybe my emotions are clogging my creative flow.

   I am thinking maybe it is my Medications I take to try and keep my intestinal problems in check. They make me feel sort of out of it and in a state of constant mellow that I think maybe is blocking my creative side. I have not been painting or creating much of anything.

   I have started scanning family photos and working to put names to faces. After my Mom passed away I inherited all her photo albums. She had started writing names on backs of photo's but was only a quarter of the way through the massive pile of pictures. I want to scan them and place them on disc so anyone who want copies can have them. This way not just one person has all of the family pictures. It is always sad when a flood occurred or god forbid a fire and all the old photo's are lost. This way there will be copies with someone at all times. I also have transferred all our old home movies to DVD and I hope they will keep better than the old reels of super 8 16mm and 8mm and VHS God I am old!  

   Some times it is hard while scanning pics as they bring back memories. The furniture we used to have being I am almost 50 was had some funky stuff over the years. The 40's and 50's furniture was not so bad and was hand me downs from family and garage sales. That 70's stuff however was colorful and bright oranges reds rust browns and Oh there was what they called shag carpet had thick long yarn look. It was all the rage then but looking back it was ugly stuff. If you ever get the chance Google 70 style furniture. The plates we ate on the things that hung on the walls the cars we had all these things in the background of the photo's hold memories and I find my mind wandering while scanning. Thinking of people places and things gone by and wondering what ever happened to this or that.

 
 Growing up I figured I would be dead way before 30 so I hurried to cram as much life in as I could. Funny I say Life but I had no clue what that even was back then. I ran from family not wanting them to drag me down (Had to live my own life my way) and just about the time I am settled and ready to accept family they all start passing on me. For those who do not know passing means death seems a less blunt word and rolls of the tong much easier. I also like using the word wake instead of funeral maybe because I heard my parents say wake. When they grew up the deceased person was kept at home until the burial the family would set up all night with the deceased to keep watch over them thus the phrase Wake.  



   Our family has suffered many blows my Father was forced by health reasons to have to move into a convalescent home many miles from our home. My Mom was forced to sell the house and move to be closer to my Dad. It was strange to drive down the driveway that last time after she sold the house knowing someone else would be living in the hose I grew up in. I went back once and the people who owned the house let me walk through it but it was strange, although the rooms were still the same they were painted different colors and had strange furnishings in them. All the memories were still there but that feeling of being home was gone.

   When I looked for a house to buy I found one a lot like our old house the floor plan is not exact but close to our old house and as soon as I walked in I knew it was the place I wanted to live. I instantly felt at home. Well those are my first ramblings of the new year 2016. May this Year bring only good things to you and yours and God bless and keep you all safe happy and healthy.        
             

    

My blood pressure is up just making an appointment with a Doctor

   What ever happened to the old Doctors seems all I get anymore is a 20 something or 30 something telling me my pain is due to my age. I swear the next Doogie Howser looking Mo-Fo that spews that shit at me is in for an old man ass whooping. I never see old Doctors any more even when at the Veterans Hospital and that place at one time seemed to be full to the rafters with old Doctors.
   Hard to find an old country Doctor that is not attached to some super HOSPITAL in some form or fashion. They have to send everything out and get 2nd 3rd and 4th opinions. When I was a kid the Doctor looked at you said it was this or that and gave you a script to fix it. Now the are attached to a computer screen and typing away as they talk to you. Hell for all I know they may be playing angry birds and just nodding their head now and then to make me feel like they are hearing me. More often than not its a Nurse who does all the work and the exam so WTH are the Doctors for just walk in look at the info spew a few words if you are lucky and walk out of the room?
    I know it upsets some people when someone says I miss the old days but this is one time I think I am in the clear saying I miss one on one with the Doctor ask questions and getting answers. Now they hand you a WWW.go F yourself.com address for you to get the answers you came to them for.  Soon I feel they will put us on conveyer belts where we pass though a scanner to get a diagnosed then clean out our wallet at the end and bill us for the rest. I am sure the bill will list 20 some Doctors that claim to have looked at our info even if it was just glancing in the direction of it BILLABLE!!! Cha Ching. 

   And WTH is with charging me if I am late or miss an appointment but it is fine for them to overbook and make me wait hours past the time I was told I had to be there or cancel my appointment with not even a call to let me know. Sorry ass hole you are not on my list and shut the glass door in your face. It feels often when trying to get an appointment like I am trying to get into fricking Studio 54 or something (sorry sir you just are not sick enough to get in) and the bouncer tosses your ass to the curb.    
God forbid you are sick and using the Veterans Hospital the call goes something like this. VA.....Hello how may the VA help you. Me... I am sick I need to see the Doctor...... VA  Long pause not can you wait a minute just silence I often wonder if they hope I will hang up I swear they have bets and giggle to each other wondering how long the dumb ass on the other end will hold in complete silence. Me................Are you still there?.........VA........Yes Sir I am checking............I can hear the huff in the voice like I am taking time away from something they would rather be doing. VA........... Silence.....................click and I am sent off to another person who asked the same questions without so much as a kiss my ass from the first person............I tell the 2nd person I am sick need to see the Doctor tell them my info sorry not my department click I am off to another person or back to the person I started with. Long story short the Appointment is next month ummm hope I live that long hope its nothing important or life threatening. To be clear you are told to go to the nearest Emergency if you feel it is life threatening but they do not tell you you will be billed for that visit and it is not covered by the VA. ANYWAY LOL not a happy camper and that is my rant for today I am usually calm about such things but when you do not feel well you do not want to be held on the phone for an hour just to make an appointment with the Doctor and tell everyone and their brother why you need to see said Doctor. Most of the time the VA is very good but at times its like they bring in temp help to man the phones. OK thats enough Dave shut the hell up now LOL  RANT OVER!

Pressure Cooker Ramblings

roll your eyes if you wish but the mood is constricting and pressure is building and all the talk talk talk and more talk of how to fix it only seems to cause another problem everyone is running in different directions hurling emotionally charged  verbal chatter at each other but no one seems to be hearing the other persons side words words and more words hurtful words the anger is building everyone wants to be heard everyone wants things done their way differences of color and religion are dividing us making many feel hate for those that do not look or believe as they do two steps forward and ten steps back genders pitted against one another to prove who is the better the stronger the smarter zooming in on others bed rooms telling who when and how one should love another person everyone wants to be heard but no one seems to be listening causes and effects power and powerless rich and poor young and old pitted against one another like gladiators battling to the death as the powers that be watch in the stands in glee thumbs up or thumbs down who is making the call?  The steam is rising the pressure is building and when it blows we stand on the side lines wringing our hands and crying out why! why! why? the world is spinning out of control global warming? global cooling? bees are dieing? things to ponder one way or the other produce produce consume consume create mounds of toxic trash and waste but do not dump it in my back yard communication towers and wires strewn about the land poring a barrage of information some true some false some real and some fabricated and those lines are become blurrier and blurrier every day burning looting destruction seems to be the answer to a question no one wanted to answer the possible last result of years of hear me! see me! I'm here I'm here I'm here you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything but do not stand to close to me with that shit drop in drop out get real get over it let it go be a man put on you big girl panties grow up do the right thing exercise your rights but not to loudly is what we are told and hey while you are at it keep your opinions to your self the pressure is building can you not hear it hissing do you not feel the heat did you not get the memo did you not see the meme running in all different directions and no one wants to be bothered as long as it is not in their own back yard your God vs my God or the lack there of like some game that no one really wins but in this game lives are at stake see it my way or die killing one another over the fact we do not see eye to eye?  poisoning our water our food our air as cancer runs ramped but hey you caused that by the way you lived your life? pump them full of pills to cure what ills inject them infect them they will blindly do as they are told with no thought of long term effects nature has what ya need but they are working hard to make that illegal I can hear the hissing I can feel the heat can you?  its a pressure cooker and I feel it is going to blow

No More I Love You's

  Where do I fit in to this whole thing called life?????????????????????????? been asking myself that question as long as I can remember but never seem to find any solid answer. It sounds like a simple enough question but I'll be damned if I have even the smallest clue.

