Language is a funny thing and can cause more havoc than one would think. I have stated many times in my blog I was stationed in Germany for almost 7 years and that I had traveled through Europe after graduating High School. I never thought about how language can separate us until I was faced with trying to maneuver my way through Europe and make sure I was on the right train heading in the right direction or trying to order food at a restaurant. Most of the time this language barrier could be worked out but often it took a lot of playing a game of charades or drawing stick figure people on a napkin. I have to say in most of Europe people speak a bit of English and most speak or understand a bit of a few different languages.
I think back to my teen years in the 80's and how we as teens made up our own words often bastardized words that already existed or words we took and added or subtracted from and often just made up words. Spazz,Gross,Totally,tubular,gnarly to name a few. Those words could be dropped randomly in to a sentence to make it our own. The words sprang into phrases many borrowed from the California surf culture and the Valley Girls. Gag me with a spoon.Barf me out!, Not Even! and one of my favorites Whats your damage man?. I know this is nothing new and teens had been doing this for years but the 80's stands out more for me because it was the time I grew up in.
As a kid we would visit our cousins and family in West Virginia only a few states away and if you were not used to the way they speak could be something a culture shock. In West Virginia they drop letters off the ends of words or take them out completely You all meaning a group of people becomes Y'all white is pronounced wite, night is nite, light is lite emphasis on the letter I. Now this will also depend on what part of the state you live in the more north you go the less of a country twang will be heard the farther south you go the more of the twang will be heard. It is called dialect and dialect can change from state to state depending on if it is northern state or southern western or eastern. When I was about 13 I was taken to Nebraska to visit my sisters husbands family. I did not notice a lot of differences in dialect or language but one thing they said stuck out and at first confused me. If someone was going to the store they would say (you wanna go with? or you want to come with?) a shortened down version of do you want to go with me to the store.
Most of the time I could hear and comprehend and just go with it but there were times dialect got me into trouble. The more a person travels the less the differences becomes a cultural shock. On such instance was when I was around the age of 10 and my father who was from West Virgina born and raised had always said things with a W.Va accent or dialect and for the most part I was used to it. He would say things like winder for window and piller for the word pillow. There was however one day he came up with something I had never heard before and almost got me a good old fashioned ass whoopin drop the (G) as he pronounced it. He had told me to go out and do trim work around trees after the mowing was done. We had a gas powered push mower so it was not back breaking work but it was hot work and time consuming. We lived on ten acres and our house sat about in the middle of that ten acres and we had a lot of trees and flower beds etc that needed trimmed around so it was not a job that could be done quickly. We as a family often joked that it seemed we no sooner got the lawn mowed and trimmed and it was time to start all over again. I digress so now back to my little story. I had been out trimming around trees one day and came in the house to get something cold to drink. My father asked me.....get ready here comes the saying I did not understand and caused my father to want to beat my butt for what he though was me being disrespectful. He asked me (So how much do you like mowing the lawn?) Now I took that as do you like mowing the lawn? so I said I do not like it but you said I had to do it. His eyes got big and I could see he was angry but I could not for the life of me understand why. He asked again (How much do you like mowing the lawn?) and I came back with the same answer. This went on for a while and my Mom hearing this from the other room came in laughing her ass off. My father seemed to become even more angry that she found what he thought was my disrespect funny his face turned red and I just knew he was going to give me a whoopin drop the (G).
So that you are in on the funny part of this to my father the sentence (How much do you like mowing the lawn?) Meant how much more mowing do you have left to do?) and as I said I heard it as (Do you like mowing?) I had never heard the term before and it had thrown me for a loop. My father calmed down after my Mother explained to him the miss interpretation on my part and we would laugh about it later when we spoke of it.
While stationed in Germany I picked up some of the German language and was able to order a drink, find directions and converse with people in a slip shot manner of mixed English and German. About four or five months after my arriving in Germany and thinking I had mastered the basics of the German language I went out on my own and stopped in a small local bar and ordered a drink. After I ordered the people in the bar within ear shot brook out in laughter making my face turn red as a beat. You see many words if not said right can mean something very different and what I chose from my dictionary was totally the wrong word . The funny part of this story is I wanted a rum and soda water the word I used from my English to German dictionary was I wanted a Rum and urinate in my glass. The bar got such a kick out of my screw up that I did not buy a drink the rest of the night so it turned out to be a good screw up.
