Feeling kinda lonely today and wanted to write some in my blog now cue the crickets as nothing comes to mind no wonderful words no stories nothing to complain about just sitting staring at the white screen. How is it when I lay down to sleep at night my mind will not shut off and thoughts bounce around but the moment I sit to write it goes blank?
I was asked by a friend the other day if I was happy I said yes without hesitation but after thought about that question in depth. Hmm Happy? well yes in many ways I am and others not so much but thinking that's normal?
After the battle with cancer I was on a high for years seeing life in a different way the blue sky seemed bluer the green grass greener everything seemed intensified even my emotions where heightened. I was not so good with emotions in the past and hid most of them so at first was not what I would call fun being so emotional charged. When faced with death something changed in me a sort of awakening an appreciation of the small things a calm I never felt before.
I was taught growing up men don't cry and should not be overly affectionate a hand shake not a hug. After cancer I hugged and may have made some uncomfortable with that as most people have a personal space rule a sort of invisible bubble around them they do not like others to invade unless asked into that space. I found I had become starved for affection not in a sexual way just human contact. There is just something so satisfying from a real hug that makes me feel alive and connected to others. I have toned it down because like I say many feel uncomfortable with hugs. I guess others have been told and brought up that hugs are somehow more than just a way to say hey I missed you.
I think me being home bound and using internet to be connected has in some ways made it harder for me to interact with others. I feel more uncomfortable in groups of people and find now I am finding it hard to even have one on one with others in person.
Never in my early life did I think I would get to this point as I always loved being around people. I was one of those people that had friends in every group you know the Jocks the Geeks the Freaks the Preps the Nerds or what ever they are called today. I liked people for who they were not what they were or who they hung with.
In my days of military service I was always surrounded by others pretty much 24/7 for 7 years and got very comfortable and used to that. When I got out it took a long time to get used to having any alone time. Those 7 years in service I always had someone around to talk to or party with so never had much time to feel alone. It was like a different world being out and found myself getting very depressed and feeling as if I did not fit in to the world around me. The things I had known when I went in had changed the people gone on with life and were not the same as when I left. If you live in a town you do not notice the changes as much as when you move away and come back. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.
I thought about reenlisting often and wishing I had never gotten out. I received a letter from the government letting me know with the oncoming war I may be called back and in many ways was hoping they would. I was never called back and just marked it up to the old saying things happen for a reason.
So I still feel a hug is much better than a hand shake but understand its not cool with everyone so if we meet on the street and you see me coming and dont want that hug put that hand out as a block I will understand and suppress my hug urges. But you will be missing out cuz I give good hug.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Darkness meets Light
It was my favorite little bar that I would go after work to sit watch the TV and have a few drinks to unwind. I had been going there for about a year and knew many of the others there by name. The bar tender would greet me when I walked in and knew just what I would be drinking a rum and coke no fricking lime. I did not talk much while there just sat and drank my drinks and let the world and all my troubles melt away all the shit from work the bills etc felt good not to have to think.
It was a Saturday as I sat working on my 3rd rum and coke the first time we locked eyes from across the bar I smiled then went back to my own little world. Soon I found myself looking over again to see if they were still there. Once again locked eyes and smiled. I finished my 4th drink and payed my bill and left. I found myself thinking back to those blue eyes and as I walked home I smiled to myself.
Each day after work I found myself once again sitting at my usual spot drinking my drink and when I would looked up there were those blue eyes looking back at me. For weeks this game of looking smiling then acting as if we had no interest in talking. Yes this went on for weeks then the bar tender watching this cat and mouse game decided it was time to push us together and made the introductions this is so and so and this is so and so. We would sit that day and talk for hours about life our pasts our dreams it was electric even though we did not see eye to eye on things we were open minded enough to see why the other felt and believed the way they did.
Let us fast forward to a month later as we moved into an apartment together and combined our lives and our belongings into a small two room shoe box of space . Our styles and tastes in furnishings were different like night and day I was in a minimal point in my life less was more yet here was this person who saved everything and loved bright colors and to display everything in the open. It would be a challenge but some how we worked through it. For a year things between these two beings me as the night in a dark part of my life full of depression darkness and doubt and the other being as the day bright and ready to explode with bright color love and light went on day to day.
Over time the dark being soon deprived the awesome colorful being of its light and smothered it so it was unable to shine. The dark being slowly sucked the life force from the bright being changed the bright being to grey dragging them down into the darkness a little each day.