  I wrote that a few years ago when it seemed my life was more a question than an answer. Now it is years later flash forward to a day I never thought I would ever ever in my life time have to endure. My phone rang and I happily picked it up thinking it would be a friend or family member calling to say hello. The voice on the other end was familiar but something was wrong there was a pause a stumbling of words and then like a brick wall the words came tumbling from the phone Mom's gone. OH MY GOD! was the words that came to my lips No! was the next. The call was from my sister and through her tears and stammering voice I was told the news of how when and where. After the blow of the news we consoled each other by talking for a while about growing up and how our mother had touched our lives. We talked about the good times and even the bad and as I hung up the phone it seemed like a dream and not real at all.

   I had received one other call  in my life that had hit me like this and that was the death of my sister who was fighting cancer. That call was a shock but in a small way more expected because I knew she was ill and may not make it as the cancer had attacked so vigorously and in the back of my mind I knew she may not make it. The call about my Mom was a shock, unexpected, abrupt as she seemed so full of life and healthy. I had seen her a few weeks earlier and thought to myself wow she looks really good for an old broad as she would say. She had stopped by with my sister to see me on her way back from a visit to family members something she did a lot always running here and there visiting family and friends. My father had been ill for many years and she had stayed very close to his side and not been able to travel much so I think she was trying to catch up for lost time.

  We talked that day about family history and she said we needed to get together soon and go over the who's when's and where's so the history was not lost. She also said something I just let go by like the wind but her words now ring in my head (there may not be much more time to do this).  As she left that day I gave her a hug like I always do and told her I loved her and watched as they backed down the drive tossing my hand in the air giving a wave as I went back into my house not knowing that would be the last time.

   A few weeks later my phone rang and it was my Mom, we talked for almost 2 hours and had some good conversation about this and that and we laughed something we had not done much of in a long time. Now this call was strange in that it was very hard to keep her on the phone for any length of time and for her to talk on the phone for almost two hours was just short of a miracle. I called her the next week and once again we talked for about an hour and a half and when the call was ending she said you should feel privileged its not just anyone I would talk this long with on the phone and she laughed, we said our good byes and our I love you's then I hung up the phone and went back to my day not knowing it would be the last call. Now I keep hearing the song by Annie Lennox in my head No More I Love You's.

  At this time my emotions are fresh and raw and at times it seems so unreal and at others it rings all to real. The emotional numbness is changing to realization that its not a dream and I will not wake up and shake it off. I feel deflated like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs and I find it hard to breath and yes the tears come poring now and then as the realization gets more and more defined within my brain. I may be an emotional mess but my Mom did teach me to be strong so I know I will get through this but this time I will have to do it without her mothering, that often annoying constant mothers prodding and guidance.

  Many say when someone passes I wish I had done this or said that. I do not have those feelings with my Mom because I had a relationship with her where we said what we thought to each other even if at times it angered each other. The things said were never in a manner of hurting each other it was just being truthful straight forward no sugar coating. That is not to say there were times I wished she had a bit more of a filter or tact when it came to her truthfulness but looking back at it now it is something I am glad she did with me.

   As a parent I think you learn that your children are not carbon copies of you or each other and each has their own personality feelings and behaviors. I think in many ways I am a lot like my Mom and in others we were worlds apart. Many of my good attributes came from her and yes there are those that some may see as not so good. She and I had our times when we butted heads and that stubbornness would kick in and neither would budge an inch but over time we would work it out and come to a point we agreed to disagree. She taught me to use my humor to get through rough times but also that there is a time to cry and a time to laugh. Her and I would be the ones at a funeral cracking jokes and making people laugh. Some would see that as inappropriate but as she would say I think so and so or the deceased would want us to celebrate their life and not morn with our head held low. I found that hard to do at her memorial because my wing man or my co instigator was not there by my side.

  I could go on and on and tell you many stories of my Mom good and bad and there will be many more blog entries about her I am sure.  But at this time all I know is her physical being is gone but I know within me she lives on and also with my sisters and their children.

  So back to the statement I started this post with (where do I fit in to this thing called life)? I think the best description I can give is one a friend Dian left on my Facebook page about being a thread in a tapestry. My take on it is I am but one thread in a large tapestry called life and I am here so the next thread has something to cling to so the tapestry will take shape and not just fall apart in a pile of threads alone. My Mom was my brightly colored thread that I clung to and although she is gone and in time the colors may fade the thread is still there holding tight giving support to the next row of threads. I only hope I can be as strong of a thread and give support to the threads that come after me.

Nature Seems To Come To Me

   I sat in silence today in a folding lawn chair no sounds other than the leaves that had fallen from the trees and were being swept here and there and gathering in clumps in the yard and along the fence lines. I was sitting there thinking to myself many thoughts of nothing really just random blips of this and that all jumbled up together in my mind. I was relaxed and for the most part in my own little world. The farm fields have all been harvested around me leaving behind open fields and other than a corn stalk here and there that had been missed by the machines the fields look so bare. The trees around here have just about dropped all their leaves and look like nude soldiers standing guard at the edges of the fields. It is not warm out today but it is not cold it is just right the temp hovering around 45. I look up at the sky and the grey and white puffs of clouds cover as far as the eye can see just small spots were the sun shines through in streams of light reaching down to the ground. In my own little world I do not notice what is going on to the right of me I am focused on the sky and lost in thought.

   I am brought abruptly from my little world with the sound of something scampering through the leaves. I turn and watch three squirrels darting back and forth chasing each other up a tree and down again. I watch as they jump from branch to branch like little trapeze artists. I find it amazing how they can move so fast. I watch them for some time as they hunt for acorns and fight each other over them. I am not sure how long I had sat there and I had even dozed off for a bit it was just so relaxing and calm. My cat nap was interrupted by a snorting sound coming from behind a large tree that borders the south side of my yard. I turn my head to see five dear slowly working their way along the property line. I had just a few days earlier dumped a large bag of apples in that area for them to eat. I check each day to see if they had found them but everyday there they lay in the same spot I had placed them. This was a strange time of day for them to be moving around and I was surprised to see them.

   They had found the apple pile and were munching away as I watched being very still as not to spook them. As I sat there one of the deer became curious of me and started to inch its way closer and closer to me.  In the summer they would often hang along the property line and watch me as I did my gardening and my movements etc seem to not bother them. I had assumed they had gotten so used to me being in the yard that they had determined I was no threat. It is not uncommon for them to be as close as eight feet or so to me while I am in the yard. This one deer seemed very interested in me and kept inching closer and closer  until it was about two feet from me. I was thinking how cool it was and tried not to move just as it was inching a bit closer a car went by with a loud muffler and sent them all darting and running in a panic. In no time all I could see of them was their white tails bobbing behind them as the ran into the woods at the edge of one of the fields. I sat there in awe and wondered to my self  just how close that deer would have come if not for that damn loud car going down the road. 