Even in countries were English is not the native language they have different dialects and different words that mean the same thing. In most cities in Germany they speak what is called high German or what we call proper English but each city still has its own dialect. The differences were not so noticeable to me because my German speech was very limited but to a German speaking person it is much like a person from Michigan going to Texas the language is still English but there is a certain difference in pronunciation that is noticeable to a person who is not used to it.
I remember many of the new soldiers would speak loud and very slowly English to a German person who did not understand English like that would help them understand better. It is like giving hand gestures to a blind person or screaming at a deaf person to get a point across. The funniest thing I ever heard was a guy from the southern states learn German but he kept his southern English Drawl even the German people got a kick out of hearing him speak.
I know this whole slang, dialect, language thing has been written about before many times before and probably much better than I have but it was just something that popped into my head and I wanted to share. I think what made me think about it was a post on a friends wall on Facebook. They had mentioned that many people add an s to things like stores that do not need to be there. For instance Walmart if a person says they are going shopping at Walmart they say Lets go to Walmarts as if they were going to more than one Walmart store. I was guilty of this for many years saying I am going to Krogers the proper way of saying it is I am going to Kroger. I do not know how or why this (S) adding was started but many (peoples) are guilty of this one.
The differences can make you laugh like knockers in England means something on a door to announce you are at the door like a door bell. Knockers in much of the United States means a woman's breast. Knocked up in the US means pregnant in England it means you went calling on a person and knocked on their door. I remember the first time I heard an English accent and heard them say knockers I as a young kid of 9 or so laughed and laughed.
The internet has brought forth a whole new group of words and phrases used in chat rooms, texting, and tweeting. I do not even want to go there LOL TTFN
Monday, May 5, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
Sunrise Brings Back Memories
When I bought my house there was a large deck on the back side of the house that I built a metal roof awning over to keep the rain off me while setting on the deck and working on my paintings. The plan was just an awning over a small portion of the deck leaving the rest of the deck so I could soak up some sun now and then, the small awning grew into a large awning and before I was done covered the whole deck. I was very happy with this until the winds started blowing and making it impossible to paint on the deck were I live I have open farm fields all around me with no trees as wind breakers the winds howl through often and hard. So my little awning that grew into a large awning soon became an enclosure with windows all around or as many call it a sun porch.
I mention all this only to give you an idea of my surroundings when I awoke very early this morning to find I had fallen asleep crunched up on the small couch on the sun porch last night. It was still very dark and I was not sure of the time so I went in to the kitchen to look at the clock and it was six in the morning. I put some wood in the furnace pored myself a cup of coffee and made that morning stop in the bathroom then walked back out to the sun porch, I pulled up one of the shades and flipped on the outside light to see if it had rained last night to find out in fact it had. The rain had drenched everything and was pooling up in some areas and was still raining.
I opened up the rest of the shades and as I was pulling the last one open I could see the sun had slightly lit the sky just enough that you could see the outline of the trees on the far side of the open field. It still seems strange to see the fields bare of the rows of corn that once stood there only a few months ago. As the warmer weather starts to be more prevalent it warms my inner self to know soon the flowers will bloom and the trees will be full of leaves and the humming birds will return to buzz around the yard flitting from feeder to flower then buzz of to some unseen nest to start a new group of the little dive bombers. If their feeders get empty they buzz my head as if to say HEY! buddy you need to refill the feeders and now would not be soon enough.
I watched the sun rise slowly making the sky red and orange with a blaze of color. I realize how lucky I am to be living were I am and to have the chance to view such beauty. I look for my camera to catch it only to find the batteries dead and by the time I find some new ones the colors are all gone. I set and ponder to myself how fast life passes even when we are unable to notice. This brings my mind to people who have passed through my life and brings a smile to my face remembering so many good times. I have been blessed in my life to have had many good people to spend moments in my life with. I hear many say people only remember you when they want something. I feel just the fact they need me is a blessing but. knowing the fine line between being needed and being used is the conundrum. Life happens and people get busy and are trying to live their own lives they might not be right by my side but they will always be in my heart and i hope when they think of me a smile comes to their face and lightens what ever load they are dealing with.
And I owe all those thoughts to the beautiful sunrise that was provided for my viewing.
I mention all this only to give you an idea of my surroundings when I awoke very early this morning to find I had fallen asleep crunched up on the small couch on the sun porch last night. It was still very dark and I was not sure of the time so I went in to the kitchen to look at the clock and it was six in the morning. I put some wood in the furnace pored myself a cup of coffee and made that morning stop in the bathroom then walked back out to the sun porch, I pulled up one of the shades and flipped on the outside light to see if it had rained last night to find out in fact it had. The rain had drenched everything and was pooling up in some areas and was still raining.