After a year the now grey being needed to break free before being dragged all the way down into the blackness of the dark being. So once again the dark one was alone unable to understand what happened to that bright colorful light with those beautiful blue eyes. But deep inside had knowledge of why the bright being needed to be free. The dark being felt jealousy towards the bright one for breaking away and living life in the sun. Why oh why could the dark one not break away?
It was a Saturday as I sat working on my 3rd rum and coke the first time we locked eyes from across the bar I smiled then went back to my own little world. Soon I found myself looking over again to see if they were still there. Once again locked eyes and smiled. I finished my 4th drink and payed my bill and left. I found myself thinking back to those blue eyes and as I walked home I smiled to myself.
Each day after work I found myself once again sitting at my usual spot drinking my drink and when I would looked up there were those blue eyes looking back at me. For weeks this game of looking smiling then acting as if we had no interest in talking. Yes this went on for weeks then the bar tender watching this cat and mouse game decided it was time to push us together and made the introductions this is so and so and this is so and so. We would sit that day and talk for hours about life our pasts our dreams it was electric even though we did not see eye to eye on things we were open minded enough to see why the other felt and believed the way they did.
Let us fast forward to a month later as we moved into an apartment together and combined our lives and our belongings into a small two room shoe box of space . Our styles and tastes in furnishings were different like night and day I was in a minimal point in my life less was more yet here was this person who saved everything and loved bright colors and to display everything in the open. It would be a challenge but some how we worked through it. For a year things between these two beings me as the night in a dark part of my life full of depression darkness and doubt and the other being as the day bright and ready to explode with bright color love and light went on day to day.
Over time the dark being soon deprived the awesome colorful being of its light and smothered it so it was unable to shine. The dark being slowly sucked the life force from the bright being changed the bright being to grey dragging them down into the darkness a little each day.
After a year the now grey being needed to break free before being dragged all the way down into the blackness of the dark being. So once again the dark one was alone unable to understand what happened to that bright colorful light with those beautiful blue eyes. But deep inside had knowledge of why the bright being needed to be free. The dark being felt jealousy towards the bright one for breaking away and living life in the sun. Why oh why could the dark one not break away?
What Is Love
When I was young I always thought love would be easy I would meet that person I connected with and just like in a fairy tale live happily ever after. It did not take me long to learn that thoughts,feelings and knowledge are so many worlds away from each other. Early in my life I learned that love can hurt and do damage to ones soul, damage that may never go away no matter how hard one try's. Putting myself out there full force with all my being for another person holding nothing back was an awesome thing and nice to feel a feeling of freedom being myself. I was not prepared for the fact a little of me goes a long way and my crazy no holds bared way was not easy for others to take. I would have to learn to hold back and I did try that but in doing so lost what made me the person I am. I became more like a walking talking image of what I thought others wanted me to be and the real me slowly disappeared to the point when I looked in a mirror I was looking at a stranger. It seemed others liked the fake me so I worked at keeping the real me hidden but inside I was suffering a slow emotional death.
I went out looking for love with my false walk and talk etc assimilating into the world becoming like those around me taking on their likes dislikes mannerisms to become what I thought I should be to be accepted . For a time it seemed like at last I fit in. I would meet others in my search for love who I had feelings for and tried to have relationships with but I was always left feeling empty inside. I was putting so much effort ito being what I thought they wanted I lost track of who I was and thinking maybe this love thing is just not real.
I gave up and went back to being me and tried the love thing again I soon learned the persons I invested and entrusted my feelings and emotions with could not or would not accept me for who I was. I would also learn that there are those who only wanted a small piece of me and not the whole package so they took what they wanted then walk away.
I own the fact I went into the love thing with rose colored glasses much the way I did many things in life early on, but life taught me some hard lessons that effect me to this day. Once I was knocked on my ass a few times the rose tint started to fade and I began to see things from clearer eyes. I returned to be guarded with my feelings to hold back and not let people see the real me learned to put on happy face even when I was feeling emotional pain from doing so.
There are those who were lucky enough to find that special person early in life or so I am told. I wonder what it would have been like to not have to go through the roller coaster of emotional drain that giving myself to someone can take only to end up alone in the end. Giving bits and pieces of myself trying to connect with someone and hoping they except me as I am the good the bad and the ugly bits.