   I must not have a threatening vibe it seems animals sense something in me and are not afraid of me. About 10 years ago I lived in a trailer park and would sit in the small back yard and watch the birds and squirrels. I started feeding them peanuts and had them so used to me that they would take them out of my hand. There was one I called Buddha Mamma because she would eat and eat until her belly stuck out then climb up the tree and sun her self on a branch. One day I was feeding them and a cat was in the yard so they all ran up the tree. The cat was batting and pouncing on something in the grass so I walked over to see what it was the cat took off and left what ever it was laying there in the grass. At first I thought it was a mouse but when I got closer I could see it was a chipmunk. It ran over and perched itself on my shoe and and looked up at me as if to say thank you. It stayed on my shoe even as I started to walk. It at last leaped off and scurried away. With the cat gone I started feeding the squirrels again. I felt a twinge on my right legs and I thought it was a muscle spasm but as I reach to rub the spot I felt something furry on my hand and it startled me. When I looked down it was the chipmunk I could tell because it had a distinct marking on its head. I must have startled it as it had me it let out a chip and took off.

   Not to long after I caught a glimpse of the chipmunk popping its head in and out of the grass. It was picking up the peanuts I had tossed out for the squirrels. It did not take long until this little chipmunk had me under its spell and I could not sit outside without peanuts or she would chirp at me until I went in and git some for her. She moved in under my trailer and each morning would sit under the area where my bed was and chirp until I got up and got her some peanuts. She lived under there for a few years and would climb all over me and often fall asleep on my shoulder when I was outside in the lawn chair.

   After a few years living with my little peanut hoarder I found a house and was moving. When I removed the skirting from the base of the trailer I found mounds and mounds of peanut shells. She had shells stashed in the cinder blocks and the ground underneath was covered with them. I hated to leave her but knew if I trapped her and took her with me she may not like the new place or be harmed not knowing the dangers of the new area. The last day when I pulled the trailer out of the park she sat on a stump and chirped at me as I pulled away. People who did not believe me about my pet chipmunk I would just put in the movie I have of her climbing on me and collecting peanuts, they then become believers.                    

Hints on Family History

   So my last post I talked about researching family history. I am still at it and have made some great finds. By joining some of the many Facebook pages that have groups of people related to or from the areas that my ancestors came from I have been able to see photo's of faces and get info I may have never found on my own. I had joined a few of the pay for sights years back and although it was helpful I found many of the people on those sights to be very stingy with their research.I can understand some of their feelings as many people who did research for profit were accessing their info and then selling it. I have found the Facebook pages to be much more like a family sharing our ancestors and their info. I have also found that I get stories about the people from those that knew them or have a parent uncle aunt etc who knew them. I find I am getting a much better look at who these people were from these groups than I ever did with the pay sights.

   Find A Grave is a new free sight that has tons of info.photos,obits and locations of burial paces. Also on this sight there are links to others like wife,parents, and children. It is a great sight to check out if you have not heard of it before. The sight covers graves all over the map Europe,USA etc and i was able to find some graves in England I would have maybe never found else where.

   I have also had luck with a new trend called found photos that have many sights and blogs popping up. These blogs and sights are where people load up pictures they have found in the trash, garage sales,flea markets etc. Some of the photos have info written on the backs others have no clue as to who the people are or where they where taken. They post the photos in hope a family member will see them and be able to put a name to the face. I found two ancestors by scrolling through these sights one photo at a time,

   I have also found that if I have a name and a birth date etc I have had luck when entering that info into google and was surprised the info that would come up on said person. I have also lucked out with google finding photos of people by just entering their names in and looking around at what comes up in the search area.

   Never underestimate the hord of pics etc that Mom Grandma Uncles Aunts have stashed away. If you ask they may share and often you can find a wealth of info hidden away in a box. Also never forget to ask the older people in the family to tell stories about the ones they knew often they will give you a hint that can unlock info for the past.

  Many people do not understand my need to know who I came from and I find it hard to put into words to those that do not have the same addiction to delving into the past that I do.I am sure they have hobbies or things they like that I just can not fathom why so I tell them the same way I tell people bungee jumping you have to try it before you knock it.

      

Wow 1984 Was That Many Years Ago?

   A few months ago I received a notice on my Face Book page that my 30 year High School reunion was going to be on July 25th. It was to be split into three different venues one on the 25th was a BBQ at one of our classmates houses the second was on the 26th and more formal and took place at a rented banquet type place. The third and last was a coffee clutch in the Town we grew up in at the Court House lawn. My first thought when seeing the notice was wow has it really been that long? so many years and it feels as if I walked out of that High School for the last time just yesterday.

   I was not sure if I wanted to go at first but found that many of my good friends were going to be there so I fired off my check and my RSVP for the BBQ not the formal I have in the past few years developed a sort of claustrophobia in large groups inside buildings. If I am in a store like Wall Mart and too many people are in the same isle I have to get the hell out I feel closed in. Not sure what that is about and could be some effect from medications or maybe I am just a bit cracked either way I just do not do well in those types of situations. I planed also to attend the coffee on the 27th because that was also an outside in the open venue and I could deal with that.

   This would be my first time attending the reunion because I was in the Army for the 5 year and was on the missing list for the 10th. I was living in Pittsburgh Pa for the 15th broke and going to school I could not afford to make the trip home. I was back in Michigan and living in a town nearby but I was not able to get time off from work for the 20 year and then was battling cancer for the 25th. I had been lucky enough to reconnect with many of my classmates via my Face Book page and could share in their lives on the keyboard but had not seen many since the day we tossed our caps into the air. Once I got on Facebook and reconnected I found many lived still in and around the town we Graduated from and I found it funny that we shopped worked played etc in the same town yet never ran into one another.  Over the years after we graduated I would see a few people now and then but I had lost touch with so many people that were very important to me back then and I always wondered how they were doing etc.

   Once I reconnected on Face Book I found it strange that they had kids and grandchildren I mean I know we are all older but in my mind they were still those 18 and 19 year old kids from the graduating class of 1984. I had known many of them since kindergarten so in many ways they were like an extension of my family some I felt so close with I called them my brother from another mother and my sister from another mister well that was not a phrase back then but you get my meaning I hope.  Many I only knew their Mothers name as Mom and that is what I called them also and they called my Mother Mom. In our Town everyone knew everyone in some form or fashion through church, sports, school, work etc. Someone always knew someone who knew someone who knew someone so it was not easy to get away with much growing up unless you were very careful of who saw you in town. I once was walking in town skipping school and smoking a cigarette before I got home my Mom had been informed probably by someone in a car passing by and mind you this was before everyone had a cell phone.    

   When I graduated all I wanted to do was wash the dust of our town off of me and I had it in my mind once I got away I would never want to come back. It was not that our town was a bad place its just I wanted to see the world and become something and felt my small town would only hold me back from my dreams.  I find it so very funny how I saw things when I was younger compared to now.

    Well back to the reunion. As the day got closer I felt a mixture of excitement and a bit nervous about going, almost like that first day of school each year when you have been away from most of your classmates for a whole summer. The difference this time is I had been away from them for many summers and winters so much had happened and changed in my life and theirs. I wanted to attend but every thing I do in my life now depends on my health and if I will feel well enough or not is always a toss up. It always seems when I make plans to do something I get sick and have to miss out on what ever it is. So I made sure I got lots of rest and watched what I ate etc so I would be up for going. I am not able to eat while away from the house and have to eat at least five hours before I plan on going anywhere so I make sure I use the rest room before I leave. Long car rides are hell so I rarely venture far from home. So the day of the BBQ on the 25th that started at 5 I ate breakfast that morning and nothing else the rest of the day so I would not have any problems while catching up with old friends.

   As the day got closer so many memories rushed into my mind of times we had had places we had gone teachers,janitors,pep rallies,sports, tests, music,clothing,bus rides my mind was reeling. I would bust out laughing at some memories that popped into my head and the people around me would look at me like I had lost it. I tried to explain what I was laughing about but most of those times was a you had to of been there type thing so it was lost in translation for them. It would be so great to be back with those that had been there and understood me in a way no one else could. 