I opened up the rest of the shades and as I was pulling the last one open I could see the sun had slightly lit the sky just enough that you could see the outline of the trees on the far side of the open field. It still seems strange to see the fields bare of the rows of corn that once stood there only a few months ago. As the warmer weather starts to be more prevalent it warms my inner self to know soon the flowers will bloom and the trees will be full of leaves and the humming birds will return to buzz around the yard flitting from feeder to flower then buzz of to some unseen nest to start a new group of the little dive bombers. If their feeders get empty they buzz my head as if to say HEY! buddy you need to refill the feeders and now would not be soon enough.
I watched the sun rise slowly making the sky red and orange with a blaze of color. I realize how lucky I am to be living were I am and to have the chance to view such beauty. I look for my camera to catch it only to find the batteries dead and by the time I find some new ones the colors are all gone. I set and ponder to myself how fast life passes even when we are unable to notice. This brings my mind to people who have passed through my life and brings a smile to my face remembering so many good times. I have been blessed in my life to have had many good people to spend moments in my life with. I hear many say people only remember you when they want something. I feel just the fact they need me is a blessing but. knowing the fine line between being needed and being used is the conundrum. Life happens and people get busy and are trying to live their own lives they might not be right by my side but they will always be in my heart and i hope when they think of me a smile comes to their face and lightens what ever load they are dealing with.
And I owe all those thoughts to the beautiful sunrise that was provided for my viewing.
My Strange Claymation Stop Motion Dream.
I have to say I have not seen a claymattion or Stop Motion movie in many years. I think the last such movie I saw was Mysterious Island and that was stop motion and had to have been ten years ago. Last night I had the strangest dream in a claymation motion stop style. The dream started out normal LOL or what I call normal I should say. I was in a hurry to get someplace and had overslept so I was rushing around gulping coffee at the same time I was putting on my clothes and that's when it happened like the music video from the 80's Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel suddenly I had four arms and one was buttering toast another was making my second cup of coffee another was brushing my teeth and the last was picking out my wardrobe. After each appendage had done its job it shrank back into my body.
I soon stood ready at the front door of a house I have never seen and my car pulled up by itself and I got in. At first the car was like a Flintstones Shleprock car so I revved up my feet Flintstones sounds included and away I went. I stopped at a red light and the car changed to a 1966 Mustang and when the light turned green I dropped it into gear and left the cars behind me in a cloud of smoke from my burning rubber. The scenery around me was all claymation and looked like something out of a Doctor Seuss book. The road signs had strange sayings like {You can find magic wherever you look just sit back relax all you need is a shnook. I was like what the hell is a shnook? that seemed to make me angry that I did not know what a schnook was.
I turned to the left and the car started to spin around and around everything in sight became a blur. The car slid to a stop as if parallel parking and I found myself in a large traffic jamb. All the cars were made of clay or a nurf substance. The people got so mad that the traffic jamb was not moving that they started smashing into one another and that made them bounce off of one another and the whole scene changed into a huge Pinball Machine nurf cars bouncing around in every direction lights flashing pinging noises, bells ringing as the cars bounced off the Pinball bumpers and each other. My car was heading for the huge pin ball paddles but I swerved to miss them and passed them by thus sending me down the hole and inside the dark inner belly of the machine. I could hear the song from Pink Floyd playing soft at first but it became louder WELCOME TO THE MACHINE.
My car was being bounced around inside shinny silver tubes turning right then left faster and faster then suddenly I could see light and my car now turning into an RV tour buss shot out of the pinball machine and I landed on route 66 and everything around looked like the 1950's I laughed at the gas price listed it was like 25 cents or something very cheap.
There were people dancing all up and down the road doing the jitter bug dressed in 1950's garb and for some reason I started running them down with the RV and laughing like some deranged nut job and saying that is 50 points as I marked kill points on a chalk board. People were flying in the air as I hit them with the RV. The ones I hit turned into zombies and started hanging on the side of the RV trying to get in. I speed up and soon was on a section of the road that was like a desert nothing but Sun,sand and pavement could be seen for miles. All the 1950's zombies lost their grip and had fallen off bouncing on the road as they hit.