Seems in the love department I failed in so many ways and invested my energy in the wrong people. Looking back I now know I did not love myself and was not equipped to love another and picked my partners knowing they were damaged. Looking back my choices in love were in many ways selfish on my part serving my need to fix others because I did not know how to fix myself. I to this day can not honestly say I love myself or have learned how to do that. I do know time is running out I am in human years more than half way done in this crazy thing called life and still do not feel that all consuming love others seem to have. I exist I move day to day but don't feel the connection or passion of another human. I guess in my next life if I am lucky enough to have one maybe I will learn what love really is or if there is such a thing?
I went out looking for love with my false walk and talk etc assimilating into the world becoming like those around me taking on their likes dislikes mannerisms to become what I thought I should be to be accepted . For a time it seemed like at last I fit in. I would meet others in my search for love who I had feelings for and tried to have relationships with but I was always left feeling empty inside. I was putting so much effort ito being what I thought they wanted I lost track of who I was and thinking maybe this love thing is just not real.
I gave up and went back to being me and tried the love thing again I soon learned the persons I invested and entrusted my feelings and emotions with could not or would not accept me for who I was. I would also learn that there are those who only wanted a small piece of me and not the whole package so they took what they wanted then walk away.
I own the fact I went into the love thing with rose colored glasses much the way I did many things in life early on, but life taught me some hard lessons that effect me to this day. Once I was knocked on my ass a few times the rose tint started to fade and I began to see things from clearer eyes. I returned to be guarded with my feelings to hold back and not let people see the real me learned to put on happy face even when I was feeling emotional pain from doing so.
There are those who were lucky enough to find that special person early in life or so I am told. I wonder what it would have been like to not have to go through the roller coaster of emotional drain that giving myself to someone can take only to end up alone in the end. Giving bits and pieces of myself trying to connect with someone and hoping they except me as I am the good the bad and the ugly bits.
Seems in the love department I failed in so many ways and invested my energy in the wrong people. Looking back I now know I did not love myself and was not equipped to love another and picked my partners knowing they were damaged. Looking back my choices in love were in many ways selfish on my part serving my need to fix others because I did not know how to fix myself. I to this day can not honestly say I love myself or have learned how to do that. I do know time is running out I am in human years more than half way done in this crazy thing called life and still do not feel that all consuming love others seem to have. I exist I move day to day but don't feel the connection or passion of another human. I guess in my next life if I am lucky enough to have one maybe I will learn what love really is or if there is such a thing?
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Free Spirit
I stand in the middle surrounded by people I am connected to by blood but feeling alone. Is the feeling something I am fabricating within my self or is it real am I alone? I know within me I have anger with the people around me angry for the fact they have information or think they do about my private life information I feel is private and none of their business. Information I feel they can not understand and will use to label me and to place me in a preformed notion or idea they have made in their own minds with this information.Based on what they know of the world their beliefs and how they have lived their lives not based on who I am because as far as I can see they do not know me.
I am a free spirit who has spent many years clipping my own wings to fit or conform to what I felt others thought I should be and in doing so stole the color and the light from my own life. I take full responsibility for this as I know I did this to myself. No one forced me to conform or to have a need to be liked it was something within myself. But time has come to move past this and become who I want me to be.
I will never understand why people want everyone else to look talk walk and act alike or how they feel another person should. Maybe its frightening to see someone go their own way and live life off the normal track and makes us feel as if we are doing it all wrong. To make others conform and walk and talk alike gives us a feeling of being OK with what we are doing or not doing in our own lives but for me that makes for a very dismal surroundings. I for one love the differences and all those things that makes others so different from me. I love to talk to others and learn from them and sometimes I take bits and pieces of their experiences etc and use them to improve my life. But I often see people or meet those that will never see my way of thinking or why I am who I am and at this time in my life a I am fine with that.
I am not one to push my beliefs or thoughts on another person I say what I think and feel and it is up to that person to do with it what they will. Gone are the days of worrying about fitting in or being liked. Oh its nice to know your are liked but the effort one has to put into that should be minimal they like you or they do not changing yourself to achieve that end is never never never a good thing.
I do however hate for people to think they know me or my heart or mind by what they have heard from others. I say if you want to know my story ask me and if I feel you need to know I will tell you. I am an open book to people I feel comfortable with. I have made mistakes in sharing things about myself to the wrong people who used it against me but that also I take responsibility for the telling and the allowing them to use it. I am the one in charge of my life if it sucks its up to me to unsuck it no one person place thing or amount of money etc can fix what I allow others to do to me.
I am a free spirit and I am just learning to soar something that should come natural but I have spent so much time and effort suppressing that natural ability it will take time to learn the power that has always been inside of me.