   I got myself ready and loaded my car with things I wanted to give friends and some vegetables from my garden also the items that I was asked to bring for the BBQ. And soon I was off still feeling a bit nervous not sure why just the unknown I guess for some reason I work things up in my mind and often its the worst scenario. But I was also excited to be able to see people face to face and catch up. I got there early and hauled all the goods I had brought with me up to the spot were a tent had been set up with tables and chairs. I was met by my classmates wife and gave her a hug and chit chatted for a bit. My classmate and his family were gracious enough to have the gathering at their house and for some reason I had flash backs of some wild parties I had been at back in our school days not that I thought this would be that wild but the thought did enter my mind none the less.

   The party was a lot of fun and it seemed time went by so fast. I wanted to have more time to talk and catch up but its hard to cram 30 years into a few hours when you have 60 or so people talking all at once. I was able to catch up with a few people but as I say I wish I had more time. It got late and too soon it came time to leave so I said my goodbyes and piled back into my vehicle to drive home. As I drove home I laughed to myself at myself for thinking the night could or would be anything other than a fun night.They had a banquet night planned for the next day but I was not going to be able to attend that. Over the years I have become very uncomfortable in large crowds more so in inclosed areas. I seem to be fine outdoors but if inside I feel claustrophobic. So needless to say I did not attend the second party. 

   I am glad I went and look forward to the next one. Sadly we have lost a few people over the years and it was hard not to see their faces there and I pray I see all the ones from this year return and hopefully more will be able to make it to the next one.  I do not care what anyone says I know the CLASS OF 1984 ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

Getting Back to My Friends

   I recently had a chance to visit with some friends that I had not seen since we graduated from High School. Even though so many years had past it felt as if we just picked up were we left off or as if we had seen each other a few days ago. It was great to talk to people who knew what I was talking about and shared many of my memories of the past. I never really thought about it back then but my friends were and are a part of my family even though we may not share blood we share memories of what at the time felt like the most difficult time in our lives. We grew up together maybe not always as close as we would have liked but they were the faces I saw everyday in the halls and in the classes I attended. Back when I was in school our town was small and everyone seemed to know everyone else in some way or another. We came from different backgrounds and social standings but none of that seemed to matter or at least it did not to me. I was the type person if I liked someone I liked them not for what they wore or what their social standing was and once I made a friend they stayed always in my mind a friend. I may have gotten angry with them at times and we may have fought but I still felt they were a friend. As we moved from grade to grade I would make new friends but I never forgot  those friends I had made before.

   We started out in Kindergarten and depending on the area you lived decided on what grade school you would attended. We had about 5 grade schools at that time with two Kindergarten classes in each  and we would for the most part attend those schools until 4th grade unless someone moved to a different location or moved away the school you went to would be the group of people you spent the next four years with growing and learning. After those four years came to an end we would move on to Middle school which our town had two and once again depending on were you lived would depend on were you would attend school. The one school had been built many years ago and at once housed the High School students and was later turned into a middle school after a new high school had been built. This would be the school I would attended and it was a very old three story brick building that was in for the most part neglected and in need of repair. It had plaster walls and lots of real wood doors and wood molding and the wood floors would creaked when you walked on them lets just say there was dark stained wood everywhere framing the doors the windows etc. We did not have air conditioning a slight breeze was seldom on hot days given by an open window. The other Middle school was newer and more up to date and modern and had air conditioning. After three years in that Middle we all moved to the newer school for one year. In that move we were combined together with the people from that school and we would spend the next five years together. Twelve years of my life spent of people coming and going friendships built and as I said before they were like my extended family. There are points about those days I miss but there are also many that I could have done without.     

   Later in my life I seem to do most of my communication either in my blog, by phone or through other social media on the computer so I seldom get the chance to talk to people face to face theses days. It was nice to catch up and actually talk but I fear I in not talking for so long monopolized the conversation something I have a habit of doing. I tend to start talking and then can not shut up. I have found and reconnected with many people on Facebook and enjoy being included in their lives. Seeing their children their homes pets etc. I think once I left high school it was like I lost a large part of my family and it is so nice to reconnect with them.

   I have heard some say they feel as though some people on Facebook brag about how well they are doing. Hmmm maybe some do but I have to say I am proud of my friends and my family for the things they have accomplished and  enjoy hearing about the car they bought or the trip they took or their new Grandchild. I do not see it as bragging I see it as me sharing in their good fortune like I have said many times before I think differently than most I guess. While I was going through my cancer treatments those stories and sharing was my only contact with the outside world. Like many other things in my life I became addicted to Facebook and would wake in the morning and check to see what was going on. I am trying to cut back on my Facebook time and have started slowly doing so but still feel withdrawal now and then.

   I like to know how and what makes people tick such as what is their high points and what they would consider their lows. Most people share more about their highs for fear people will think they are winning in some way if they discuss the bad things in life. Hell I know I have days I feel like shit and am grateful to be able to post it and get feed back, love,prayers etc. I am less and less private with my life as I age I think because I become less and less fearful of what people think. I know when I first was dealing with my cancer I was not going to let anyone know about it. I am so glad I wised up and shared this with my extended family because without them and their support I am not sure I would have gotten through those real rough days. And I will or can not forget the input on how to deal with all the things that come up while going through the proses of chemo and radiation. Helpful hints from others who had been through it or were dealing with it at the time. And by sharing I found out about a support group that I would otherwise not have known about.

   I went through a few years after I left High School thinking I would just leave that life in my past or that I did not need those people anymore. When I first got online back well more years than I care to admit I started spending a lot of time in chat rooms and those people, people I did not even know became my go to persons to talk to. Those were some of the loneliest years I have ever spent in my life. I had stop drinking and drugging so I had cut ties with friends because they were still doing those things and I could not handle being around it. So I worked came home and sat at my computer talking to people who probably were not what or who they said they were but I for some reason put my trust in them and considered them my friends.  That went on for about three years until I moved up north living in the sticks and had no internet. It was hard at first but I soon replaced that time I would spend online with walks with my dogs and talking with neighbors.

   I lived there for about two years and loved it but there was no work and I was forced to move back down and moved a few towns over from were I had grown up. I had been away long enough that I had lost contact with just about all my old friends and they had gone on with their lives moved to other states etc. I just figured it was how life is, people come and go, and you deal with it.

   Back to my story of seeing friends. I guess I did not realize just how much I had missed those people and how much they had meant to me. Just seeing them again made me smile and feel better than I had in a long time. I felt comfortable with them and free to be myself  and say what ever the hell I wanted. It was great that they remembered the same things I did and talking with them sparked memories I had forgotten about. Looking back at those High School days I truthfully can say it was not all sunshine and roses but I did get to know some great people and am glad to have them back in my life.  

Blank Canvas

  I often wonder why when I see a blank white sheet of paper or a blank canvas I feel the urge to write on it or paint it. What is this need inside me to express some sort of emotion or feeling and then to have others see it? Am I looking for attention? am I missing something in my personality? is it the only way I know how to reach out to others? Or am I just a stones throw away from needing to be placed in a rubber room? I look back on some of my paintings and think WOW! was I really at that place in my mind? or I read over old writings and think how the hell did I make it out alive or ever get through that time of my life? I would like to think I did it on my own, just all me, no help from anyone or anything. I know looking back this is not true because I had help along the way, someone always seemed to be looking out for me. Not everyone sees it this way but for me God or my faith that there is something greater than me has kept me going. I am not sure of much but I am sure something has been guiding me and helping me along my path.


   If it is true God is everywhere and in all things then those people who were there for me were in a sense God. I often when looking back forget those people who were there when I fell, those that extended a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. Why do I do that? why do I feel like the only way to feel I accomplished anything is if I did it all on my own? or that it makes me somehow weak to admit I had help along the way. I am a person who as they say wears his heart on his sleeve and care deeply for those people I let into my life. But for some unknown reason to me I have a hard time letting those people know just how much they have shaped my life and helped me.

