In the past I have always enjoyed the changing of the seasons and all the hoopla that goes with each one. I love the festivals,parades, and in the past would travel miles to experience as many of them as I could. When speaking of the season changes lets not forget the many wonderful foods that often are only served around these times of year and the different drinks like hot cider in the fall and iced tea in the summer. I have always found such joy in the season changes but for some reason the notion that Fall is here again has made me feel very depressed and try as I may I can not shake the feeling.
I have over the years become addicted to growing things in my yard flowers,shrubs, and I have even planted a few trees. I love to watch them grow and bloom and love to nurture them along, it has become a passion of mine. This year as I watched the blooms fade and the tree leaves turn their many colors and fall to the ground instead of joy I am feeling a sense of loss a dark depression that is out of character for me and not my normal persona.
I have been trying to figure out what has caused this feeling but can not come up with any solid reason. Maybe it is the fact I am getting older? maybe it is because I am not physically able to do the things I would like? I have no clue but just know this year feels like an ending more than a beginning. It is raining outside as I type this and I can hear the drops hitting the metal roof also something that always brought joy to me but feels so mournful to hear it today. It has been years since I have felt in such a funk I am usually very positive and revel in the wonders of nature and the beautiful display it puts on but not this year not at this moment just a feeling of emptiness that has invaded deep into my emotions.
After the cancer treatments I have been left with much pain in my hips and back. I have done all the physical therapy they have given and it has helped some but there are days I just can not get passed the pain it causes me. This may have much to do with my emotional state and the fact the weather effects the level of pain I experience. When it is damp or cold it is worse and maybe I am just dreading the oncoming winter months and the knowledge that the pain will only intensify. Also with the cancer treatment I have been blessed with no control when it comes to bathroom issues. I have no warning most of the time so I never stray to far from a restroom and that fact limits my activities.
Please do not think I am complaining because the alternative of not being alive would suck way worse than what I am dealing with. I see others who are much worse off than myself so I am in no way bitching about what I deal with. I am glad to still be here and just can not for the life of me figure out why this funked up feeling has come over me. I was hoping by sharing this feeling and putting it down in words would help or bring some clarity and I think just maybe it has. Here is hoping that when I wake tomorrow I will have shaken this feeling and get back to my old smart ass self. May Love and Light be with each of you and only good blessings come your way.
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