I am a free spirit who has spent many years clipping my own wings to fit or conform to what I felt others thought I should be and in doing so stole the color and the light from my own life. I take full responsibility for this as I know I did this to myself. No one forced me to conform or to have a need to be liked it was something within myself. But time has come to move past this and become who I want me to be.
I will never understand why people want everyone else to look talk walk and act alike or how they feel another person should. Maybe its frightening to see someone go their own way and live life off the normal track and makes us feel as if we are doing it all wrong. To make others conform and walk and talk alike gives us a feeling of being OK with what we are doing or not doing in our own lives but for me that makes for a very dismal surroundings. I for one love the differences and all those things that makes others so different from me. I love to talk to others and learn from them and sometimes I take bits and pieces of their experiences etc and use them to improve my life. But I often see people or meet those that will never see my way of thinking or why I am who I am and at this time in my life a I am fine with that.
I am not one to push my beliefs or thoughts on another person I say what I think and feel and it is up to that person to do with it what they will. Gone are the days of worrying about fitting in or being liked. Oh its nice to know your are liked but the effort one has to put into that should be minimal they like you or they do not changing yourself to achieve that end is never never never a good thing.
I do however hate for people to think they know me or my heart or mind by what they have heard from others. I say if you want to know my story ask me and if I feel you need to know I will tell you. I am an open book to people I feel comfortable with. I have made mistakes in sharing things about myself to the wrong people who used it against me but that also I take responsibility for the telling and the allowing them to use it. I am the one in charge of my life if it sucks its up to me to unsuck it no one person place thing or amount of money etc can fix what I allow others to do to me.
I am a free spirit and I am just learning to soar something that should come natural but I have spent so much time and effort suppressing that natural ability it will take time to learn the power that has always been inside of me.
Monday, December 19, 2016
The Joy of Christmas (NOT)
The twinkling lights upon the tree hold no joy this year for me. The gifts were bought with little a thought placed there below the tree. No smiling faces no warm embraces no cheer and no glee. The day had become so humdrum just another day to me. I would love to get back on the holiday track to that long lost child that once was in me.
Just seems I have lost that Christmas spark don't get me wrong I still love getting the cards and hearing from friends and family. Its nice to know they think of me during the holidays. I just do not have that Christmas spirit that awe of all the sparkling flashing decorations the hustle and bustle in the stores is more of an irritant were I once loved it all. And here are maybe the reasons I have come to this point?
Christmas was a big deal with my Mom the decorating the special foods that are only made at that time of year. She always tried to make it such a special time. I guess at the time I really did not notice just how much effort she put into it. She would often shop all year long to get the best deals and when I would tell her I was going to buy something would discourage me from it knowing she had already bought it and had it hidden away waiting to be wrapped and placed under the tree the next year.
This will be the 2nd Christmas without her and it is not getting any easier as people tell me it should. Maybe it will for me 10 years down the road but it will not not be this year. As I set and gaze at the tree with ornaments she made on it all I can do is feel a sort of emptiness and wanting to go back to those days past.
I remember my first Christmas away from home while in the Army I was feeling very alone even with all the other people around me. I realized just how important those family gatherings around the holidays had meant to me. It was not the gifts or even the food I missed it was the people. People who knew me and people who at times I wanted to get as far away from as I could and live my own life. Well there I was getting my wish on the other side of the world in Germany living my own life and it was not what I thought it would be. My sister had sent me a little 2 foot Christmas Tree that I had put up in my room. This would be another time in my life I sat and eyed the lights only to wish I was home with the rest of the nutty family. That was a hard time but nothing to that first Christmas without my Mom not being able to at least call her and say Merry Christmas.
The next 8 years I was in the Army I never made it home for Christmas. It got less and less painful and most of the time I stayed drunk or stoned through the holidays parting with my friends going out to clubs and leaving home and family behind. I was making a life for myself or so I thought. We would often get large group together and invade some Hotel and stay for the Holidays whooping it up and in my case acting happy. We would exchange gifts and of course there was a lot of drinking I am assuming here but I think many felt as I did and the drinking was our way of hiding just how much we missed home. I called my Mom one New Years drunk off my ass not thinking of the time difference and woke her up. She was happy to hear from me but stopped me a few times and said remember who you are talking to seems my drunk ass was spurting a few (BLEEP) words not thinking about it. I apologized said Merry Christmas Happy New Year hung up and went back to drinking I swear I did not even remember the call until it showed up on my Hotel bill at check out. And would not know just what was said etc until years later when she brought it up. SORRY MOM! <3
Many who have never been in the service do not understand that even if you have not seen combat when you come home you never feel the same. It is like the rest of the world moved on and changed and you missed out on it. When I got out and moved back to Michigan my home town had changed so much. The old school I went to was torn down the dime store was closed as were many other stores and places I knew growing up. It had all changed and to me it was like it happened in a flash. For those who were there it happened a little bit at a time. The Nieces and Nephews had grown so much my Parents had aged my friends were married and had kids and all this happened while I was away I and was a bit of a shock to have it all come at me at once. I felt out of place like I did not belong anymore and in fact I did not it was like starting over. Also I had changed to those I left behind they expected me to be the same person I was when I left but I was no, there was way to many experiences that had happened to me that they could never understand.