   I wonder if this stems from my upbringing and of my Fathers constant push that I should never show weakness or never let the other guy think you need help in anyway. My Dad had a rough way to go growing up and somewhere along the line he made up his mind he would never show any weakness to anyone. I saw my Father cry only two times in my life, once was when his Father passed away the second time was when my sister passed away. Both of those times I could see although he was crying he was also angered by the fact he was letting his emotions show. Funny I am so different from him in that I am very emotional and have no problem crying or having anyone see me doing so. I never saw it as a weakness but I also never or tried to never let my father see me cry. I think of myself as a child starting out as a blank canvas and the people I have met along the way have helped to color me or paint who I am.  

   Both my parents came from large families and although they may have not wanted for much they were by no means rich. They knew what it was to not have things and wear hand me downs or second hand clothing. They wanted more for their kids and worked hard to try and make their kids life's better. I would hear my Mom talk about growing up and you could see in her eyes the love she had for her Mom and Dad and even when she talked about the hard times she did so with a gleam in  her eye, almost laughingly. My Dad did not speak of his growing up much but when he did he mostly talked about his Dad. His Mother left when he was very young just walked out one day, and I think that did damage to him that effected him the rest of his life. I tell all this just to show I understand why my parents did the things they did and why they brought me up the way they did and that I am not bashing them in anyway.

   Both my parents had an attitude that you should not ask for help and that if you were going to make it in this world you were going to do so on your own. Call it pride or what ever but to me they seemed to have this need to try and do everything with out help. Although they had help along the way very seldom did I hear them admit to that fact. I am not sure if it was something they were taught or because of being what some would call poor they just felt ashamed to ask or let anyone know they needed help. OK! I am rambling I know but I guess I am just trying to make sense of my need to do it on my own.

   While I was in treatment for drug addiction one of the counselors gave me a piece of paper and written on it was a problem or situation that I had to give an answer as to how I would deal with it. The situation was as follows........You are in a store and you are buying a 70 pound bag of potatoes there are no carts in the store so you must carry them on your back.  When you reach the check out the lines are long and not moving very fast the sack starts to become very heavy. What do you do? I said I would set it down and pick it back up when the line started moving. The counselor said you can not sit it down and you have to have them so you can not just put them back and leave. Every answer I gave he said was wrong and I started to get pissed off and the fact he asked me this question on a day my family was there made it even worse. I ended up getting so pissed off I walked out on the session and was saying under my breath some real nasty things about the counselor.

   I would stay pissed until the next day when he asked me the same question again. I told him there was no answer, and this made him smile which pissed me off even more. I got so mad I yelled at him (WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME THE BLANKING BLANK BLANK ANSWER!)? Get this answer he gave me............are ya ready for it............ the answer was to ask for someone to help you. Well that just pissed me off even more and made me feel stupid but I could not understand why it pissed me off so much. It would be days before I would have any break through or understanding and see that I was so pissed off because I was unaccustomed to asking for help or accepting help for that mater. I would see that I was in fact carrying around all my emotions like a sack of potatoes and afraid to ask for help in any shape or form. I may have started out with one potato/emotion but over time the sack got full and started crushing me under its weight. I know to some that little story will have no meaning but for me it was a bit of a wake up call . I would have to learn to express my feelings and share them some how and ask for help when I needed it or they would build and build until I would be crushed under the load. And the fact I was no longer able to run to a bottle of booze or pop a pill to deal with them like I had in the past made it a difficult change to make. I had become so used to using substances like pills and booze it became the only way I knew how to deal with life. And God forbid I ask for help or showed I was not superman able to do it all with no help.           

   So have I gotten better at asking for help you may ask? to that question I would answer  somewhat but I still try to do it on my own because I am stubborn and find old habits hard to break even when I know they are doing me harm. So when I see a fresh piece of paper I want to write on it or a blank canvas I want to paint on it I guess its just my way of emptying the potato/emotions to lessen the load. So if you have been there for me in the past and I did not say thank you it was not because I did not appreciate it it is that I did not know how to say thank you or that I was too ashamed that I needed your help at all. As I read over this I am thinking maybe the rubber room is the best answer after all. 8-)         

Facades

   So many of us wear false facades. We fear letting others see our true selves so we go through life putting out an image we think others will be comfortable with. I started thinking about this as I sat in a coffee shop a while back watching a group of workman taking a false facade down from a building across the road. The building had been covered with large pieces of metal shaped in large squares and covered with a grey ceramic coating giving a look of sterility or modern office building look. As each piece of metal came off it reviled another section of the brick that was hidden underneath. As I watched the ugly flat surface disappear and the beautiful brick revealed from underneath I wondered who's bright idea it was to cover up all that beautiful brick work? It was so very stylish and ornate not like the box buildings they build nowadays it had character and style and was unique from the other buildings. You could see the brick masons had taken pride in their work and in many ways it was a form of art. The old windows had once been arched at the top and outlined in ornate brick work. You could see that the arched windows had been modified over the years and the arches had been covered over with plywood probably for cost reasons when replacing the windows. The doorway had been moved from the center of the opening to one side  and once had been inset about a foot or so from the sidewalk now was flush with the front of the building. As each piece of the sterile looking facade came down you could see the many changes the building had gone through over the years, each change taking away from the original vision of the building.  

   This made me think of how I have gone through so many changes and built up facades and torn them down over the years. So many of us cover up our true selves hiding behind facades and often not knowing we are even doing so. I remember a time when I was younger running and playing back when I did not care what people thought of me, a time when I was free to say and be what I wanted. A time my dreams had no limits in my mind I could fly if I wanted it bad enough. I wonder why or when I lost that ability to just be me, when did I conform and start wanting to emulate others instead of being an original?

   There have been times over the years I did not like the person I had become or the person I was trying to be because I thought its what people wanted of me.  I am finding as I get older I am returning to that way of thinking, getting back to that not caring what people think about me and getting back to being me. Funny there was a long period of time I was not sure who me was and also a fear of letting people see even a glimpse of the real me for fear they may not like what they saw.   

   All that time wasted putting up facades, time I could have spent just being who I wanted to be. I guess I can chalk it up to learning experiences like trying on clothing to see what pair of pants fits best or what style you look best in. I have become comfortable with who I am or lets say I am on my way to that point. I guess you would call it casual, yep that's my personality just laid back like jeans and a T shirt sandals and white socks or an old comfortable pair of sweat pants no frills,bells or whistles just me not giving a shit what people think.  You may see me on that sight people of Wall mart  looking like I just rolled out of bed and ran to the store and I admit there was a time that would have bothered me but alas I just do not care so sing it with me........ it's my life... and its now or never...... I ain't gonna live forever........I just wanna live while I'm alive. 


                                            ITS MY LIFE! 

Digging In The Past

   A few years back I started getting into family history or genealogy and digging around to find out where and who I came from. It was fun at first and I was able to beg and borrow some great info and Photos from older family members. Some times it was easy and other times very hard as many people felt I was messing around in areas that were better left in the past. When I first started in this little hobby I had dial up internet service so I would have to borrow pictures and paper work to scan the items at home and then return it to its owner at a later time. Many people do not like parting with items for fear they will never get them back so often it was very hard to convince someone to loan you precious bits of the families past. I found by my raiding family photo albums and boxes of old papers I found information that I could never find on the internet. It was like a hunter hunting for prey or shopping tell ya drop type feeling. It quickly became an addiction as many things do with me and in no time it was all I could think about I would spend hours on line scrolling through file after file and picture after picture searching for bits and pieces trying to make each person from the past whole again. With dark circles under my eyes and a numbness in my ass I had to take a break from my hobby because I had let it consume me and become not a hobby but an addiction.