The RV turned into and Army deuce and a half and the shifter was stuck so I was grinding the hell out of it to get it in gear. The soldiers in the back were yelling at me (if you cant find it grind it) that pissed me off so I hit a lever and it lifted the back up like a dump truck and sent them all sprawling on the road I could see them in my side mirror jump up and start chasing after me. I got the deuce and half in gear and sped off flipping them off as I left them in the dessert.
The vehicle went back to a Flintstones car and was going very fast I could see ahead the road had collapsed into a large sink hole so I put my bare feet down on the road trying to stop but the pavement burnt them and I could not stop. The car and I dropped into the sink hole and I could feel myself drooping.
I woke up just as I hear the voice of Ray Harryhausen or what I thought was his voice say CUT! that's a wrap! thank you all for your help, this motion picture is in the can. I woke up and thought What the hell was that? and the dream has stuck with me the rest of the day. It seemed so real even though it was mostly claymation and nonsensical. Proof I am crazy? Maybe or the fact my creative juices are backing up? maybe my cold has infected my brain? What ever it was it was just down right strange, very strange!
I soon stood ready at the front door of a house I have never seen and my car pulled up by itself and I got in. At first the car was like a Flintstones Shleprock car so I revved up my feet Flintstones sounds included and away I went. I stopped at a red light and the car changed to a 1966 Mustang and when the light turned green I dropped it into gear and left the cars behind me in a cloud of smoke from my burning rubber. The scenery around me was all claymation and looked like something out of a Doctor Seuss book. The road signs had strange sayings like {You can find magic wherever you look just sit back relax all you need is a shnook. I was like what the hell is a shnook? that seemed to make me angry that I did not know what a schnook was.
I turned to the left and the car started to spin around and around everything in sight became a blur. The car slid to a stop as if parallel parking and I found myself in a large traffic jamb. All the cars were made of clay or a nurf substance. The people got so mad that the traffic jamb was not moving that they started smashing into one another and that made them bounce off of one another and the whole scene changed into a huge Pinball Machine nurf cars bouncing around in every direction lights flashing pinging noises, bells ringing as the cars bounced off the Pinball bumpers and each other. My car was heading for the huge pin ball paddles but I swerved to miss them and passed them by thus sending me down the hole and inside the dark inner belly of the machine. I could hear the song from Pink Floyd playing soft at first but it became louder WELCOME TO THE MACHINE.
My car was being bounced around inside shinny silver tubes turning right then left faster and faster then suddenly I could see light and my car now turning into an RV tour buss shot out of the pinball machine and I landed on route 66 and everything around looked like the 1950's I laughed at the gas price listed it was like 25 cents or something very cheap.
There were people dancing all up and down the road doing the jitter bug dressed in 1950's garb and for some reason I started running them down with the RV and laughing like some deranged nut job and saying that is 50 points as I marked kill points on a chalk board. People were flying in the air as I hit them with the RV. The ones I hit turned into zombies and started hanging on the side of the RV trying to get in. I speed up and soon was on a section of the road that was like a desert nothing but Sun,sand and pavement could be seen for miles. All the 1950's zombies lost their grip and had fallen off bouncing on the road as they hit.
The RV turned into and Army deuce and a half and the shifter was stuck so I was grinding the hell out of it to get it in gear. The soldiers in the back were yelling at me (if you cant find it grind it) that pissed me off so I hit a lever and it lifted the back up like a dump truck and sent them all sprawling on the road I could see them in my side mirror jump up and start chasing after me. I got the deuce and half in gear and sped off flipping them off as I left them in the dessert.
The vehicle went back to a Flintstones car and was going very fast I could see ahead the road had collapsed into a large sink hole so I put my bare feet down on the road trying to stop but the pavement burnt them and I could not stop. The car and I dropped into the sink hole and I could feel myself drooping.
I woke up just as I hear the voice of Ray Harryhausen or what I thought was his voice say CUT! that's a wrap! thank you all for your help, this motion picture is in the can. I woke up and thought What the hell was that? and the dream has stuck with me the rest of the day. It seemed so real even though it was mostly claymation and nonsensical. Proof I am crazy? Maybe or the fact my creative juices are backing up? maybe my cold has infected my brain? What ever it was it was just down right strange, very strange!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
BFF
The phone rang and awoke Mike from a deep sleep. He glanced at the alarm clock and could see it was 4 in the morning, thinking to him self who the hell would call this early? He found his cell phone in the dimly lit room and answered it. He could hear the voice crying on the other end saying, can you come pick me up? He recognized the voice on the other end and it was one he had not heard in a long time, it was the voice of his BFF Pam. He blurted into the phone were are you? are you OK?. Pam replied I am at the Four Corners Bar and I need a ride the battery on my phone is almost dead. Again he asked if she was OK she just said come get me please I will tell you everything when you get here and the phone went dead.