In the service the people around you become your family and they deal with the same things you do pretty much day in and day out so they get much of what you are thinking and feeling. I do not know what I expected when I came home but I just felt left behind out of place and not part of the world I had once known so well.
Those years of living on my own and doing it my way became a brick wall when I returned home. My parents did not agree with my new found way of looking at life and we butted heads many times. It came to a point I had to get away and once again be on my own living life on my terms. I packed my things and hit the road not really knowing were i was headed just anywhere but there. I lived in my car for a long time then landed in Pittsburgh were I started a new life. Once again I felt the need for space from my family but always in the back of my mind missing those days when we all gathered together for the holidays. So I drank and drugged to mask to myself and the world I needed those people in my life. Try as I might I never really fit into the world I was living in in Pittsburgh I just sort of moved along with the crowd and tried to act like I was part of it all.
It took a few years and falling on my ass broke and alone to get it through my head I needed to get home and start to build a relationship with my family again. I moved back and tried but something was missing and that something was me. In all those years away I had morphed and changed but never really found who I was. I had mimicked and emulated others around me their music their likes and dislikes but never really becoming or finding me. I always wondered what people meant when they talked about finding themselves it sounded sort of stupid to me. I mean look in the mirror and there you are is what I thought. I looked in the mirror but what was looking back was not me it was the me I had put on for the world and it would still take many years and even to this day to work on who the hell am I?
The last great Christmas I remember was the last year my sister Debbie and all the family were together. We lost her a few years later to cancer and since then Christmas just is not the same. Debbie was a mix of emotions at times I wanted to strangle her and at times I wanted to spend time laughing and joking with her. She was a complicated person but also the life of the party and had this light about her and even when she pissed me off could turn around and make me laugh. Yes once she was gone I never got that Christmas spirit again. My Mom tried over the years to bring us all together but for one reason or another it never worked out.
Funny how in life or at least mine it is true you never know what you have until its gone and that you can never really go home. So I say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas and I smile but just not feeling it, not feeling that child inside i think he is off someplace pouting in the corner for days gone by.
Just seems I have lost that Christmas spark don't get me wrong I still love getting the cards and hearing from friends and family. Its nice to know they think of me during the holidays. I just do not have that Christmas spirit that awe of all the sparkling flashing decorations the hustle and bustle in the stores is more of an irritant were I once loved it all. And here are maybe the reasons I have come to this point?
Christmas was a big deal with my Mom the decorating the special foods that are only made at that time of year. She always tried to make it such a special time. I guess at the time I really did not notice just how much effort she put into it. She would often shop all year long to get the best deals and when I would tell her I was going to buy something would discourage me from it knowing she had already bought it and had it hidden away waiting to be wrapped and placed under the tree the next year.
This will be the 2nd Christmas without her and it is not getting any easier as people tell me it should. Maybe it will for me 10 years down the road but it will not not be this year. As I set and gaze at the tree with ornaments she made on it all I can do is feel a sort of emptiness and wanting to go back to those days past.
I remember my first Christmas away from home while in the Army I was feeling very alone even with all the other people around me. I realized just how important those family gatherings around the holidays had meant to me. It was not the gifts or even the food I missed it was the people. People who knew me and people who at times I wanted to get as far away from as I could and live my own life. Well there I was getting my wish on the other side of the world in Germany living my own life and it was not what I thought it would be. My sister had sent me a little 2 foot Christmas Tree that I had put up in my room. This would be another time in my life I sat and eyed the lights only to wish I was home with the rest of the nutty family. That was a hard time but nothing to that first Christmas without my Mom not being able to at least call her and say Merry Christmas.