   It has been about ten years or more since I put all my family info I had gathered into a large plastic bin and stashed it away in my basement and there I forgot about it for a time. The past few years I have lost some people who were and still are very special to me and the loss of those loved ones made me remember that plastic bin hidden away in the basement. Thinking of those I had lost I decided to dig that bin out of storage and opened it up with the notion of just adding the obituary info and photos of the latest family losses. As I opened the lid and thumbed through the piles of info the memories of people from the past flooded back. Memories of my Grandfather and the couple of years he lived with us and all the things he taught me. My Grandmother and how she would cry when it came time for us to leave after a visit. The houses people had lived in the cars they drove the holidays we had all spent together and Oh! so much more.  I had dug that plastic bin out only to add a few bits of info mind you but sitting here two weeks after I opened the lid I find myself with stacks of info spread around me and I am once again consumed with trying to catalog all this info so that the people from the past will not be forgotten and the people from the future will be able to make some since out of what I have gathered.

   I only wish the people from the past would have made little notes on photos as to who where and when the photo was taken. I guess if they had made it to easy for us who like to dig in the past it would somehow not be as much fun but sometimes it can be frustrating. I do know that it is like no other type of high when you at last are able to place a person in the family tree with info to back it up to anyone who wants to dispute the fact they belong there.

   I do have to say it has become so much easier now than when I first started or those who started before me for that matter. Those that started before me would have to physically go to the court house or grave yard to retrieve info. I am very lucky to be able now to access info just by entering the right phrase into my internet search. Pictures are downloaded and obits are there for the taking if you know where to look. My Aunt Letha my dads sister started the Thomas family Genealogy many years ago, back when she had to do leg work and use snail mail to get the info. She compiled a huge amount of info that she left to a cousin of mine leaving her with the daunting task of sorting through boxes and boxes of info putting it into a blog she started so she could share it with the whole family. She has done so much work loading photos and such to the blog and it is wonderful to see faces of people I have never met and those I have bringing them back to my thoughts. Many of those old yellowing cracked photos I would swear were me or other family members who came way after those people in the photos were long gone. The resemblances can often be scary in a way like looking at your reflection in a mirror but 20 years before you were born.

   Dead ends can be hard to deal with. A dead end is when you have a family member that you can not find any info, such as their parents or where they came from or how they got here. I have a few dead ends that haunt me as I dig and dig to find just a thread of info on their past and come up with diddly squat. Some lines of my history have been widely research by others making those groups of people easy to put in the family tree, but there are some branches that seem to be or have big secretive pasts like they were beamed down from outer space and just appeared one day and started a family. With people so adamant to come to the new world some stowed away on ships or lied about who they were. Many did not speak English or could even write  their own name so they had to tell someone their name and that person wrote it down. Many mistakes were made and many families names were changed or altered because of this fact. Framer is a name in my family tree that has been butchered many times over the years. The Framer line of my family came from Germany and with broken English I guess it must have sounded strange to those who did not speak German. In my research I have found it spelled Foramer Fromer Frymer Frimer etc.  It can make it hard when digging in old manifests and files to be sure it is the person I am looking for. Often one small clue like another family member listed with them helps to prove it is the person and I am on the right track.

   In digging and finding out how those brave people from my past came to this country often with only the clothes on their backs  just astounds me and the many reasons that brought them here. Some came to gain fortune some came to escape governmental tyrants politics,religion, even to escape prison terms each had their own reasons and motivations for making the trip. Some came as indentured servants serving 10 years or more basically as slaves to the person who paid for their passage on a ship. Not all came first class and many came with nothing more than a dream of some sort. I know what a hassle it was for me to move from state to state  or from place to place but my moves although problematic were nothing like what they dealt with and many were not spring chickens when they did so. I have found members of the family in their 70's and 80's making the trip. I think about the women pregnant and having children in the bowls of ships with the cargo. How unsanitary it must have been or them having to deal with that time of the month. Having to be often packed in like animals with little to eat of drink. Many died on the trip over and never made it to their destination. Those brave people traveling many days to get here and not knowing what to expect or what would meet them at the shore. 

   I find a great deal of pride knowing I came from such people who had a dream of something bigger and were willing to suffer the hardships to achieve that dream. They came form all over the map and their blood runs through my veins. I am German I am Scottish I am Nordic I am English I am Jewish I am Italian I am a melting pot of people from many lands and I want to know as much about them as I can. I am trying to not let this little hobby become an addiction again as it was, am I able to do that you may ask? all I can say to that is time will tell, time will tell.  
  

Need To Get Back To Teaching and Not Passing The Buck

   I have noticed a lot of people complaining as of late about the abundance of miss spelled words on social media and the lack of punctuation. I am guilty of this myself not the complaining but the fact I often misspell words and rarely use punctuation. I have learned to use spell check and rely on it often in my writing. I do not think this problem is a new one I think it is just noticed more now with communication being mostly in type and not spoken word. 

   I have my own opinions on why this is becoming more and more common and as I always do I am going to spew out my thoughts on this epidemic as I have seen it called . The first part of this problem I feel has been caused by quotas and the need for schools to show a certain body count each year at graduation to keep founding money coming in. The government funding is very important to each school no matter how big or how small and if one dollar of funding money is lost it could mean cutting back on school programs for the next year.  So many students are shuffled along and promoted from one grade to the next even if they are not prepared or have learned the basics to do so. I am a product of this quota system as I never grasped mathematics but with a D in a class I would be promoted to the next grade. In many instances I should have been given an F and held back until I was able to grasp or learn but to fill the body count or quotas I was passed. I feel this does a disservice to the student and does not prepare them for the world they will enter once they graduate. 

   I also think the money given to run schools is often misused and squandered on programs that are not as important. The need for these small towns to build a new school every ten years or so baffles me. There once was a time the school and the church and town hall were all in one building. Those days are a thing of the past and I understand there is growth in towns and villages and the need for more class rooms and space is needed but what is the problem with expanding the building or updating what is already there?  Do we really need to spend money on a new school and not just a school but they have to be an expensive Frank Lloyd Wright style building? My small town has grown since I was a child and many of the schools I attended have been torn down and new ones built. Some of the schools were closed and sat empty for many years while they built new ones. My small town built a new High School before I graduated in 1980 and I attended that school after one year in the Old High School. The Old High School was deemed to small for the growth of the town but instead of expanding on the existing school building they built a new one. A few years ago I see that they have built yet another new school to house the students and within a few years after it was built it was deemed to expensive to run and the students were moved back to the old High School. Money wasted as far as I can see.

   My point in all that babble is that why is the money not spent to teach the children properly and assure they are ready to go out into the world with the proper knowledge? Having an impressive stylish building seems more important than teaching the children from what I see.

   Overloaded classrooms is the next problem I see. A teacher has 30 or 40 kids in a class and no matter how outstanding a teacher they are they do not have enough time in one day to give special assistance to each child, so many of the students fall through the cracks and are allowed to do the minimum and past to the next grade.  

   The new technology has not helped the problem with the new phones and texting being the main way to communicate. Texting has caused people to use abbreviations like cuz for because 4eva for for ever. It is a form of short hand but I feel by using this to communicate will and has caused spelling problems. I can only speak for myself but I know my spelling has improved by actually spelling the words out I may be completely off in my thoughts on this but as I say I can only speak for my self. I have dyslexia and that fact did not come out until I was in the military many years later that could be the reason that I never grasped mathematics and struggled so much in school to mentally hold on to information.

   The cure for this? I do not have one I have ideas as I am sure others reading this do I do feel it is only going to get worse in the future if something is not done. I feel we need to put more effort and resources into teaching our young properly and make them the priority in the education system something I am not seeing.        