Mike jumped out of bed and dressed as fast as he could throwing on what ever was laying on the floor and ran outside to get in his car. As he drove the 6 miles to the Bar he wondered what was going on, he was hoping it was nothing serious. He could not help but be worried because of the tone in her voice, he had never heard her sound so upset. He was also wondered why she called him and not her boyfriend Ben. Mike and Pam had been friends for 14 years they had met when they both were 18 while doing their AIT Army training at Fort Dix NJ and had become fast friends and after had ended up stationed on the same post in Germany. They had been almost inseparable until Pam met Ben three years ago, Ben was not crazy about their close relationship and that was causing a rift so to keep Ben happy they started seeing less and less of each other until they just stopped all together.
Rain started coming down hard and made it almost impossible to see the road in front of him as Mike was driving as fast as he could. It seemed to Mike like it was taking forever to get to the destination. Finally in the distance he could see the lights from the sign that hung above the bar and in the dim light given off by the sign he could see a silhouette standing in the rain. Mike pulled in to see Pam standing in the parking lot drenched and shivering and she smiled as he pulled up next to her. Mike swung open the door to let Pam in the car and as he opened the door the rain abruptly stopped and he rubbed his eyes in disbelief. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief because the parking lot was suddenly dry and showed no signs that it had been raining not even a puddle. The parking lot was empty Pam had just vanished in thin air. He got out of the car looking in every direction yelling her name but she was no where to be found. He could not make sense of what he was seeing before him knowing it had been poring down rain just moment ago and now the parking area was dry as a bone. The parking lot suddenly turned to sand and the bar melted away all he could see for miles was sand and he could feel the hot sun beating down on him. He looked at his clothing and it had turned red.
Mike threw back the covers and sprang out of bed drenched in sweat and reached for his cell phone. As he looked at the phone once again the realization hit him as it had night after night for many months, that the phone had not rang and there was no call from Pam. The call from Pam was just in his reacquiring nightmare that haunted him night after night. Mike could feel the tears well up and soon burst forth and he fell sobbing uncontrollably balling up in a fetal position on the floor. And then the truth the real the now would hit him as it would night after night he could feel it in the pit of his stomach making him feel like he would throw up.
Pam did not call could not call and would never call again. Then the flashback would play like a movie in his brain blurring the lines of what was real and what was in his mind. The movie would play in his mind and the sound would be turned up so loud it hurt his ears. The movie in his mind would started as it always did Pam setting behind the wheel of the supply vehicle and she was laughing at a joke Mike had told. Suddenly a loud BANG! that echoed inside the vehicle and Mike could feel something warm on his face, he reached with his hand to touch his face and as he pulled his hand back he could see his hand was covered with something red.
He was stunned that he was laying on his back on the ground and as he panned his eyes over to his left he could see a small pile of twisted metal and smoke pouring from a large hole in the road. He tried to stand up, and as he did he could feel a sharp lightning bolt of pain shoot up his back. As he lay there in pain he started to realize what had just happened he started calling out Pam's name but could not see her and could not hear her voice calling back. Soon he felt himself being lifted and heard voices saying you will be OK just stay calm. His helmet was being removed and his head fell to the left and that's when he saw Pam's twisted mangled body laying in the sand. He yelled at the people helping him (take care of Pam) but it seemed his voice fell on deaf ears. as they loaded him in to the truck his last memory before he slipped into unconsciousness was Pam's lifeless twisted body laying in the sand.
He would awake with a start in a hospital bed and his first thought was he hoped it was a bad dream, a cruel nightmare he could awaken from soon. He could not shake the image from his mind it was burned there like a hot ash burns into the carpet and even after it is extinguished it leaves a dark black melted area behind. A nurse came into the room and was happy to see him awake and smiled. He asked about Pam and was met with a blank stare from the nurse as if she was trying to think of what to say. It hit him then that it was not a dream and he was not going to wake up and find everything back to the way it was.