The next 8 years I was in the Army I never made it home for Christmas. It got less and less painful and most of the time I stayed drunk or stoned through the holidays parting with my friends going out to clubs and leaving home and family behind. I was making a life for myself or so I thought. We would often get large group together and invade some Hotel and stay for the Holidays whooping it up and in my case acting happy. We would exchange gifts and of course there was a lot of drinking I am assuming here but I think many felt as I did and the drinking was our way of hiding just how much we missed home. I called my Mom one New Years drunk off my ass not thinking of the time difference and woke her up. She was happy to hear from me but stopped me a few times and said remember who you are talking to seems my drunk ass was spurting a few (BLEEP) words not thinking about it. I apologized said Merry Christmas Happy New Year hung up and went back to drinking I swear I did not even remember the call until it showed up on my Hotel bill at check out. And would not know just what was said etc until years later when she brought it up. SORRY MOM! <3
Many who have never been in the service do not understand that even if you have not seen combat when you come home you never feel the same. It is like the rest of the world moved on and changed and you missed out on it. When I got out and moved back to Michigan my home town had changed so much. The old school I went to was torn down the dime store was closed as were many other stores and places I knew growing up. It had all changed and to me it was like it happened in a flash. For those who were there it happened a little bit at a time. The Nieces and Nephews had grown so much my Parents had aged my friends were married and had kids and all this happened while I was away I and was a bit of a shock to have it all come at me at once. I felt out of place like I did not belong anymore and in fact I did not it was like starting over. Also I had changed to those I left behind they expected me to be the same person I was when I left but I was no, there was way to many experiences that had happened to me that they could never understand.
In the service the people around you become your family and they deal with the same things you do pretty much day in and day out so they get much of what you are thinking and feeling. I do not know what I expected when I came home but I just felt left behind out of place and not part of the world I had once known so well.
Those years of living on my own and doing it my way became a brick wall when I returned home. My parents did not agree with my new found way of looking at life and we butted heads many times. It came to a point I had to get away and once again be on my own living life on my terms. I packed my things and hit the road not really knowing were i was headed just anywhere but there. I lived in my car for a long time then landed in Pittsburgh were I started a new life. Once again I felt the need for space from my family but always in the back of my mind missing those days when we all gathered together for the holidays. So I drank and drugged to mask to myself and the world I needed those people in my life. Try as I might I never really fit into the world I was living in in Pittsburgh I just sort of moved along with the crowd and tried to act like I was part of it all.
It took a few years and falling on my ass broke and alone to get it through my head I needed to get home and start to build a relationship with my family again. I moved back and tried but something was missing and that something was me. In all those years away I had morphed and changed but never really found who I was. I had mimicked and emulated others around me their music their likes and dislikes but never really becoming or finding me. I always wondered what people meant when they talked about finding themselves it sounded sort of stupid to me. I mean look in the mirror and there you are is what I thought. I looked in the mirror but what was looking back was not me it was the me I had put on for the world and it would still take many years and even to this day to work on who the hell am I?
The last great Christmas I remember was the last year my sister Debbie and all the family were together. We lost her a few years later to cancer and since then Christmas just is not the same. Debbie was a mix of emotions at times I wanted to strangle her and at times I wanted to spend time laughing and joking with her. She was a complicated person but also the life of the party and had this light about her and even when she pissed me off could turn around and make me laugh. Yes once she was gone I never got that Christmas spirit again. My Mom tried over the years to bring us all together but for one reason or another it never worked out.
Funny how in life or at least mine it is true you never know what you have until its gone and that you can never really go home. So I say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas and I smile but just not feeling it, not feeling that child inside i think he is off someplace pouting in the corner for days gone by.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Dave Is Back Back Again Dave Is Back Tell A Friend
Wow it was this time last year the last time I wrote anything in my Blog. I have been keeping my self busy with my new Quilting addiction. I am still unable to work a job so my money is still tight and I have to do everything on the cheap. A couple of my friends gave me sewing machines that I can use to sew and the material I use is old clothing I cut up to make my squares. If someone had told me a few years back I would be quilting I would have said they were flipping nuts. I am only able to do the tops of the Quilts I still need to learn how to quilt them but for now I am happy just making the tops.
I wonder some times why I even write in this blog talking about my life to people who do not even know me. I guess its a kind of therapy I am unable to get away from the house due to health problems so I spend a lot of time alone. The other people in the house are not big talkers and when they do its about illness or their pains so I feel I want to scream SHUT UP!!! So I guess the Blog is a way to dump the shit that rattles around in my head and get it out.
I was always a very social person and liked being around people but as the years go on I have become less and less interested in having contact with the outside world. I find I love being around animals more than humans. I have also noticed that when I am out say in a store I have become very uncomfortable in crowds. I may have mentioned this before in my blog I can not remember what I have talked about so forgive me if I am rehashing something.