The Voice Chapter One

    This was a book I started writing a few years ago but never finished this is a small part of it hope you enjoy it.

   Marching band practice had ended and a group of kids gathered setting in a circle on the curb waiting for their parents to arrive and take them home. Sarah and Chris best friends since 2nd grade were right in the middle of the group they were laughing and having a good time. On the outer edge of the group sat Patty just setting very quietly listening to the group looking so very out of place. Patty, Sarah and Chris had been very close friends about 3 years before but Patty had become very distant and had wild mood swings and seemed she wanted to be alone most of the time. Jenny and Chris noticed the change at fist but it was so gradual that soon they just accepted it as a fact, and after a while they drifted farther and farther apart until they rarely talked at all. Patty had changed so much over the last three years her appearance for one thing, she had once been very conscious of her appearance never a hair out of place and dressed very stylish. The past few years she came to school looking very disheveled drab clothing and her hair looked as if it had not been washed or combed in weeks. She shied from large groups where she once thrived at being the center of attention.

   All the other kids from band had been picked up by their parents leaving Patty sitting on the curb alone. The sky above had started to darken and a rumbling of thunder could be heard off in the distance. Patty sat alone clutching her books to her bosom and her head down staring at the ground watching some ants in a line following each other. She reached down and ran her fingers through the middle of the trail the ants were traveling changing the scent of the trail and thus confusing the ants. As she watched the ants started to bunch up and become confused with the loss of the trail scent they had been following. It seemed to mirror what was going on in her own life how she had been on a path that for some reason had been changed and thrown her into a confused state running in circles trying to get back to the path but the will or the scent was gone.  A flash of light and sound of lightning broke her out of the daze she had been in as the sky let lose with a down poor of rain. Patty sat not moving as the rain drenched her and sent a chill up her spine. She sat frozen as if she did not notice the rain at all and focused her attention on the ants.

   Patty had become so engrossed watching the ants scurrying around in the rain trying to find their way back to the original path she did not notice the car pull up in front of her. The window rolled down and a voice broke her trance, Get you ass in this car right now! the voice screamed at her. She rose slowly like an old person and as she did her books fell and scattered on the ground. As she tried to gather them before they got wet in the puddle that had formed on the ground the voice rang out again making her wince, you are so clumsy and worthless move your ass I do not have all day! Once in the car the voice kept at her about how stupid she was and the fact she was getting the seats all wet and how she was more of a bother than she was worth. Patty kept her head held low and tried to deflect the barrage of insults that spewed in her direction.

 As the voice went on and on the whole drive back to Patty's home Patty in her mind had gone to what she called her Nother World.  Her Nother World was a place she would go inside her mind when the life around her got to be too much. In the Nother World she was running in fields of clover in a pretty white dress and a slight breeze blew making her long hair trail behind her as she ran through the field twirling and spinning without a care in the world completely free of worries. The voice became only a buzzing in her head like the bees that flitted from one clump of clover to the next collecting the nectar from each flower. Just as she reach a small coral in the Nother World with a black horse she called Slate she was jolted back to reality with a hard slap across the face. The voice could be heard again invaded the Nother World and pulled her back, you stupid little bitch have you heard anything I have said to you? worthless  you are just worthless. Patty could feel the tears well up in her eyes and threaten to run down her cheek even though she fought them back one lone tear ran down her reddening cheek with the imprint of the hand that had delivered the slap. The voice came at her again belittling her making her feel so small (YOU ARE WEAK!) (POOR PATTY!) cry baby Patty.

   Once the voice was done grinding her into the ground she was told to go to her room the voice said I do not want to look at you anymore the sight of you sickens me. Patty ran up the stairs and dashed into her room and closed the door. As she closed the door behind her she placed her back against it and slid down to a seating position on the floor happy to have the thin wood door between her and the voice. Partly using her body as a barricade and feeling emotionally drained she sat there for some time. She could hear the voice yell out now and then but the thin door muffled the sound.

   Patty gathered her strength and arose from the spot she had been and walked over to the open window. She was still soaked from the rain and could feel a bit of a chill as she closed the window. Then she spotted the rain on the floor from the open window and felt an overwhelming fear come over her as she ran to get something to clean up the water that had gathered on the floor under the open window from the rain. Whew she thought good thing she caught that before the voice noticed it. As she cleaned up the last of the water she glanced out the window to see Chris and her Mother pull up in front of their house that sat directly across the street. They must have gone shopping on their way home from band practice and they had a lot of groceries she could see in the back of the mini van.  She could not hear their conversation but they were smiling and laughing as they unloaded the packages and took them into the house. Patty stood in the window and watched as  they hurriedly emptied the last of the packages from the van trying not to get wet from the rain and watched as door shut behind them leaving the neighbor hood looking as though it was abandoned. Not a soul was on the side walk nor did a car come from either direction as if the rain had washed all the human inhabitants from view. Patty stood in the window for a long time staring at the closed door of Chris's house. She remembered at one time she had been in and out of that house many times and was welcome there.

   Soon it was becoming dark and she could see lights coming on in the windows of the houses up and down the street the rain had stopped and people were moving about again some hauling the trash to the curb and there was a person going by on a bike. Patty had been staring so hard at the closed door of Chris's house she had barely noticed the people coming out of hiding from the rain.

   Patty felt a shiver come over her and she realized she was still in the rain soaked clothing as she turned from the window to find something to change into. She peeled off the wet clothes and dug in her closet digging out a sweat outfit and put it on. The sweat outfit seemed comforting and warm and for the first time in days she felt a small bit of joy and an almost safeness like a child wrapped in a warm blanket straight out of the clothing dryer. The sweat outfit was a left over from her former life when she was on the track team that life seemed like so so many years ago now. The Voice had said track was a waste of time and the Voice said there was no time to be hauling her sorry ass around to this or that so the voice told her to pick one school activity and Patty had chosen Band. She had given up Volleyball Track and a few other clubs all things she loved but at the time band seemed more important because both Chris and Sarah were in band. She had chosen band over the rest so she could spend time with her best friends. Funny how that choice would eventually cause her to lose her friendship with them both.   

   Patty could hear the footsteps of the voice coming up the stairs and she rushed around the room to tidy it up before the voice reached the top of the stairs. Patty sat on her bed and opened her school books and waited for the door of her room to open. With much relief she heard the footsteps of the Voice pass her door and go down the hallway then the sound of a slamming door. Patty waited for a while then went to the door of her room and slowly opened it and crept down the steps to the kitchen to get something to eat. The house looked as if it had not been cleaned in days piles of dishes in the sink dirty clothing piled in clumps on the floor half eaten food on plates setting all over the place. Patty trying to be as quite as possible started to clean up the mess thinking to her self why she even bothered because it would look the same the next day when she came home from school. But she cleaned just the same so as not to give the Voice another reason to attack her.

   As Patty cleaned she picked up a plate and tears welled up in her eyes as she held it in her hand. The plate was one of the few items left from her old life the one she lived just a few years ago. The plate had been part of a set her father had bought her mother for Christmas one year. The plates had happy farm scenes on them of a farmer in a field a woman taking bread from an oven etc, they were blue with a white background. Patty's Mom had kept them in a china cabinet and only used them on holidays or special occasions. The china cabinet was long gone with most of her mothers belongings discarded by the Voice. The the voice had broken most of the set one night while in a rage tipping over the china cabinet so only a few remained. Patty at one time had smuggled a few pieces up to her room and hidden them to have something of her mother to remember her by a cup and saucer and a sugar bowl that had survived the night of rage and the toppling over of the china cabinet but the voice had found them and smashed them into tiny pieces all over her bedroom floor.