After being released from the hospital and being sent home, he tried to get back to living the life he knew before. Try as he might nothing seemed real to him he moved he ate he worked but it all seemed like it was happening to someone else and he was being dragged along for the ride. He had an emptiness, a large emotional void like he had never felt before and he felt nothing. Mike slept less and less because every night he would have that same dream of the ringing phone and his mad dash to reach Pam and save her from what ever it was that made her call. And every time he would find himself standing in the desert alone and covered in something red only to awake drenched in sweat and crying in a ball on the floor.
Mike jumped out of bed and dressed as fast as he could throwing on what ever was laying on the floor and ran outside to get in his car. As he drove the 6 miles to the Bar he wondered what was going on, he was hoping it was nothing serious. He could not help but be worried because of the tone in her voice, he had never heard her sound so upset. He was also wondered why she called him and not her boyfriend Ben. Mike and Pam had been friends for 14 years they had met when they both were 18 while doing their AIT Army training at Fort Dix NJ and had become fast friends and after had ended up stationed on the same post in Germany. They had been almost inseparable until Pam met Ben three years ago, Ben was not crazy about their close relationship and that was causing a rift so to keep Ben happy they started seeing less and less of each other until they just stopped all together.
Rain started coming down hard and made it almost impossible to see the road in front of him as Mike was driving as fast as he could. It seemed to Mike like it was taking forever to get to the destination. Finally in the distance he could see the lights from the sign that hung above the bar and in the dim light given off by the sign he could see a silhouette standing in the rain. Mike pulled in to see Pam standing in the parking lot drenched and shivering and she smiled as he pulled up next to her. Mike swung open the door to let Pam in the car and as he opened the door the rain abruptly stopped and he rubbed his eyes in disbelief. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief because the parking lot was suddenly dry and showed no signs that it had been raining not even a puddle. The parking lot was empty Pam had just vanished in thin air. He got out of the car looking in every direction yelling her name but she was no where to be found. He could not make sense of what he was seeing before him knowing it had been poring down rain just moment ago and now the parking area was dry as a bone. The parking lot suddenly turned to sand and the bar melted away all he could see for miles was sand and he could feel the hot sun beating down on him. He looked at his clothing and it had turned red.
Mike threw back the covers and sprang out of bed drenched in sweat and reached for his cell phone. As he looked at the phone once again the realization hit him as it had night after night for many months, that the phone had not rang and there was no call from Pam. The call from Pam was just in his reacquiring nightmare that haunted him night after night. Mike could feel the tears well up and soon burst forth and he fell sobbing uncontrollably balling up in a fetal position on the floor. And then the truth the real the now would hit him as it would night after night he could feel it in the pit of his stomach making him feel like he would throw up.
Pam did not call could not call and would never call again. Then the flashback would play like a movie in his brain blurring the lines of what was real and what was in his mind. The movie would play in his mind and the sound would be turned up so loud it hurt his ears. The movie in his mind would started as it always did Pam setting behind the wheel of the supply vehicle and she was laughing at a joke Mike had told. Suddenly a loud BANG! that echoed inside the vehicle and Mike could feel something warm on his face, he reached with his hand to touch his face and as he pulled his hand back he could see his hand was covered with something red.
He was stunned that he was laying on his back on the ground and as he panned his eyes over to his left he could see a small pile of twisted metal and smoke pouring from a large hole in the road. He tried to stand up, and as he did he could feel a sharp lightning bolt of pain shoot up his back. As he lay there in pain he started to realize what had just happened he started calling out Pam's name but could not see her and could not hear her voice calling back. Soon he felt himself being lifted and heard voices saying you will be OK just stay calm. His helmet was being removed and his head fell to the left and that's when he saw Pam's twisted mangled body laying in the sand. He yelled at the people helping him (take care of Pam) but it seemed his voice fell on deaf ears. as they loaded him in to the truck his last memory before he slipped into unconsciousness was Pam's lifeless twisted body laying in the sand.
He would awake with a start in a hospital bed and his first thought was he hoped it was a bad dream, a cruel nightmare he could awaken from soon. He could not shake the image from his mind it was burned there like a hot ash burns into the carpet and even after it is extinguished it leaves a dark black melted area behind. A nurse came into the room and was happy to see him awake and smiled. He asked about Pam and was met with a blank stare from the nurse as if she was trying to think of what to say. It hit him then that it was not a dream and he was not going to wake up and find everything back to the way it was.