I am not be crazy about the recent outcome of our election here in the US and was not crazy about who we had to chose from but I am glad it is over. I am forever an optimist so I am hoping all will turn out for the good. It was hard for me to watch as my friends and family ripped into each other over this election and many stopped talking to each other. The United states from the votes looks to be split almost in half in their way of thinking and still the battles rage on. I sit back and watch and try to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I used to spend a lot of time on Face Book it was my place to go and keep in touch with the world but with this political war going on found the fun of it was sucked completely out of it. So I took some time away from it and often found myself wanting to check in and see what was going on but the few times I did nothing had changed the political madness raged on.
Then I found a quilting page on Face Book and found other people who shared my addiction and started learning new things from the members in that group. I was able to finish two quilt tops and started working on a new one. The new quilt top has proved to be more work than I thought and will take me a while to finish. This quilt top I am working on is made from using scrap material the stuff that most of the time is tossed in the trash bin. I am sewing it together in a random pattern and will decide how it will go together as I go.
I have noticed that I am eating less food it just does not even interest me I am doing so just so I do not get sicker. I try to keep up on drinking enough water but know often I do not. Have not been sleeping well my mind will not shut down at night when I should be asleep. I went to the doctor to see if it was something to worry about and was told it is common with age. I so hate going to the doctor these days it seems they are all young and have no idea what it is to age. I get some satisfaction knowing it will happen to them some day hell I am only 50 I think to myself. Then I think how many in my family have passed away in their 70's.
So if I follow their lead 70's that means I have 20 more years give or take. How the hell did I get here? life just blew past me and much of it is a blur.
Well enough of that no need to get all depressed after all it is the Holidays Ha! the Holidays when we are all so happy insert sarcasm emoji here. I remember as a kid being so excited about Christmas and even on in years I used to decorate and love all the foods etc. The past few years I have decorated less and less and now could care less if I even have a tree. Dragging all that shit out is just a chore and one I just do not care to do. I know I hear you saying Humbug and I get it. I wish I was more into it just is not that big of a deal.
In the past I would make out my Christmas cards while passing out Halloween candy then put them in the mail a few days after Thanksgiving. Now I am lucky to even get them out for Christmas.
So now that I have you all cheered up and ready for the Holidays 8-) I would like to wish all a blessed and pleasant Holiday what ever you celebrate. Be good to one another and spread love not hate.
I wonder some times why I even write in this blog talking about my life to people who do not even know me. I guess its a kind of therapy I am unable to get away from the house due to health problems so I spend a lot of time alone. The other people in the house are not big talkers and when they do its about illness or their pains so I feel I want to scream SHUT UP!!! So I guess the Blog is a way to dump the shit that rattles around in my head and get it out.
I was always a very social person and liked being around people but as the years go on I have become less and less interested in having contact with the outside world. I find I love being around animals more than humans. I have also noticed that when I am out say in a store I have become very uncomfortable in crowds. I may have mentioned this before in my blog I can not remember what I have talked about so forgive me if I am rehashing something.
I am not be crazy about the recent outcome of our election here in the US and was not crazy about who we had to chose from but I am glad it is over. I am forever an optimist so I am hoping all will turn out for the good. It was hard for me to watch as my friends and family ripped into each other over this election and many stopped talking to each other. The United states from the votes looks to be split almost in half in their way of thinking and still the battles rage on. I sit back and watch and try to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself. I used to spend a lot of time on Face Book it was my place to go and keep in touch with the world but with this political war going on found the fun of it was sucked completely out of it. So I took some time away from it and often found myself wanting to check in and see what was going on but the few times I did nothing had changed the political madness raged on.
Then I found a quilting page on Face Book and found other people who shared my addiction and started learning new things from the members in that group. I was able to finish two quilt tops and started working on a new one. The new quilt top has proved to be more work than I thought and will take me a while to finish. This quilt top I am working on is made from using scrap material the stuff that most of the time is tossed in the trash bin. I am sewing it together in a random pattern and will decide how it will go together as I go.
I have noticed that I am eating less food it just does not even interest me I am doing so just so I do not get sicker. I try to keep up on drinking enough water but know often I do not. Have not been sleeping well my mind will not shut down at night when I should be asleep. I went to the doctor to see if it was something to worry about and was told it is common with age. I so hate going to the doctor these days it seems they are all young and have no idea what it is to age. I get some satisfaction knowing it will happen to them some day hell I am only 50 I think to myself. Then I think how many in my family have passed away in their 70's.