   Patty gathered her thoughts wiping the tears from her eyes and returned to cleaning the house in silence trying not to make a sound. Once everything was picked up and the house looked clean once again Patty went into the kitchen to make herself something to eat. She opened the refrigerator to find it almost empty except for a few half empty wine bottles  a few beer cans and four Styrofoam boxes of half eaten molding take out. Patty closed the fridge door and went to the cabinet that housed the food the Voice allowed her to eat only to find it also empty. This was no surprise to Patty she had come to expect this sort of thing. She looked through the other cabinets to see if she could find something to eat that would not upset the Voice if she ate it. She found some old stale cookies in the cookie jar on top of the microwave and just as she started to put one in her mouth she felt a presence looming behind her and she shuddered.

   Patty felt someone grab her arm and pull it knocking the stale cookie out of her hand and making her drop the cookie jar on the tile floor breaking it into what seemed a thousand pieces. The voice started screaming about how Patty was eating too much food and how sloppy the house was. The cookie jar was now spread out in broken pieces over the floor Patty had just mopped and cleaned. The Voice got louder and was now right in Patty's ear. Look at what you have done I clean all day and you mess up my clean floor you worthless little bitch. Patty felt a hand on the back of her head forcing her down so she could view the mess she made then Patty felt the  full weight of the Voices body was on her pushing her face down on the tile floor. The Voice was smashing her face into the floor and grinding the broken cookies and the pieces of the cookie jar into the side of her face. Patty felt a red hot rage rise within herself and she pushed the voice off of her with such force the voice landed flat on its back with a thud and toppled over the small breakfast table making a load noise as it hit the floor on its side. As the table hit the floor everything that had been atop of it spewed across the floor clanging and banging as it spread out over the tile. The Voice lay there for some time but then recovered and before Patty new what was happening the Voice lunged at her grabbing a hand full of her hair and started banging her head on the tile floor.

   That red hot rage in Patty returned but this time ten fold it seemed to come from her toes and worked its way up to her head. She felt a rush of heat come to her cheeks and her eyes blurred with anger. As the Voice was slamming her head into the tile Patty reached to find something to defend her self with as the Voice was much bigger than her in size and try as she might she could not get the Voice off of her. Patty felt something cold in her hand and she swung it towards the Voice it made a slush sound and the Voice let up on its grip and let out a gurgling sound as the Voice pulled its hand away Patty could see a sizable clump of her own hair still clutched in the Voices hand much of it pulled out by the roots. The Voice tried to stand only making it to its knees and then started flailing its hands around like one of those tube men car lots use for advertising at grand openings. The Voice seemed to be trying to reach its back. The Voice turned away from Patty still on its knees and that's when Patty saw the Knife in the Voices back and the red blood soaking into its house robe. The Voice let out a gurgling sound as if it was trying to say something then fell on its back forcing the knife farther into its back as it hit the floor. Patty sat exhausted with her back against the wall her rear end on the floor and her legs sprawled out on the cold tile trying to make sense of what her eyes were seeing. She became frozen unable to even blink as the blood from the Voice started to ooze out over the off white tile floor the grout lines becoming rivers of blood running towards her bare foot slowly at first then like a flood the blood rushed across the floor getting closer to her. She found the strength to move her leg just before the large pool of blood reached her.  Everything suddenly went black and Patty felt as if she was falling down down down into a black hole.

    Patty awoke to the sound of her alarm clock beep! beep! beep! she got out of bed and hurriedly put her clothes on grabbed her school books and slowly opened her door wanting to get out of the house before the Voice woke up. She quietly went down the steps and out the front door closing it behind her and thinking how happy she was that the Voice was not up yet. Patty walked to school feeling a bit happier today for some reason she could not understand why but it was like a huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders.. The day at school was uneventful for the most part and as the last hour came around Patty felt that old familiar dread and the fact she would soon have to go home and face the Voice again.


   She went to her locker and gathered her books for homework and started the walk home. Upon turning the corner just down from her house she noticed the car was not in the driveway this was strange because the Voice never went anywhere and was usually passed out by this time or just stirring from the hang over from the night before.  Patty walked slowly bidding her time and somewhat enjoying the warmth of the sun. Soon much too soon she found herself slipping the key into the front door of the house turning the knob and opening the door thinking to her self what new hell awaits me today? It was very quite inside no TV blaring soap operas from the front room as was usual and as she went up the stairs she glanced back noticing the house was still clean from the night before. She went to her room and shut the door wondering were the Voice had gone not in a worried way but more of a relief that she did not have to deal with it.

   Patty did her home work and then tiptoed down the steps to check out why things were so quiet. There was no one to be found in the house she looked everywhere and was sort of surprised and relieved to not find anyone. It seemed a bit eery as the Voice always seemed to be there looming around every corner. The Voice is not here I can take a shower she thought to her self but I better hurry in case the Voice returns. The Voice did not allow Patty to use the shower or bathtub on the 2nd floor and she was only allowed to use the toilet on the first floor. The first floor had just a toilet and a sink so she did all her bathing with a wash cloth and washed her hair in the sink when and if she could get passed the Voice to do so more often than not she skipped bathing and hid in her room. It had been forever since she was able to shower at home or take a long soak in the bath.  

   Patty had intended to just take a quick shower but ended up filling the bathtub and climbing in to take a nice soak. She had just gotten in the bath when she heard a sound she sprang out of the tub and ran down the hall to her room. Standing in her room fear washed over her as she realized she had left the tub full of water. She stood silent for a long time frozen in one spot listening to hear if she could hear the Voice.An eery silence was all that could be heard and the tick tick tick of her clock next to her bed. Patty stood frozen for a long time listening but no movement could be heard. At last she broke from her frozen state and went back down the hall and climbed into the tub. After a nice soak she dried off and crept down the stairs to the kitchen to forage for some food. She was starving and her stomach was grumbling. She flicked on the light in the kitchen and as she did it was like a bolt of lightning struck and some strange images of the Voice laying on the floor popped into her head.

 
   Patty shook her head and rubbed her eyes she felt dizzy and braced herself in the kitchen doorway. I must be hungrier than I thought she said almost out loud looking intensely at the spot on the floor she had just seen or thought she had seen the Voice laying when she turned on the light but there was nothing there.  Patty noticed that the kitchen was spotless as she passed through the doorway she had been bracing herself in cleaner than she had seen it in a long time. She opened the fridge to find it clean all the molded food gone and in its place there was an abundance of food there was fresh fruit,sandwich meats,cheeses.milk,juice more food than she had seen in that fridge for years. She found a fresh loaf of bread near the toaster and hurriedly twisted the tie off and took out two pieces of bread. She quickly made herself a sandwich and pored a glass of milk. She then added water to the milk jug to make it look like there had been none taken then put everything back in its place so the Voice would not notice she had taken anything. She gathered the sandwich turned out the light and hurried quietly up the stares and into her room. As soon as the door was shut she ate the sandwich like a starving animal almost choking herself gulping it down. She was so very hungry but also did not want to be caught with the ill gotten goods. Patty did her homework in silence as she always did but something was different on this night there was no movement or yelling or loud TV for background noise just sweet silence.



   After she finished the last of her milk she hid the glass in a dresser drawer under some clothes thinking to her self I better not forget that or the Voice will be sure to find it. Patty then slipped into bed and in no time fell fast asleep. A sound woke her from her slumber and as she awoke she glanced at the alarm and noticed it was two in the morning. She lay there half awake listening to hear what the noise was that had awakened her. No sounds once again just the tick tick tick of the bedside clock.  Something is wrong she thought and then laughed to her self thinking not so much wrong strange maybe but not wrong. It seemed right to have quiet for a change no yelling or stumbling around noises coming from down stairs, yes it seemed so right. Patty lay back down and went back to sleep.