After being released from the hospital and being sent home, he tried to get back to living the life he knew before. Try as he might nothing seemed real to him he moved he ate he worked but it all seemed like it was happening to someone else and he was being dragged along for the ride. He had an emptiness, a large emotional void like he had never felt before and he felt nothing. Mike slept less and less because every night he would have that same dream of the ringing phone and his mad dash to reach Pam and save her from what ever it was that made her call. And every time he would find himself standing in the desert alone and covered in something red only to awake drenched in sweat and crying in a ball on the floor.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Why Was My Name On The List?
I feel much guilt for the fact I survived my fight with cancer. Winning can be very bitter sweet leaving you to wonder why me and not them? It may sound strange to many but after my treatments were done and I was told they had gotten the cancer I felt a loss much like the loss of a friend and a deep depression. I had not felt I had a purpose in my life for some time and when I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer suddenly I had something to fight with and I had a purpose. Once treatment was done I felt left out in the cold and wondering what now? even though I went into it with a survive it attitude I think the possibility you may not make it is in the back of everyone's mind. You try to not think that way but you also know it is always looming in the air. Maybe the way I lived my life knocking myself in the head and doing everything the hard way prepared me for the fight I was about to take on.
Once again the loss of a cancer fighter has brought a wave of feelings and revisiting my own situation. Not that I mean to make their passing about me but it brings up many feelings and what If's. My family has also lost yet another to cancer as it has many others over the past few years. I am sad for many reasons first and foremost I am sad for the loss of the beautiful souls who fought for years against cancer and lost the battle. I am sad that I am not able to rush to the side of their family members and console them and be with them. I am sad for those left behind wondering why?
Being given the news you have cancer forces you to look at your life and that can be very scary. Thinking of people you have wronged or just lost touch with. Thinking of people you wished you had taken more time to get to know many feelings and thoughts go through your head. When I hear someone else has been given the news or lost their battle I wonder if I was worthy of being able to win and live on. Why was I chosen to have another day and they are taken. Maybe it is like survivors grief I am not sure but although I am happy to be here I still can not help but ask why me?
I have never been really afraid of dieing but find it funny that when you know you may have a short shelf life or get an expiration date stamped on you, you start to see life in a whole different way. I my self felt at ease and more at peace being that I was able to be more myself than I had ever been in my past. I was able to say things to people and show my affections in ways I feared before. I have always been a hug type person when I see someone its my first reaction to give them a hug and in the past had shied away from that. Knowing I may die tomorrow made me feel braver and less fearful of letting people know I loved them. Kind of sad that the possibility of dieing helped me to feel more comfortable showing people affection.
I hurt deeply when I hear that someone who had very young children has been taken by cancer. I think about all those moments the kids will miss out on Daddy Daughter Dances, Prom Night, playing sports or in the band and looking in the stands to see that empty spot because they are not there. I feel deep hurt when I hear a young child has been taken by cancer and can only imagine what a parent feels watching their child slip away. I feel deeply because I can not help but think maybe it should have been me and they should have been able to live on. There are some I would have gladly given my spot on the list if I had been given the choice. For some reason God put my name on the list to stay so I will try my darnedest to make the best of the gift I was given. I can only hope that I make those that did not make that list feel that I was the right choice to live on. God bless my sisters and brothers that are fighting now, won the fight, and to those who have lost. I send you a hug and my LOVE>>>>>>>>>>>>>> STAMP OUT CANCER!!!!!!!!!!
The One That Got Away.
As the Old Year 2013 closed and the New year 2014 was just around the corner I started thinking of New Years celebrations from the past and of the people who had come and gone over the years. I sat in front of the window alone sick with the flue and watch as the snow flakes drift slowly to collect on everything piling up making everything in sight white and sparkling in the moon light. There was a time on New Years in my past I would have been in a club or at a party drinking and whooping it up overindulging to the point of becoming very numb. I wonder to myself did I do this because it was fun and I was celebrating the coming year or was it that I secretly feared what it would bring? Was I making myself numb to forget the year that was slipping away or numbing myself for what was in my future? Do not get me wrong I had fun and have some great memories of those New Years Parties just wonder why I felt the need to get so wasted and feel so miserable the next day to ring in the New Year?
I can not speak for everyone but in talking to most people I hear them tell a story of the one that got away. When they speak of the one who got away they are not telling a fishing story they are speaking of that one person from their past that either things did not seem to work out or the fact they messed up in the relationship or possibly the relationship never was because they were to afraid to take that first step.What ever the background story everyone I think has that one person in the past they reflect back on now and then and wonder what if?