So if I follow their lead 70's that means I have 20 more years give or take. How the hell did I get here? life just blew past me and much of it is a blur.
Well enough of that no need to get all depressed after all it is the Holidays Ha! the Holidays when we are all so happy insert sarcasm emoji here. I remember as a kid being so excited about Christmas and even on in years I used to decorate and love all the foods etc. The past few years I have decorated less and less and now could care less if I even have a tree. Dragging all that shit out is just a chore and one I just do not care to do. I know I hear you saying Humbug and I get it. I wish I was more into it just is not that big of a deal.
In the past I would make out my Christmas cards while passing out Halloween candy then put them in the mail a few days after Thanksgiving. Now I am lucky to even get them out for Christmas.
So now that I have you all cheered up and ready for the Holidays 8-) I would like to wish all a blessed and pleasant Holiday what ever you celebrate. Be good to one another and spread love not hate.
You Never Left My Heart
I thought about you today the way I often do I wondered where you are and how life turned out for you.
I thought about the day we met and how it felt to find a person who was so loyal so loving and so kind.
I thought about the whens the wheres and even about the why's and how I wished back then that I had realized.
Realized you needed something I would not give, you needed space and time alone some room to grow and live.
I only thought about myself I was selfish in that way I wish I could turn back the clock there are things I would like to say.
To tell you that I loved you in my twisted way and how I treated you haunts me to this very day
I was broken when you met me maybe you could not see the person that I showed you was the one I wish to be.
The real me was dark and hollow just an empty shell but with my false smile I wore how were you to tell.
Looking back at the woulds the should's the could's I wonder how I hid the fact that I was damaged goods.
Time exposed me for who I really was yes time exposed me as it often does.
I took away your world and placed you in a cage I called you names and effecting you with my rage.
I smothered you so much and took away your light, that thing that had attracted me and in you burned so bright.
Although I never hit you my words punched you just the same Oh how I acted then makes me feel much shame.
For many years I was sure the end was all because of you As I reflect now I know that was not true.
I had no clue then I had the world right there by my side I did not see you struggling and just how hard you tried.
I wanted to keep you from the world and have you to myself I wanted you to stay the same and keep you on a shelf.
Keep you as I found you leave no room for change I can see now my behavior was so very strange
I made you pay for how the world had treated me I hurt you oh so deeply how could that be?
You never deserved the things I did to you and when I say I am sorry please believe that its sincere and true.
I hope that you are happy and found in life your bliss I hope that you are out there and maybe reading this.
Saying that I am sorry the past it will not take away but I keep you in my heart and for your happiness I will prey.
I have grown and changed and not the jerk that you once knew It was me who screwed things up please know it wasn't you.
I thought about the day we met and how it felt to find a person who was so loyal so loving and so kind.
I thought about the whens the wheres and even about the why's and how I wished back then that I had realized.
Realized you needed something I would not give, you needed space and time alone some room to grow and live.
I only thought about myself I was selfish in that way I wish I could turn back the clock there are things I would like to say.
To tell you that I loved you in my twisted way and how I treated you haunts me to this very day
I was broken when you met me maybe you could not see the person that I showed you was the one I wish to be.
The real me was dark and hollow just an empty shell but with my false smile I wore how were you to tell.
Looking back at the woulds the should's the could's I wonder how I hid the fact that I was damaged goods.
Time exposed me for who I really was yes time exposed me as it often does.
I took away your world and placed you in a cage I called you names and effecting you with my rage.
I smothered you so much and took away your light, that thing that had attracted me and in you burned so bright.
Although I never hit you my words punched you just the same Oh how I acted then makes me feel much shame.
For many years I was sure the end was all because of you As I reflect now I know that was not true.
I had no clue then I had the world right there by my side I did not see you struggling and just how hard you tried.
I wanted to keep you from the world and have you to myself I wanted you to stay the same and keep you on a shelf.
Keep you as I found you leave no room for change I can see now my behavior was so very strange
I made you pay for how the world had treated me I hurt you oh so deeply how could that be?
You never deserved the things I did to you and when I say I am sorry please believe that its sincere and true.
I hope that you are happy and found in life your bliss I hope that you are out there and maybe reading this.
Saying that I am sorry the past it will not take away but I keep you in my heart and for your happiness I will prey.
I have grown and changed and not the jerk that you once knew It was me who screwed things up please know it wasn't you.
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