I have to say I have more than one what ifs or the one that got away stories. I also have to say most if not all those stories if told truthfully would not paint me in the best light. In looking back although I know relationships take two to make it work I have enough clarity in my life at this time to know I was more to blame for my losses than those I was with. I had a habit of wanting love but not knowing how to return it. I feel I am a very caring person and would give anything for those I care about including my life but in the past letting someone in completely to my world scared the hell out of me.The closer a person got and the more they became part of my life it seemed the more I would push them away. I at the time had no clue that I was pushing them away and in my mind thought I was giving my all to the relationship. I also had the habit of once one relationship ended I would jump head first into another. I am sure this did not show the person I was previously with that I cared when I could seem to forget them and just be with someone else so fast. The fear of being alone was strong but also wanting my own space was very confusing.
There was one relationship that was strong and felt right and I felt I was able to give my all too but circumstances of life worked against it and in the end I let go because I felt it best for the other person. I would often wonder what if? or if I could only go back to that day when it all fell apart could things have been different? I have been lucky enough to reconnect with many from my past and explain and apologize for treating them the way I did and hopefully letting them know it was not them that was the problem. I also wanted them to know I did not do the things I did with malice or because I was an evil person just messed up and broken in ways I could not explain at the time.
I have one friend who told me a story of reconnecting with their what if and told me they wished they had left it in the past. This person they had built up in their mind turned out to be just human and not the super fantasy person they had made them out to be. My friend told me it was a let down to lose that fantasy because it got them through some rough times thinking that maybe that super relationship was out there just waiting for the day they needed it. The reconnection dashed the fantasy and left them feeling lost in the fact their back up plan had been lost. I think we each have a fantasy life or love that we mentally go to when things get bad or not going as we wish giving us hope to go on at least I know I do or did I should say. I have figured out over the years that I needed for myself to drop the fantasy and live in the now not to say I do not fantasize because I do. I just do not compare my fantasy life to my real life I found that to cause problems in that my real life could never live up to my fantasy life. Fantasy life got me through some very rough times in my life but it became a problem when I lived in that world or tried to more often than to put effort into what was real.
So yes I have some The One That Got Away stories and like I say looking back at those stories I find I am to blame for most of them. Getting passed the blame game was very hard for me in that I found it easier to point out all of their faults but I could not look at my own. Looking into a mirror at the person looking back can be very hard because the view you see is not always that of what others can see. I remember back in the days of my heavy drug use I had taken a hit of acid at a party and went to the bathroom to relieve myself. After I had finished I started to wash my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. I could see lines in my face of course intensified by the drug but there none the less. I could see things that I had never seen before because I would when looking in a mirror just glance and never really looked that close at the reflection looking back. I do not want to indorse the usage of drugs this is just me telling my experience. I stood there looking in that mirror for longer than I had ever looked before and I swear I could see my personality staring back at me and I did not like the person I was seeing.
That experience changed something in me and opened me up to the fact I needed to improve myself if I ever wanted to be in a relationship and not endless dating or another one night stand. If I had wrote a One That Got Away story a few years back I am sure it would have come off as, it was not my fault and would probably have laid the blame on the other person that was much easier than looking at who was really at fault and that was me. So to those I encountered along the way it wasn't you it actually was me.
Spring Forward (relax its humor people)
I soooooo need a night that my memory foam mattress will have to seek counseling to forget. I am thinking I may have been a nymphomaniac in my past life and every so often that past life bleeds into the life I am living now. There are days its all I think about and God forbid the wind blows I can almost not contain myself. I know this is not something that should be talked about but get real we all think about it from time to time. Grant it some of us think about it more than others and maybe I more than most. Let me tell you those cold showers they tell you to take are a bunch of bunk and do little to change the building frustration. Lost in a sexual dessert with not even a mirage in sight. Maybe it is that whole spring thing and all the birds twitterpating in the trees or the warm weather who knows I just know I feel like a bottle of wine that will turn to vinegar if its cork is not popped soon.
I am in no way asking for help because I can fix the problem by myself I just thought it wise to warn people not to get to close because I may not be able to contain myself. This long cold winter has been hard on everyone but well you know what I am getting at. I am ready to spring forward in the worst way.
I am in no way asking for help because I can fix the problem by myself I just thought it wise to warn people not to get to close because I may not be able to contain myself. This long cold winter has been hard on everyone but well you know what I am getting at. I am ready to spring forward in the worst way.
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